Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Some Married Men and the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Policy

A while ago, I attended a friend’s wedding and ended up sitting beside a fine young man in church. We got to chatting and I found him to be a nice fella. At the reception, we went our separate ways but reconnected again at the bar where we got to talk some more and made plans to meet up the next day.
The next day, we met up and in summary probably spent a good 5-6 hours together doing nothing but innocent chilling and gisting. I was simply enjoying the company of a fine young man without thinking too far ahead into the situation.
So errr, when a well-intentioned friend who had seen us hanging together at the wedding, hit me up that next day and asked me “How do you know Mr. XYZ?” I responded that I didn’t know him from anywhere, and was just meeting him that weekend. She then hit me with the “well, be careful sha because he’s married” advice and I was like WORD? Married ke? I never hesperrerit.

And so since he was in “my very before” (aka presence), I digested the information and turned to ask him… “Mr. XYZ, word on the street is that you’re married. Is this true?” and he said “Yes I am…I figured that Jane would tell you eventually”.
I can’t even explain the type of side eye that I gave him that day. Like hold up dude! We’ve been in each other’s’ presence for how many hours, and you needed me to hear about your marital status from a 3rd party? BRUHH.

To be honest, ol’ boy never said anything to me that was out of line or that screamed “trifling”. Our interaction was truly just great conversation with some refreshments and small chops in the mix but I just found it really questionable that we had literally spent hours together and not one peep, pim, or mention of a wife entered the equation. The thing really get as e be o. 

Ultimately, he gave some explanations… “I just wanted to get to know you independent of the marriage tag” and asked me… “Would you have been as open with me if I said told you that I was married from the jump?”. An explanation that I thought was just tales as I pointed out to him that when I met my closest male friend, in 5 minutes he had already told me that at the time, he had just gotten married to a gal in Nigeria. And that didn’t stop us from flowing and geling as friends.
Me, I sha said that I would have appreciated some transparency and honesty cos that deliberate omission was shady. But in the end, we cleared up the situation and spent the remainder of the hangout session in good company albeit an increased awareness of the situation. Shady non-disclosure aside, I still think that Mr. XYZ was a very cool individual, definitely the perfect gentleman at all times, and I don’t regret the interaction at all.

But that definitely got me thinking about some of these Naija men and their coded policies. It’s literally a “don’t ask me, and I won’t tell you” situation these days. That situation that I described above was not the first time I had met, interacted and flowed well with a guy and then belatedly found out that he was married. What is up with that?
When I get married, first of all I need my husband to wear his damn ring 24/7 (Like seriously, why don’t these men wear their rings?), and even with the ring, he gotta namedrop “my wife” like 2 seconds into any interactions with females. LOL.
But on the real…Dear Husband can’t be out there kiki-ing it up and spending significant time with a woman with zero mention of me. Nope, that wont fly bruv. SAY MY NAME and make sure the girl knows it very well. 

That’s how some of these females get entangled with married men and they don’t even know it at the beginning. By the time they find out, some of them are too sprung to walk away. I’m in no way justifying those relations but I can see how some situations can get real complex. I had this ex-coworker that dealt with a married man for about 4 years, and she said she only found out that he was married about 8 months into their relationship by which time she was way too sprung to leave the situation. Now why she carried her leg and stayed there for 4 years, na only she know ooo. But sometimes these men stay on that non-disclosure and deliberate omission behavior and then women get all caught up and can’t flee from the devil. Again, I make no excuses for the side-chick behavior but I’m just saying.

Sha sha, based on that deal with Mr. XYZ, I have decided that going forward, I’m going to straight up start asking dudes “Are you married?” before continuing any conversations. These days it’s not only by bare ring finger that you will know o, as a lot of bruvs don’t wear their rings out there on these streets. Sha, I can't even guarantee that all married men will be truthful about thier status but I know that the Lord on the Throne will definitely give me the spirit of discernment in these matters. Aminnnn.

Knowledge is power, and it’s good to remain aware. That’s how you will be innocently minding your business and some random girl is mean-mugging you and you’re wondering why. It just might be some man’s disgruntled wife who thinks you are after her husband, meanwhile the man didn’t even tell you that he was married.  That is how wahala starts.

And that is all she said.


TayneMent said...

I saw a tweet that seemed like it was blaming women asking how hard is it to ask a guy if he is married or not?. i tire.

blogoratti said...

Better to be safe than sorry indeed ladies. No ring on their fingers, yea these married men know what they are doing.

mizchif said...

Prior to my return to Lagos i'd always simply assumed that any guy that starts chatting me up for whatever reason must surely be single. Infact i never even remember to check ring fingers. But now it's safer to just assume they are all married until proven otherwise.
We all is screwed.

Danceslave said...

Lol, it's funny neither husband or I wear rings. And initially he didn't have a ring but decided himself that he wanted to get one to help in social situations. I myself, don't necessarily talk about being married as a first thing or even for a while. But then again, these days shit, I'm not really going out in any single life social type situations...and I'm either out with him, kiddo, or around hella folks who already know I'm married. Same with him.

But yeah he decided to get the ring. Doesn't wear it all the time but has it on his key chain... so when he goes out alone, to bars or events he'll put it on. Said it helps him, just communicate that without it being like either trying to imply that the woman might be interested, or think he is... and just silently communicate that, so it's not awkward trying to find the moment to input 'my wife' or 'I'm married' in the convo.

I cracked up when he came home from being out one night like... "I really need to get a ring!"

air-mecca said...

I put on my wedding ring till "death do us part". I've never pulled the ring from my finger since we exchanged vows, it is not an accessory, it has simply become a part of me. Synonymous with wearing your heart on your finger.

As for why the fella in question didn't volunteer that he was married, his reasons are a prelude to cheating alibis. He volunteered his name and other relevant info, but he conveniently omitted his marital status? gerrraourahere! That kneegah is a skilled G in infidelity games.

Adaeze Ezenwa said...

"I just wanted to get to know you independent of the married tag". The dude is a sick comedian I swear, he's married whether there's a "tag" or not. Something tells me the dude will end up cheating on his wife one day if he isn't already.
Reminds me of a young man I almost fell in love with when I was in my very early twenties, he was married and I had no clue. Luckily I discovered his status when I was considering his offer to be his babe. That's how I would have been a side chick at 21...

leggy said...

i have no intention of getting into a relationship anytime soon so i never ask if a man is single or not. but when i'm ready, i will be asking from the jump before somebody will be pouring acid on my face.

Anonymous said...

my dear these guys ehn, even when you "are you married"? they be like "this girl, you are funny oh" or "dont make me laugh", then when yawa burst they will say well i didnt tell you i wasnt married. It is amadioha that you will sew their butt checks together

Fragilelooks said...

onye ajuju anaghi efu uzo. Somehow i never get to meet such folks.

Berry Dakara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Berry Dakara said...

Girl, you mean you ain't never read my post Married Until Proven Single?

Lara said...

I have been in this situation plenty times, that was how I got entangled with a married man at some point in my life. They never tell you married or in serious relationships. The ones in serious relationships are the worst.

This your friend had an hidden agenda, than God for your friend.

Musingsofjudgejudyjudy..... said...

I need to take off my rings to do chores around the house and to just let my fingers breathe!