Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Superficial Reasons Behind Why You Didn't Get Chose

Ya know sometimes when men reject us women, we go on a self-blaming spree…

Oh, if only I knew how to swing off chandeliers
Oh, if only I could cook like Lohi O
Oh, if only had been more expressive and shown him how much I cared
Oh, if only I hadn't been as thirsty and made him wait a little
"Oh, if only I was more of a wifey material"

In our minds, if we had been a little more awesome or perfect and exhibited the traits of a true wife material, we would have gotten CHOSE.  But have we ever stopped to acknowledge our current and existing awesomeness and think that “Maybe it really wasn’t me. Maybe it was him”?

I’m not saying that we ladies should live in denial and not improve where we can but sometimes no matter how awesome you are, a man will still next you or not make it official with you because of his purely superficial reasons based on things that you might not be able to control. I've had pretty random convos with the guys in the past that opened my eyes to how superficial some men can be or how they have all these really nitpicky criteria that will get you a failing grade no matter how hard you try. For instance, some guy once told me that he nexted a girl in the past strictly because she had no nyash (booty). According to him, she was cute and really decent but he just couldn't get past the nyashless factor. I couldn't believe my ears, so I asked him “You mean to tell me that if you met a woman who had 9 out of 10 of the attributes that you look for in a woman but had no nyash, she’s dismissed” and he said yes. He then tried to explain that nyash is a pretty important factor for him in selecting a woman and that if he ends up with a woman with no nyash, he’s definitely going to cheat. He also said that he needed to feel proud of the woman that he had on his arm if he’s showcasing her in public and so her body had to be on point, nyash inclusive. I hit him with the O__O eyes and wished him good luck in his search. The sad thing is that this man will probably end up with some big booty dimepiece in the future because you know, men have the playing field with plenty options and can afford to be entirely foolish and get away with it. Such is life.

I’ve heard about other dismissal criteria that sounded really crazy to me, such as:
She looked like she had the tendency to get fat after kids
She was too tall. I wouldn’t want to end up with a woman over 5’9
She wasn’t Nigerian so I knew that I was definitely not going to wife her” – This came from a man who dated said non Nigerian girl for 3 years. When I formed Voltron defender of the Universe and berated him for leading the poor girl on, he simply shrugged and said that bodi no be wood. He was keeping her around until he found something better.
I wouldn’t marry a woman with darker skin tone than me
"She had no swag or presence"
Etc etc.

Yep, I've listened to men tell me all of the above and more…and no matter how irritated I was by their reasoning, I knew that my vex couldn't boil indomie because like I said, it is a man’s world and no matter how foolish a man might be with his reasoning, there’s going to be at least 20 women out there that fit his specifications and criteria. He's going to dismiss your ass and move right onto the next chick who fits his criteria and you have no option but to deal with it. Tough world mayne!
Because women outnumber men and because we are generally more accommodating, we aren't as critical or picky. We might say that we want a tall, strong, dark and handsome swaggalicious fella with a great job and doing XYZ, but if we meet a man who doesn't fall into our ideal height or weight range but happens to check off most of our boxes, I bet we would be willing to compromise as opposed to an instant dismissal. Heck, a lot of women will even work with a guy if he only checks off 5 out of 10 things on her list. It’s a tough life that we live in this man’s world but it is what it is.

Oh, and you know one thing that I realized? Men will have all their high end criteria for what they want in a serious relationship or marriage but when it comes to just kicking it and sleeping with you, alllll of that relaxes. For instance, someone once told me that while he had slept with a lot of Igbo women and had no problem kicking it with them, he knew that he would never marry an Igbo woman for a bunch of reasons.

So there you have it. No matter what you did and didn't do, some men will dismiss you for things that are beyond your control such as your height, maybe your weight, the color of your skin, your nationality, origin, and tribe, age and what have you. This is honestly why I'm never mad too mad at a woman who is supposedly "picky" or a woman who does her own dismissing and the world is looking at her like she's crazy. Like "omg, he looks good on paper and he has a great job and blahblah. Maybe he will grow on you". Umm no. I'm like look, a man will NEXT you in a heartbeat if you're not his spec so please if he's not your spec, don't be shy to say bye bye too. Sometimes we females can be over-accommodating on some "let me go out on this 10th date with him and see". Date 10 kwa? Me thinks that if you haven't seen that sonthing by Date 4 then it probably isn't meant to be. Remember, most men won't even give you Date 2 sef. No be small thing my people.

The good news is that there are also a host of other fellas out there who don't buy into the ridiculous mentality of being extra-superficial and who will be more than accepting of you and everything that got you dismissed with the last guy. Until you find them in their hidden locations, what can I say? Continue to do you. Any man who dismisses you for his own superficial reasons doesn't deserve your time and energy in the first place.

And that is all she said.


1 + The One said...

WORD!! I totally agree with you.. I'm one of those people who beat themselves up when a relationship doesn't work out and think that "if only I had this or that" but I'm getting to also understand that usually it is really not you but him..
Nice post! xx

thislagosgirl said...

Wow. This made me smiled.And in fact is inspiring me in ways you can't im agine.

Anonymous said...

Spot on! A while back, I met this guy who I liked ehn!! Thinking of it now, I'm wondering what was wrong with me. I thought something will happen between us but girl,I was in dreamland apparently. He went on to date a VERY curvy babe. Of course, I questioned myself and wondered if I wasn't pretty/good/bootylicious/etc enough. Thankfully, I quickly snapped of that silly thinking, who am I to question the gorgeous body God has given me just because some guy didn't "choose" me?
Anyone going through this, as my dear Mgbeks has said, its not you,its him. Keep your head up!

Toinlicious said...


taynement said...

i'm so guilty of that. I always think oh it must have been something I did or basically about me. A friend of mine once told me to stop thinking about it like I was losing something or blaming myself and think more like maybe he is the one losing out and just move on.Different strokes for all. you win some and lose some.

LadyNgo said...

Maybe i need to calm my self down cuz if someone nexts me my first thought is almost always "This fool is cray. Does he not see all this splendiforousness?!?" LOL.

But you are right sha. And i too applaud and encourage women not to settle just because.

Anonymous said...

So I have a confession - I have been going to Taynement's Blogspot page to see if you had updated your blog yet and alas! you have! Yay! Off to read.

leggy said...

a man who will choose you, will choose you no matter what.

Berry Dakara said...

I got this one - “She looked like she had the tendency to get fat after kids”

And there was someone who after it was over, I agonized and agonized about what could have been wrong with me. Even though I knew he was a serial cheater, I still beat myself up for a loong time after he "chose" someone else.

At the end of the day, I thank God it went down like that because he didn't deserve me, and YES I'M AWESOME LIKE THAT!!! :p

Anonymous said...

@leggy - you simply wrote my words down.

Women need to be know more of their worth; men get away with all this bullshit because the women give them the power to do so.

If you go on being with a man for any significant period and he simply has not shown you any real commitment - then you know what? It's not him to blame - na you!

Anonymous said...

@berrydakara, I feel you but imagine if the guy is all that and a bag of chips (looks, spirituality, ALL) BUT he chose someone else then you see them living it up and having the time of their lives. Then he proposes...to her...while you are still single!!

lovelife4sale said...

truth of the matter is men are simple... when we meet and interact with females, we put them into three catergories, women who are just friends, women who we would like to sleep with and women who are the one.... the only problem is that the women we like to sleep with and the one who is the one are abit hard to tell.... but a little secret is, if he really believes you are the one, you can tell by the way he seems to love you more than you love him. my philosophy is that in every relationship, people contribute on a basis of 51/49% or 40/60% but it is hardly ever 50/50%.... so if he lets you know that he has more to lose by losing you, then he definitely believes that you can be the one.

taynement said...

so i just rolled my eyes at the comment above me.

mizchif said...

Lol. This is why i love you.
And Taynement, for rolling her eyes.

It's quite, rather unfortunate this "man's world" we live in. Personally i've learnt not to beat myself up too much about getting nexted, it's something i used to do in the past till i learnt that many times it really is just them and not you because somehow women are just more willing to adjust and now i don't stay pining over any dude for too long, i mean he's probably balls deep in another woman and i'll be somewhere asking myself what i did wrong. Mba.

Me i know i try generally, i may rep IBTC but still, plus all my many many other wonderful characteristics too numerous to list on here so if you can't see alladat, Ngwa, march along.

The ones i absolutely hate, like despise are those that date for 3yrs+ then leave her on some "i knew it was never goin to happen, was waiting for something better" those are the ones i pray against.

Beulah! said...

"I wont marry a girl with a darker skin tone than mine".... Ultimately annoying!!!!! & they wonder why women bleach

Omoge said...

LOL@ "Balls deep in another"

Funny thing is, we all kinda know this in the back of our heads but somehow we still manage to allow ourselves go there (esp if the man is as anon 819am said)...the up side is, hopefully, we are aware enough to snap out of it.

dami said...

I believe in 50/50 love. I don't buy that he must love me more than i do him. Did you read this post well? I belive the message was don't settle.i will be avoiding simple minded men like you if you are one. How do you even weigh up reciprocated love. Really?

dami said...

That was to lifelove4sale.

Enkay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Enkay said...

The crazy thing is that many of these guys expect their ladies to be 'perfect' in some way even though they, themselves are not.

There was only one 'nexting' experience that I thought would kill me. After that, I guess I became tougher.
Easier said than done though....getting nexted sure has a way of denting one's self image.

Devil's Spawn said...

This is why I don't date and when I do, I will not relax my standards. I am adamant that I will rather be single than settle. I am pretty sure that eventually there will be a battle with my folks that I might lose, but at this time I am standing firm. I know my worth and I will not reduce myself to anything less than...

LohiO said...

LMAOOOO!!1 Why am I just seeing this? hahahaha! Please oh cooking like me hasn't gotten me wifed joor :( No big deal :D But you are very right. We are more accommodating but I do not beat myself up becuase if its meant to be I wont be "nexted".

A Young Black Woman said...

Lol! Ain't nobody got time for that. Can't cry over spilt milk. If he leaves me, it's his loss. "He that finds a wife finds a good thing". Darker skin tone is also a factor?! Men!!! Lwkmd!

Gean Reyes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Wow... Well what about the other side of the superficial coin?

I consider myself a pretty good looking guy and I try my BEST to be a kind & honest man. I know I have to have charms and confidence to attract women, but sometimes it's not enough. I've had bad luck recently in finding women who are interested in me cause of ME, and not cause of my status, appearance, or possessions. And because of this, my self-esteem has taken heavy hits. Making me question myself, and pick at what might be wrong and what needs improvement.

Maybe it's cause it's NY, but it seems like women here have a misguided reality that they can have a celebrity lifestyle with the Channing Tatums or the Ryan Goslings. Overlooking the Jason Segels and the Adam Sandlers who have more to offer than gym memberships and bank accounts. Honestly, I don't think it's a "man's world" since a woman can easily dominate (especially if you're young and beautiful). How can it be, if the woman is the one who makes the decision of whether or not they'll talk to a guy? ("Guys are chasers, and women are choosers") If you think about it, everything in the nightlife scene (which is usually the core of dating/encounters) is meant for you. "Drink specials all night! Ladies free til 2 am, men pay $150 at the door!" Ive also tried introducing myself to women during the day like my lunch hour or something. But this is worse, as majority of women in the street are not trying to be picked up on their way to 'Hale and Hearty'.

You're not the only ones who struggle for contentment...

theOOhj said...

Bottom line is that BOTH men and women get 'nexted' for a variety of superficial reasons. Us regular guys and girls have to accept our lot and keep it moving... :)

miss e said...

I"ve got the "you're too tall, I can't date you", the "you're from such and such tribe girl, can't marry you". I broke off an engagement cos bro felt I idn't make him feel needed, aka, I was independent.....gurlll, I jus taya. They all idiots!!!

Deep Soul said...

My husband was the master of superficial reasons before Jesus used me to save his life

He told me how he "nexted" a girl once because when she served him food, she heaped it and even after complaining, she kept serving him large portions of food. He couldn't imagine having to deal with that for the rest of his life, so he axed her. buhaha. Really?

Another one was because she had stretch marks. Really?

Another one was because she ate food in his house and left the dirty plates in the sink. Buhaha.

We were talking about this recently and he recounted how funny it is because I have been guilty of ALL the reasons he left women in the past and even MORE. But we r married.

I guess the end of the day, when a guy isn't that into you, he'll always find a reason but when he is, those things won't matter as much!

ola said...

Maybe the reason you were not chosen is because your grammar is poor!