Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Superficial Reasons Behind Why You Didn't Get Chose

Ya know sometimes when men reject us women, we go on a self-blaming spree…

Oh, if only I knew how to swing off chandeliers
Oh, if only I could cook like Lohi O
Oh, if only had been more expressive and shown him how much I cared
Oh, if only I hadn't been as thirsty and made him wait a little
"Oh, if only I was more of a wifey material"

In our minds, if we had been a little more awesome or perfect and exhibited the traits of a true wife material, we would have gotten CHOSE.  But have we ever stopped to acknowledge our current and existing awesomeness and think that “Maybe it really wasn’t me. Maybe it was him”?

I’m not saying that we ladies should live in denial and not improve where we can but sometimes no matter how awesome you are, a man will still next you or not make it official with you because of his purely superficial reasons based on things that you might not be able to control. I've had pretty random convos with the guys in the past that opened my eyes to how superficial some men can be or how they have all these really nitpicky criteria that will get you a failing grade no matter how hard you try. For instance, some guy once told me that he nexted a girl in the past strictly because she had no nyash (booty). According to him, she was cute and really decent but he just couldn't get past the nyashless factor. I couldn't believe my ears, so I asked him “You mean to tell me that if you met a woman who had 9 out of 10 of the attributes that you look for in a woman but had no nyash, she’s dismissed” and he said yes. He then tried to explain that nyash is a pretty important factor for him in selecting a woman and that if he ends up with a woman with no nyash, he’s definitely going to cheat. He also said that he needed to feel proud of the woman that he had on his arm if he’s showcasing her in public and so her body had to be on point, nyash inclusive. I hit him with the O__O eyes and wished him good luck in his search. The sad thing is that this man will probably end up with some big booty dimepiece in the future because you know, men have the playing field with plenty options and can afford to be entirely foolish and get away with it. Such is life.

I’ve heard about other dismissal criteria that sounded really crazy to me, such as:
She looked like she had the tendency to get fat after kids
She was too tall. I wouldn’t want to end up with a woman over 5’9
She wasn’t Nigerian so I knew that I was definitely not going to wife her” – This came from a man who dated said non Nigerian girl for 3 years. When I formed Voltron defender of the Universe and berated him for leading the poor girl on, he simply shrugged and said that bodi no be wood. He was keeping her around until he found something better.
I wouldn’t marry a woman with darker skin tone than me
"She had no swag or presence"
Etc etc.

Yep, I've listened to men tell me all of the above and more…and no matter how irritated I was by their reasoning, I knew that my vex couldn't boil indomie because like I said, it is a man’s world and no matter how foolish a man might be with his reasoning, there’s going to be at least 20 women out there that fit his specifications and criteria. He's going to dismiss your ass and move right onto the next chick who fits his criteria and you have no option but to deal with it. Tough world mayne!
Because women outnumber men and because we are generally more accommodating, we aren't as critical or picky. We might say that we want a tall, strong, dark and handsome swaggalicious fella with a great job and doing XYZ, but if we meet a man who doesn't fall into our ideal height or weight range but happens to check off most of our boxes, I bet we would be willing to compromise as opposed to an instant dismissal. Heck, a lot of women will even work with a guy if he only checks off 5 out of 10 things on her list. It’s a tough life that we live in this man’s world but it is what it is.

Oh, and you know one thing that I realized? Men will have all their high end criteria for what they want in a serious relationship or marriage but when it comes to just kicking it and sleeping with you, alllll of that relaxes. For instance, someone once told me that while he had slept with a lot of Igbo women and had no problem kicking it with them, he knew that he would never marry an Igbo woman for a bunch of reasons.

So there you have it. No matter what you did and didn't do, some men will dismiss you for things that are beyond your control such as your height, maybe your weight, the color of your skin, your nationality, origin, and tribe, age and what have you. This is honestly why I'm never mad too mad at a woman who is supposedly "picky" or a woman who does her own dismissing and the world is looking at her like she's crazy. Like "omg, he looks good on paper and he has a great job and blahblah. Maybe he will grow on you". Umm no. I'm like look, a man will NEXT you in a heartbeat if you're not his spec so please if he's not your spec, don't be shy to say bye bye too. Sometimes we females can be over-accommodating on some "let me go out on this 10th date with him and see". Date 10 kwa? Me thinks that if you haven't seen that sonthing by Date 4 then it probably isn't meant to be. Remember, most men won't even give you Date 2 sef. No be small thing my people.

The good news is that there are also a host of other fellas out there who don't buy into the ridiculous mentality of being extra-superficial and who will be more than accepting of you and everything that got you dismissed with the last guy. Until you find them in their hidden locations, what can I say? Continue to do you. Any man who dismisses you for his own superficial reasons doesn't deserve your time and energy in the first place.

And that is all she said.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Social Media: The Oppression Factor

I was recently discussing social media with my friend and told her “Man, social media can be one hella oppressive place”. And this is the truth. It’s like no matter how immune you feel to it all, there’s going to be something out there in the cyber world that will find your Achilles heel and feast on it. There’s always somebody out there who has what you want, or seems to be doing way better in life than you are doing.

After years of wondering how the hell Instagram (IG) worked, I finally joined it and gotta attest that those visuals alone can work their magic. Everything just looks so glossy and fancy, and everybody looks “rich as f***” (in the words of my favorite Uncle 2chainzzzz). I just be perusing sometimes and wondering “which levels na? When I go hammer reach?” However, the funny thing is that not everything posted on social media is supposed to be oppressive but somehow they get to you depending on whether it’s your thing or not.

A few examples…

  • That person that stays posting pictures of their countless vacations and trips. You name the place, and they've been there. And you’re feeling the oppression because to afford one solo vacation requires you to give up so much while for some others it seems like they have an unending supply of money, time, and resources.
  • That other person that posted pictures of plenty plenty high end shopping bags and gave a shoutout to their wonderful husband/boyfriend on some “Shout outs to my baby for spoiling me. Love you boo!” and you can’t help but dash one side eye to your hardworking husband/boo who works so hard to make you happy but somehow his level of hard work never reach Neiman Marcus and Saks. And even if designer names aren't your thing, it could be something else that you would love to have in your life but you and your man can’t afford it (e.g. Macbook, Ipad, BB10, Samsung S4 etc etc. Pick your poison and there’s a woman out there posting a picture of it and hailing her boo.
  • That person that keeps tensioning you with pictures of their weight loss journey. It seems like they step on a treadmill and instantly lose 10lbs. Meanwhile you are out here struggling to lose weight even though you’ve been eating right and working out for the past 2 months. See, things like this aren’t even supposed to be oppressive but I know that sometimes they are.
  • That other one that is always doing #Himship #Goinghometomyman #Mybabyboo up and down the place with plenty coupled up pictures to boot. You haven’t even had a negro say hi to you in the last 8 months, talk less of a man to go home to. O diro easy.

Let’s shift from IG real quick and enter Twitter and Facebook…
You’re seeing tweets and status updates like “God is Good! I passed my MCAT on the first try and I’m interviewing to get into *insert the medical school of your dreams*” and you’re wondering when this same good God is going to do it for you. You’ve taken the MCAT at least 2x now…


That husband that posts a picture of the brand new car that he just bought for his wife in honor of her giving him some bouncing baby boys and girls and you’re feeling that oppression because you and your spouse have been trying for children for God knows how many years.

I can go on and on but it’s so much stuff on social media that get to at least every one of us depending on the things in life that are doing you.

For some of us it’s marriage of course. Even for me who mainly doesn't feel the societal pressure of marriage, every single time that I log into that place called Facebook, the first things assailing my eyes are at least 3 people’s engagement photo shoots, traditional weddings, white weddings and all things weddings and I’m like “Whoa! Are there any single people left in this world?? Am I going to be the last woman standing in this single struggle?” I tire.

For some it’s career…folks be posting about working in places and fields that we would love to work in talking about “I love my job…so blessed.xx” and oppression sets in when you think about the million and one resumes that you've sent out and the million and one rejection letters/emails that you received. I remember when I was in college and wanted to work for PWC so badly (after they rejected my ass) and it used to pepper me when all the accounting kids in my school would update their professional networks on Facebook to PWC. It wasn’t a game yo.

For some it’s material goods. You’re looking at all the cars, gadgets, bags, shoes that your mates are enjoying and wondering when you will be able to afford to buy such fancy things without drinking garri for 2 months.

For some it’s the fertility issue. You really want kids and have been trying for ages, and everybody around you is sharing pictures or stories of their little ones. This is also not meant to be oppressive I'm sure but we are only human and I bet something like that would get to me every now and then if I was in that boat.

For others it’s just a person’s overall packaging. Some people just seem to have their lives so well put together. Great jobs, probably did something like buy a house when they were 25, if they are female they probably got married at 28, had their 2 kids by 31 and bounced back to size 4 frames in 5 seconds, seemingly great husbands, and a seemingly great life…and they are out there on your web feed of whatever your social media poison is, oppressing the heck out of little ol’ you who is trying to get a handle on something in your life.

E no easy my people.

What do you do? I have a friend who doesn't do Facebook or Instagram (very smart girl). I think that’s a definite start to curb the oppression in your life and learn to stay in your lane. But if you’re like me and you like to keep these forms of media open for small amebo purposes, the next best thing to do is to try and rein it in sometimes. You don’t gotta be on social media every single day. Sometimes a break is good from all the shenanigans, especially if you are down in the dumps and not feeling that great about yourself. The last thing that you want to see is somebody happily posting pictures or talking about something when you’re feeling some type of way about that particular something. My final word on this: In the words of my wise friend “Social media is filled with a lot of smoke and mirrors” aka things are not always what they seem. I remember a story about somebody who posted a picture of her brand new designer bag gifted to her by her “dearest husband” only for us to get behind the scenes of the story and find out that her so-called dearest husband had beaten her the week before and then bought her the bag to apologize for his behavior. Of course we saw a picture of the bag…a picture of the black eyes nko? Not so much. I’m sure somebody out there was feeling oppression on 3 levels: 1. Husband 2. Dear Husband 3. Expensive Bag. So just goes to show that while some people are truly living the life, not everybody is truly living the life so don’t be too quit to turn a bright shade of green when you read about or see how some people are doing it up.

And that my people, is all she said.

Have a great rest of the week.

Monday, October 7, 2013

What's So Special About Your Family Name Anyway?

I not-so recently had the following conversation with one of my male cousins:
Cousin (talking about my uncle who recently re-married after his first wife’s death): How is Ikenna’s new wife sef?

Me: I really dig her and I think she’s great with the kids.

Cousin: Hmmm, I hear she’s almost 40 and so I wonder why Ikenna married someone who was that old. I’m concerned about her child bearing capabilities because you know Ikenna really wants a son and so that was one of the reasons why he got married again.

Me: So I heard o, but abegi, after 6 daughters, what is he finding with a son again? I think that he just needs someone to help him take care of his girls…besides, in this same quest for a son, he ended up with a boatload of girls, so I think he should just relax and fashy this matter of having a son. What if the next one that comes is a girl too?

Cousin: You don’t understand. Ikenna wants someone to carry on with the family’s name and so I don’t see a problem if he wants a son. After all, most men want sons that can carry on with the family’s name…

Me: Na wa  for you men and your fixation with sons to carry on the family’s name. So if you and your wife have a bunch of daughters, would that be an issue?

Him: By God’s grace, I know that will not be our portion.

Me: *Zipped lips and quickly moved on to the next topic*

And that was that, as I jejely minded my business and dropped the matter.

And then in the more recent past, I was talking to somebody who has 2 daughters and wife who is expecting one more child. He said that he really hopes that the 3rd one is a boy as he wants at least one son. And so I posed the same question that I posed to my cousin – If you guys have a bunch of daughters, would it be an issue? His response was – “Houston, we would have a problem” before he quickly interjected with “Just kidding”. But I wasn't buying it…
I asked him why some men are so hung up on having sons and he gave me the very typical “I want somebody to carry the family name and to inherit everything that I’ve worked for".  He then added "My daughters will get married and join another man’s family and everything that I’ve worked for will go to another man’s son (i.e. his daughters future husbands), so I want a son who will inherit the fruit of my hard work” . I said ookay and kept it moving. I couldn't even pretend to understand it because I didn't and I still don’t.

All of this talk got me thinking about all these men that keep on harping about wanting a son to carry on with their family name. I mean absolutely no disrespect and all, but the pressing questions that I have are: What is so special about you and your family name? What is so wonderful about your legacy? What exactly are your sons supposed to be carrying on?

I totally understand wanting a son because you want to do daddy-son things like going to watch a basketball game or whatever it is that sons do with their fathers. What I don’t understand is wanting a son because you want them to carry your name forward.
The way I see it and with the way that our generation is going, I doubt that in the long run, anyone is checking for you and your lineage. Like someone once said, if you’re not a Dangote, Adenuga, or any of those big names, why should we be concerned about your so-called family name? I mean, what great thing have you done that you want people to be carrying on your family name? Like I said, no disrespect to you men out there and the family names that you hold so dearly to your hearts, but I think it’s beyond absurd to still be on about this whole “I want a son to carry my family name forward” in this day and age. Feel free to shed light if you want to help me understand.

Who says that your daughters cannot also bring recognition to your family and carry on your so-called family name? In my opinion, if I do anything epic in this lifetime, whether I am married or single, people will always say “that is Papa Mgbeke’s daughter”, or “she comes from so and so’s family”. Look at the Adenuga’s for instance…even though that he has a married daughter, I always think of her first as Bella Adenuga, the daughter of Adenuga. People know her as her father’s daughter first, before they recognize her as her husband’s wife…if that makes sense.

Now, imagine a scenario where you have a son who turns out to be some notorious serial killer or something crazy. That your precious son will send your family name that you worked so hard for, to the pits. So much for carrying on the family name, guys. So, really my dear brothers, I will keep this short…boy or girl, whichever one God gives you, please take it and be content with it. Treat your daughters with respect and view them as more than able and capable to take on and bring pride and joy to your family name. And really, if you haven’t worked for shiz and are just a regular average 9-5 Joe, sit back, relax and ask yourself what exactly you even want your imaginary sons to carry on.

*Rides my blazing chariot out of Blogsville*

Monday, August 19, 2013


A few weeks ago, yours truly hit the big ol’ grand age of three zero. For some unknown reason, I have always looked forward to turning 30. In fact, I've always looked upon the 30’s as the period where you start to really come into your own and really know yourself. The 30’s are when you go from a “spring chicken” to “fine wine” (Totally stole that one from Kelly Rowland). Plus, in my opinion, it’s that age where you can finally start claiming to be grown and people actually start taking you a bit more seriously. In general, I really can’t explain it but I was pretty excited to turn 30…and I had an amazing birthday as well. Big big shout-outs to my big sister who made it one to remember. I truly truly love that babe.

I remember my mom once told me that on her 30th birthday, she was so depressed. According to her, that was her worst birthday ever, because she was so sad that she was officially “old”. I had a good laugh at that one. In comparison, I do not feel old or anything close to it…I think that I will officially start to feel like I’m getting up there (but not quite old actually) when I hit the 40 year mark but till then, let’s rock and roll baby! According to Nigerian Twitter, I’m at the age where I should only be tweeting for “networking purposes” and not for bants as per old age stuvvs. To that, I say…who gon’ check me boo??? Watch me turn 40 and still be all up in there. There’s no rules or regulations to these things.

I was reading my most recent September 2013 issue of Glamour Magazine and Olivia Wilde has an article in there titled the “Do’s and Don’ts of Turning 30”. My interest was peaked even further when I read that Olivia is “defying all Hollywood stereotypes by being excited to turn 30”. I was like heyyy that’s definitely my type of girl. And I did enjoy reading her do’s and don’ts because it reminded me of something that I would write…so I figured that I would share a short, summarized version because I thought it was a fun read for anyone approaching 30, who just turned 30, or even well into their 30’s. If you want to read the full thing, then go and buy your own Glamour :-D
So here are Olivia’s tips (summarized and in a nutshell):

1. DON’T freak out about all the brilliant people who accomplished more than you by 30
2. DO enjoy your sexual prime – According to Professor Alfred Kinsey, women really start heating up in their 30s.
3. DON'T cut your face – Take care of yourself now that you’re old enough to know how. Drink water, get enough sleep, and don’t go near a tanning booth.
4. DO travel – This is probably the last time until retirement that you won’t be considered a bad person for booking a last minute ticket to Morocco because you damn well feel like it. You’re old enough to know where not to go e.g. Cancun but young enough to feel guilt-free being entirely unreachable.
5. DON'T propose to the next guy you meet just because you worry he’ll be your last chance at lifelong companionship– Sure, you might have attended more bridal showers than yoga classes, but that doesn't mean that you’re destined to be a craggy spinster, searching for roommates on Craigslist at 50.
6. DON'T feel pressured to pop out kids – Wait for the right partner and make sure you’re where you want to be in life before picking neighborhoods based on school districts.
7. DO reap the benefits of your accumulated wisdom – You’re 30: You know stuff now…your 20’s were for messing up and learning from those mistakes. Now you get to live with knowledge under your belt…and make it a nice belt too. You’re 30, stop dressing like a hobo.
8. DO learn a new skill – You’ve already lived longer than most women in the 13th century, so why not look at your thirtieth as a rebirth?
9. DON'T be bogged down by your past – Make this next go-around whatever you want it to be…consider your baggage (bad boyfriends, job setbacks, body issues) lost by the airline of life.
Her closing note? “That’s it. Now, go and be awesome”.  And I say a big amen to that!

So if you’re dreading the big 3-0 or just turned 30 and you’re hating it…why should you? It’s a great age group to be in so embrace it. And if you’re in your 30’s and you’re loving it then more grease to your elbows. Keep on rocking it and don’t feed into all the notions about where and what you should be doing in your 30’s.

And this is where I shall leave ye folks. Just wanted to peek my head in and say wazaaap. It has been a minute and I need to get my lazy butt off and actually do a real blog post. That, I will soon enough but till then...have a fantabulous rest of the week folks!

And that is all she said.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Your Priorities, My Priorities

As some of you may remember, I wrote an article for Jaguda.com back in the day on my views about moving back to Naija. As expected, a lot of people tensioned my life for stating that I consider America to be home and love living in this country. Years later, that view has still not changed.

I was recently talking to a U.S. based someone who was championing the case for moving back to Nigeria. Per the typical argument, he said “there is money to be made in Nigeria” and how levels really dey. According to him, an annual salary of $150,000 for a U.S. resident is “rubbish” after paying all your bills and taxes. Odiegwu. I said “rubbish kwa? That’s a very strong word o”. I had to bite my tongue cos the next thing coming out of my mouth was going to be "Have you ever encountered $150k in your life sef?" but I said let me chill for guys. Nigerians sha. Just be yarning real opaks to prove some non-existent points. As in, 150,000 annual salary never reach me finish and I’m still able to pay my bills, save money, and live a pretty comfortable life so for one to say that $150k is rubbish so we need to move back to Nigeria where there is real money to be made is some real bullshit. I agree that there is money to be made in Nigeria, but that is an entirely separate argument that should not involve bashing people's annual salaries in the USD. Voltron force has spoken.

That shenanigans aside...besides this recent conversation, I have had a lot of discussions with people who champion the move back campaign with the magic words – “There is money to be made in Nigeria”.  I used to know this guy who went to college here and then moved back to Naija some years ago. So post-move, he visited Yanks and I have to give it to him, he was looking like a fresh Lagos Island bigz boiz and exuding the corresponding swag. During our meet-up, one of the first things that he said to me was “You guys are struggling with 9-5 jobs in this country? Move back home, there is money to be made”. I said “I’m cool. If all of us move back home, we will finish the money for una na”. Abi no be so? They will all be shouting move back, move back, instead of them to be happy that we are allowing them gather all the money while we "suffer" in obodo oyibo. Might I add that he was able to quickly make his own money because his father is a rich man in Lagos with connects? Uhn uhn…

However...I am not blind to the fact that people seem to be balling in Nigeria (or at least have packaged themselves well enough to give that impression). You look at these event red carpet pictures, and everybody and their mama is carrying $1100 Celine handbags like Celine handbags is agbalumo. High end brands like Louboutin, Prada, Chanel, just full ground anyhow like it’s nothing. Now even Bentley has turned into pure water, and all the celebrities are buying Bentleys. To add to all of this, every other day on Linda Ikeji’s blog, there are posts about people dropping millions of naira for Range Rovers and all kinds of shiny SUVs. Trust that I do not doubt that there is money in Nigeria and some people’s pepper has seriously rested. Even on the “small scale” level self, someone that my friend knew came to America on a 3 week vacation and she brought $6,000 shopping money along with her. When my friend gisted me, I was like hohohoho! Where did it even begin to reach me that I would carry $6,000 for a shopping expedition to a foreign country? When I still have outstanding student loans, a car note and rent to pay?? That one surely fly pass me o, I ain't even going to front.

But even with the car note, student loans, taxes and all the obligations that I face as resident of the US of A, my complaints are minimal and I still love living in America. I acknowledge that I will probably never get to the Lagos or Abuja big babe level and I’m okay with it. I do like my relatively simple life and am not particularly driven to move back home and strike it big. Some may see this mentality as settling for less where I can be living a bigger and more ballerific lifestyle back home and they certainly are entitled to their opinion. See as I just listed student loans, rent, and a car note?… some people aren't here for that. Like the person that bashed the $150,000 annual salary pointed out, people making the big bucks back home are paying serious cash down for cars and eliminating debt with the scribble of a pen over a check (or cheque in Naija/Britico speak). When Linda Ikeji bought her 8 million naira SUV, I quickly pulled out calculator to see the USD equivalent and I had to mentally hail the babe. As for me, the ability to drop such thousands of dollars in cash down most definitely pass my power. If my Naija big babe counterparts are walking into a store and dropping $1200 cash on a designer bag, I on the other hand, would have to do a real opportunity cost assessment before I ever shelled out $1200 on a bag. So it’s all a matter of priorities and what you want out of life and personally speaking, my wants aren't on a kentro level.

That said, to people who do wanna move home and pursue the “let’s get this money dream”, I’m not even mad at that. Whatever works for you. I think that my biggest irritation with such people, or people that have already moved back is that they think you are crazy for not wanting to do the same. It’s all a matter of respecting opinions and recognizing that we have different priorities. Let it not be a long thing.

And that is all she said

PS:- I'm aware that not everyone that moves back home achieves the "Nigerian dream". I'm also aware that not everybody toting a Celine bag or driving a range is a legit baller...maybe they have Ariztos daddys, are involved in some shady business or something. For fair comparison purposes (because I work hard for my money), the money makers that I'm talking about in this post are the legit ones and not any 419 or arizto assisted versions.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Wifey Material Points = Nonexistent

I realize that I tend to be a little too outspoken on these men/women issues especially when it comes to men’s expectations of women. I remember visiting my sister in Aberdeen back in 2010, and we dropped by a family friend’s house. Somewhere along the course of the evening, the man started yarning something about girlfriends and cooking. I forget exactly what it was, but I remember being very vocal about how no boyfriend of mine should expect me to cook for him. It is a privilege and not an obligation bro! I guess I was a little too vocal about my views. My poor sister was so surprised. She later coached me that I should learn to observe chill sometimes.

And then my male friend recently said the same thing. He said “you and this your gra gra, you know that could be a huge turn-off for men”. The old me would have said “ehn, they should be turned off nah!” but the new me who is attempting to observe chill said “aight. I’ll work on it”. And “serzly”, I’m trying to not always come off as the angry black raow raow woman who isn’t trying to do jack for a man. I’m currently cracking up now sef ‘cos I remember that someone once asked my friend why I, the Original Mgbeke, always seems to be so anti-cooking for a man. I guess her question was fueled by my outspoken views whenever the topic came up on shows like Gidilounge etc etc.
Let me put it out there people: I am not anti-cooking for a man. I will in fact cook 3 meals a day sef for a very very deserving boyfriend (Okay, I’m lying. That would actually be ONE meal a day boo) however, it absolutely gets my goat when men feel entitled to the things that us women do, or feel that women should be campaigning for the positions of wifey. With that, I will straight up tell you to kindly fly out of my line of vision. Narnsense.

So anyway, as I was saying…I am truly trying to observe chill and not always be popping off with my liberated views but sometimes these negros make it SO hard. Case in point, last week, I was on the commuter hustle with my really good male friend and 2 other African guys who I normally ride the train with. We were gisting and somehow, the topic of convo fell on men and their expectations of girlfriends. One of the guys said that he once asked a girlfriend to help him clean his bathroom and it really pissed him off that she said no. This is how the conversation went:

Guy 1 (The complainant): Imagine, she refused to saying that I shared the bathroom with my brother and so she didn’t think it was right that she should clean up after us.
Guys 2 and 3: That’s messed up bro.
Me: Let me get this straight. You asked your girlfriend to help you clean your bathroom. Was your hand broken? Did the doctor order you to not engage in any domestic duties for a week? Was she your housegirl? Was she paying rent in your house?
Guy 1: But if she’s coming over to sleep and sees a dirty bathroom, she should definitely take the initiative to clean it. In fact I shouldn't have had to ask.
Guy 2: I agree. That’s why these girls aren't getting wifed up. You all need to understand that you are pretty much auditioning for positions so you need put your best foot forward. You need to show men that you are domesticated.
Guy 1: That’s right. I guess that’s why that girl is still single self (Note: Guy1 is currently engaged to someone else)
Me: Guy 1, You are such a douchebag for that statement . And please, you men can save your silly auditions for a woman who cares about that nonsense. Best believe that I would not go to any man’s house and clean his bathroom when I’m not paying rent in that house. Na beans?
Guy 3: Ehn but if you needed your tire to be changed, you would call a guy abi? If you need light bulbs to be changed, you would be paging guys.
Me: Those are such basic examples though! What’s the big deal in changing a light bulb? Don’t insult a woman's intelligence please. As for my tires, I can call triple A.
Me: Also, if we are talking about initiative, have you all as men ever taken the initiative to clean a girlfriend’s dirty bathroom?
Guy 1: Why should we? As a woman, your bathroom shouldn't even be dirty to even begin with…
Me: All you African men are such clowns, it is very obvious. If any man expects me to clean his bathroom, then I guarantee you all that he is in a serious jonzing world.

***The snippet above is just a brief summary of the convo. Of course the conversation continued and before we parted ways, one of the guys told me to “Position myself” in regards to the matter of being seen as wifeable. I told him that if that is how babes are positioning themselves, then I decline.

No disrespect to any female who is about that bathroom cleaning life, but personally, to get on my knees and scrub a tub, clean a toilet bowl and engage in all that stuff is pretty damn deep! Standing in a kitchen and looking cute while turning some fragrant stew in a pot is one matter. To clean a man’s bathroom is an entirely different matter and I promise all my future husbands who are reading this post – It will never happen if we are not cohabiting in the same space, living together as husband and wife, or there are extenuating circumstances at hand - i.e. The man is confined to a sick bed. Other than that, as long as you are hale, heart and able bodied like me, you have hands so pick up a bottle of catdamn clorox and clean your own catdamn bathroom! Nonsense and foolishness.
I guess I just don’t know to play this dating game. Like I kuku told those "three wise men”, I’m not here to fake any funk and I will not put up any fronts, therefore I will not come to your house and clean your bathroom or do your laundry (that came up too). What I look like? Your housegirl? Nah bro.

These men sha, be wanting women to display domesticated traits and then after she has turned herself into a househelp, the men will bounce and marry some other entirely undomesticated goddess. If my point of view puts my already non-existent yards of wifey material further into the red, then so be it. Like I kuku told those guys, you African men can entirely miss me with your million rules and requirements, thinking that you all are doing us women a favor by proposing to us and it absolutely gets my goat. I am trying to chill, but trust that I will come out popping off every now and then when presented with ridiculous situations like deducting points because a woman refused to clean your bathroom/didn't take the initiative to show her domesticated side.  If you want to observe whether she’s clean or domesticated, go to her house and see how she keeps it. I maintain that until you put a ring on a woman’s finger and both of you say your vows as man and wife, she is under zero obligation to do anything for you, or prove anything to you.

*Steps off soapbox and resumes observing chill*

PS:- I have had some of the most random ass conversations with African men on thier expectations of future wifeys. I should someday blog about the one that told me that it's negative thing that all he ever heard me talk about cooking was grilled chicken/grilled fish, as per no Naija food was mentioned. LMAO. I really can't...

Friday, April 5, 2013

Whose Annointing Are You Tapping Into?

If you’re a dedicated BellaNaija (BN) reader like I am, you've probably noticed that BN wedding posts seem to take the cake. Most of the readers love to observe and fawn over a good ol’ wedding post. I certainly do enjoy looking at the wedding posts myself. My favorite things to check out are the “how we met” story, the couple’s chemistry (or lack of it), the bride’s dress, and the oh-so beautiful and handsome guests.  I’m convinced that it’s either that only fine people attend those Lagos weddings, or the photographers just gravitate towards the good looking guests for our viewing pleasure. Either way, a BN wedding is usually a fun thing to look at.

Of course, with the typical BN wedding post comes the typical accompanying comments with a lot of women firing prayers and doing fasting ontop the marriage matter. You will typically see comments such as:

Father, please I am waiting for my own oooo

"Father, do it for your daughter abeg"

In the name of Jesus, I use this couple as a point of contact and pray that my boyfriend will propose by X month…aminnnnnnn

God abeg, send me my own rich, fine husband. See oppression

I tap into this couple’s anointing…

Like clockwork, it’s always amusing to read.

I’m not even mad at women who know what they want. Hats off to every woman out there who looks at such a wedding and boldly proclaims that she is waiting for God to do her own. My prayer is that Baba God will do it for you too my dear sisters according to his will….amin! But ehn, that whole business of tapping into people’s anointing is just a somehow sonthing ooo.

I mean, think about it. What kind of anointing are you tapping into? Is it God’s own annointing? abi is it juju? abi na winchy winchy anointing? I personally cannot be tapping into anybody’s anointing because I no sabi the kain principalities and powers wey don anoint that marriage. You gats check am and realize that all that glitters is not gold.  Now I’m not saying that everybody’s marriage is suspect, not at all. Some of them are on that legit p. All I’m saying is that if you want to tap into any kind of anointing, you need to hit that direct extension to call your God and tap into his own direct anointing. Can I get an amen?

Recently, the news circulating the blogs was that some Chima Anyaso fella proposed to his girlfriend at her 25th birthday celebration in Dubai. If you keep up with the haps, you may know that this same Chima once had a pretty big wedding to another woman that featured on BellaNaija back in 2010 abi 2011. It was this really fancy affair, well attended by more than a few celebrities, and in general, the couple looked like a darling, happy duo.  Sure enough, there were at least one or two individuals who tapped into the anointing of Chima’s marriage.  From the gist of the matter, 9 months down the line, Chima and his then-wife called it quits based on a bunch of conflicting reports of he said, she said...in the end, na only both of them wey sabi the real koko of wetin happen for that marriage. Still, with all the he said, she said stories that I read about the supposed cause of their separation, na so I come ask myself…so what about the people that were tapping into the anointing? Is that the kind of anointing that they want on their marriages? The anointing of a marriage didn't last for up to 9 months and still has some serious K-leg stories that surround it? If na me personally, I go pass on that kain annointing o. Shuooo.

Forget the Chima gist sef. I’ve observed at least 3-4 weddings on that BN where I heard some kain scoin scoin back story about the couple, but on that beautiful day, as they shined bright like diamonds in all the fabulousness, some people were there tapping into their anointing. If you sef come hear the koko of their stories, I doubt you would want that kind of anointing in your own marriage. So brethren, the point of all these long story wey I don yarn finish, be say… when I observe weddings and admire the fabulousness of it all, I am careful to draw the line at tapping into anybody’s anointing as per I no know wetin don anoint that marriage. Make I no use style and tap into any juju kind of annointing. I will just continue to look to the God that I believe in, and ask him to send his own special brand of annointing that I can tap into for my ideal marriage. Ya fizznaeezy??? (That would be the rapper Lil Scrappy’s slang for “You feel me?”).

And that is all she said. Have a fantabulous weekend guys.

Monday, March 11, 2013

The Coding Issue

An old friend recently got engaged. This was her second engagement. The first one was very much publicized with a multitude of Facebook pictures and the whole world armed with the knowledge that she and ol’ dude were an item. Along the line, she started to see things about the man that she wasn't feeling so she called off the engagement, and it was this huge issue. Now, a few years down the line, ol’ girl got re-engaged to a new boo-thang and pretty much, a whole bunch of people didn't know anything about it until the day she that posted a traditional wedding picture on BBM and we were like “Hold up! You were engaged???” Look, I’m not even mad at her. It’s a case of once bitten, twice shy. The babe coded the matter well well, and in the light of her previous experience, who can blame her?

I am beginning to understand why some people keep engagement and wedding talk strictly under wraps and within the circle of trust. Within the last year and a half, I've heard of more than enough broken engagements. They all stemmed from a variety of reasons:

I found about things about his family that I wasn't comfortable with

We got engaged and realized that we truly weren't compatible

He started to show his true character and I had to bounce

And the worst of them all…

He wasn’t sure

To that last reason and the multitude of unsure men who roam this earth, all I gotta say is that God is watching you mafakas HDTV. May a man not waste your own daughter’s precious time, you hear me so?? God forbid a man raises my hopes, I start planning a wedding and then he pulls the “I’m not sure”. Heoooo, my God will fight for me on this matter! There will be blood! *catches the spirit*. If you’re not sure, then you better start to reveal yourself from day one biko. Thanks in advance.

But let me not get side tracked…

If all these once bitten women code their engagements the second time around, then I’m not mad at that at all.  I mean, do you realize how freaking awkward it is to display your ring on BBM with the status message “he put a ring on it!!!!!!!!!”, relay your very intricate proposal story that elicits a bunch of “awwwwwws” from every listening ear, and start to go through the process of planning a wedding, only to have to go back and start explaining to everybody down the line that “ummm, wedding’s off guys”. Shoot, if that was me, I would zip my mouth tightly the second time around. It’s sad that something as beautiful as getting engaged can’t be as celebrated as it should be, because of doubts, uncertainties, and even the so-called enemies of progress who may be trying to pour sand in your garri.

So yes, I understand why more women are keeping their steez on the low-key status these days.

However, here are two instances of coding that I still don’t get:
1. I put up a random post last year or so, where I briefly touched on coding and how I was blown that an engaged babe could come and be forming single babe with me, only for me to find out 4 months down the line that she was getting married, and had been dating her now husband for about 4 years. Now, while I understand the concept of coding, this was one aspect had me scratching my head. As in, I kent be here talking about how it’s hard out here on these streets and your engaged self kwa will be following me to yarn “men it’s tough for us single girls o”. In that scenario, I felt that at the very least, she could have simply issued a general statement like “ahh, I hear that my sister” or something and kept it moving. To say that I was blindsided by the babe’s engagement is an understatement.

2. When your supposed close as in “personal people” code their own from you kwa. It’s one thing to keep the matter from the general public and “friends” in the general sense of the word, and another to code it from your peoples peoples. I know someone who did that…did introduction and all her so-called close knit friends were in the dark. Like hia! I know myself, that's the kind of thing I would take hella personally. I'm talking about my personal people here o, like shiooo.

As for me, when my turn comes…will I code my own matter? Well, by default I’m not one to put information out there. For me, relationship types of things generally stay on the lowkey, and so an engagement would probably not be a publicized matter.  I was recently telling my friend that while the recent trend of folks putting their engagement info out there on Twitter (and spamming my TLs with the congratulatory RTs) is kinda cute, I know that it’s something that I wouldn't do, just because it’s not my nature.

So if you are about that coding life for your own personal reasons, then code away. And if you’re not, nothing do you as well. You know my steez on matters like this… “to each his/her own”.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Such is Life

My friend’s wife once tried to hook me up with this dude. In the name of fairness and open-mindedness, added him to my BBM, and to start with, his beyond shorthand grammar was absolutely slaying. He typed things like:

am kul
I wz der
am cuming to ur hse

I mean, dude was across the seas so our communication was all occurring on ze BBMs. The first impression no make sense o jare. But grammar aside, the man’s communication skills no get part 2, and I honestly felt like it just wasn't gonna be a good pairing. The height of it all was one day when he sent me a BBM to ask how my day was going and I said “it’s going well…winding down”, and he responded with “ahh, I can tell you are having a good time”. In confusion, I asked what he meant by that, and he said “you are winding down…you must be a good dancer” (I’m obviously quoting this in perfect English here) and y’all…I had the BLANKEST stare on planet Earth. Nah bro.
*As a runner-up to this amaxe stuvvs, he once stated something about “popping campaign”, which I later learned to be “popping champagne”. Errr, nah.

But let’s not deviate…
So, one day my friend’s wife engaged me in a grilling session…asking me why I wasn't proactively checking for her homeboy, and how he always hit her with the feedback of how “I don’t PING him”, and he was frustrated with the situation because I was very non-responsive to his IMs, and not very forth-coming in general. As the voltron force for her boy, she gave me a long spiel about how he’s a really good guy that she can vouch for any day, and how he was doing very well in his businesses, and is generally frustrated ‘cos the wimmens in Nigeria are after him for his money, and so he wanted a fresh wholesome babe like yours truly (Stories that touch). She then added as her (well-intended) parting shot… “Please give my friend a chance. Remember that the men that we ladies tend to be checking for, usually aren’t checking for us so maybe you should face the ones that are checking for you”.

I chuckled at her not so veiled sub (there’s a back story to that) but in retrospect, regarding that “the ones you like don’t like you” steez, I wasn’t even mad at her ‘cos truer words have never been spoken. I was gisting with my friend one evening. This friend of mine has had quite a lot of toasters for as long as I've known her. She’s the kind of babe that always has at least 2 men actively on her case in any given period, and in general, bruvs are always hitting her with some pick-up line or the other. Recently sef, some bruv who has been on her case sent her a Facebook inbox dropping some hot lyrics about how he would love to upgrade her last name to his last name...LMAO, I’m not making this stuff up. So, one day we were doing a rundown of her toasters as she wondered why she had never given any of them face and whether she was being too picky, and she stated with pure frustration… “How come all the men that I've been crushing on aren't the ones that are on my case. In fact  if it was my crush Emeka* that had said that he wanted to upgrade my last name, I would have quickly responded to say… baby, no need to mention, I've already dropped my father’s name for yours”. I cracked up…I mean, it was hilarious but I could feel her frustration. Such are the complexities of life.

The people you are checking for usually aren't checking for you. The people that are checking for you usually aren't the ones you are checking for. Such is life my people. You can either weigh the pros and cons, and if the pros seem to outweigh the cons, try manage with a bird in hand even if you’re not completely sold (maybe one day you will)…or you can free your hands entirely and continue to do your thing until life hands you a balanced equation. I no be Ms. Cleo no ni…as I always say, do whatever works for you. And as you do it, remember that life is unfair and such is life! :-D

And that is all she said.

*Name changed so that said crush won’t be feeling like a G6/If said crush has a girlfriend, acid bath will not enter this matter.

PS:- In my last post, Ifeoma Odogwu asked me to remove my word verification in the comments. As soon as I did, I got like 40 anonymous folks spamming me with Viagra pills and other things that I don't need. So the verification is back to stay, I know it can be annoying but such is life. Hehehehe.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Year 2012: Taking Stock – Better Late than Never

Before I begin, can I just send out a very belated happy new year to the universe? I’m always tardy for the party, but my mentality is: Better late than never. In the usual form of annual taking stock, I've given last year a very good mental rundown and, in an overall rating, I give it a C-. I will try and break it down in the most non-cryptic way that I can.

The Good
First of all, and as cliché as this may sound, I lived to see a brand new year. Each new day was a new opportunity to seize the day, and so even with all the internal craziness that I felt last year, I did strive to wake up every day and make it a good one…which didn't always work, but hey, at least I tried.

I started out the year with some drama, uncertainty, and setbacks in my job, but after the good Lord delivered me from my evil ex-Project Manager, and I switched teams, I got a chance to prove myself and I am past all of that drama. In fact, my current Project Manager has nothing but good things to say about me and my work, so that was indeed a high point in 2012.

I didn’t travel as much as I normally do, but I still got a chance to do a lil somn somn – San Fran to spend time with my homeskillet Naks and celebrate her baby shower with her, Mexico to celebrate Tayne’s milestone birthday, and Nigeria to see my family. All expensive trips, but very much worth it.
And ultimately, I am thankful for the good things like small mercies and the little things that we take for granted in life, good health, good friendships and my family.

The Bad
I think of it as the big year of limbo, and living in a general state of blahness. I just felt stuck in this impenetrable bubble, and to be honest, a lot of times I didn't know why exactly. I felt a lot of unhappiness and restlessness with life in general, and even my usual high note of self-confidence took a nice dip. My peace of mind wasn't feeling so peaceful anymore, and I experienced the largest bout of mood swings ever.

At the beginning of 2012, I set goals and by December 31st, I had only achieved maybe 15% of those goals – majority fail. Of course, I had a huge role to play in those failures so I will gladly point fingers at myself too.

This was also the year that I realized the suckage of not recognizing or seeming to have a passion/purpose in life. Till today, I remain envious of people who know that they want to do with their lives because I still have no friggin’ idea what I would love to do with mine. I like my career field aka I don’t hate it, but it’s not something that I’m passionate about or I love. I go to work, do my thing, and it pays the bills and keeps me comfortable. If I was to ever make a switch to another industry, I have no idea what it would be. And yes, I took one of those personality/career test things and still remain clueless. It was a constant nagging thing that kept popping up in my head, and now I just continue to pray for clarity in that area.

Last, but not least, I did not feel on top of my usual A-game. I was in this state of constant lethargy and not wanting to do JACK, recurring boredom with everything (including myself), and a general attitude of “I’m not in the mood”. Even wearing clothes to go out started to be a chore, and I just wanted to remain in my little zone majority of the time. I did try to do things to "self help" like the 31 day reset (but I still wasn't feeling reset after a while and so I quit).

The Ugly
None, thankfully.

In 2013 – As we already are on this 22nd day of January
Every day is a new opportunity to try again, so once again I have those outstanding goals on my to-do list, as well as some new ones. I recognize my weaknesses, and I’m working to get past those limitations. I want to get back to being in the mental space that I used to be in, feeling more in control of my thoughts and my attitude, and just getting back to ME. By God, I will not look back at 2013 and peg it down as another meh and blah year…amen? Amen.

Enjoy the rest of your week.