Monday, September 14, 2009

The bride price formula...

This past weekend I: Sat on my bed and finished a mini tub of Edy's Drumstick Icecream...all 1000+ calories of it, watched 3 movies- I love you man, Obsessed (TOTAL waste of my brain cells) & Confessions of a Shopaholic, Hit up Barnes & Noble for some material, went shopping for household goods and watched the VMAs yesternite while I stalked all the FB statuses about Kanye's foolish behavior and Lady Gaga's madness. That woman needs Jesus but I absolutely love it! Lmao
How was your weekend?

PS:- I STILL need a personal masseuse on call 24/7.
PPS:- I have found a new blog boo...David someboribobo (That is how I read his name and I kid you not), the man can bake meatpie. Need I say more? (He doesn't know that he's taken yet, but he is...all husband snatchers should instantly take note and back off)

Speaking of which...A man who knows how to cook = An asset. I gosta teach my sons how to cook o...I will insist that they come into the kitchen and watch me throw down so that when they grow up women will not be making shakara for them + for each dish that they can make, the amount of brideprice that they will pay will decrease. Abi now... :-D
Oh y'all aint know that I have my brideprice formula? Aight...let me edumacate somebody up in this piece.

Mgbeke's Official Brideprice Calculator:

  • The woman sabi cook (Let's add $5,000)
  • If she sabi cook more complex dishes that transcend beyond the typical Egusi, Jollof Rice...i.e Isi ewu aka Goat head, Ugba aka African salad, Ofe Owerri and even international dishes for some diversity (We go add an additional $5,000)
  • Can she bake? (Extra $5,000)
  • Does she have a Bachelors degree? ($5,000)
  • What kind of degree did she get? If it's something random like Early Childhood education (We no go add moni...abeg my ECE majors no stone me abeg :-D), Anything in the business field ($5,000...make it $10,000 for Accounting and Finance...LOL), Engineering, Computer Science and 'em techie stuvvs ($15,000)
  • Does she have a Masters degree? Double the amount for all the categories...if na Law school we go triple am and if na Med school, we will triple am + 1 Hummer and 1 Ferrari each for both parents. Is it a beans to go to Med school?
  • How exposed/well traveled is she? If her idea of taking an annual vacation is going to the Nigerian Reunion on a yearly basis...we no go add moni. If she has been to a variety of places/been exposed to a bunch of cultures...we go add an additional $3,000
  • For every additional language that she can speak apart from English, we go add $2,000 each...after all even in the Corporate world, it is an asset for one to be bi-lingual. PS:- For such purposes, Pidgin = A Language. Lmao!
All this moni na on top of the regular amount of brideprice wey man go pay because hin see one fine correct babe wey hin wan marry. After all, we don conclude say e no easy to pluck a flawa from one's garden...abi I lie?

Now, for my dudes...make una heart no beat too fast as una don analyze this my list. I trust say some of una don observe this list, plan on how you go waka home and break up with your long term girlfriend of 4 years as per you no wan collect cardiac arrest on top of paying bride price. Abeg o, chill first...I no send una. When dem send Shekpe on top ya head, you go tok say na Mgbeke cause am.
Calm your beating hearts down 'cos I gotchu! The bride price wey una fit pay go reduce if and only if:


  • Can you cook? If so, we go reduce the woman's bride price by $2,000. So in the end na $3,000 wey you fit pay. You still gosta pay moni because odds are that the woman will take up majority of the cooking in the marriage so you gosta pay moni for that sweat wey she go sweat on top the hot stove.
  • Can you cook the complex dishes mentioned above? If so, we go reduce the bride price by $1,000.
  • Do you have a Bachelor's degree? *Ahem*...we shall only reduce the B.P if you majored in the sciences/techie/some areas of business so abeg if na Psychology, the above mentioned Early Childhood education, Social work and such fields...in fact we go even add an additional $5,000 on top the Bride price wey you go pay because it is absolutely NOT manly for you to go to school and not major in Medicine, Law, Engineering, Accounting or Computer Science. LMAO. *Tongue in cheek*
  • Masters/Advanced degree? We go reduce am too and if you go Med school/Law school and are guaranteed a starting salary of at least $200,000/year (after residency and such things), then we go cancel out the entire bride price wey you suppose pay sef and na we wey go come pack dowry on top your head...after all as women, we are encouraged to chase down the dokitas so that we can live in a nice big house with a white fence, send our kids to private schools only and drive the 2020 Mercedez Benz wey you go park for garage. *Winks*
  • Are you well traveled and bi-lingual? We go negotiate with the village heads and come to a decision on how much we wan reduce the bride price we you go pay.
Hehehehe, so you see my dudes. I got covered y'all too didn't I?
So *ahem*...it's not too late guys...go and learn how to cook. And if you are in any kind of Major where every Christmas, you visit Nigeria and someone asks you 'Chinedu what are you studying' and you have to engage in a 10 minute conversation in an attempt to explain what the heck you are studying then I suggest that you drop out of school and re-enroll with a career path in Medicine...(it might cost you $1M in student loans, but you will save a substantial amount of money on the bride price..LMAO), plus...when you go to Nigeria and they ask you 'Chinedu, what are you studying?'...you can proudly puff out your chest and simply answer 'Medicine' while you watch for the appreciative glint that will suddenly appear in the asker's eyes.

Thank me later.

The end.

63 comments:

My World said...

hahahaha!!!
Bride price calculator indeed!

http://myspiltink.blogspot.com said...

ahahahhahahah! Love it....
Welll... its like my bride price is up there small.... *jumps up and down*

leggy said...

lol...as im chem engineering..i should start looking for rich man shebi?lol

Rene said...

it might cost you $1M in student loans, but you will save a substantial amount of money on the bride price...LMAO

Zena said...

Mgbeke,
Which planet are you from?LWKMD!!!!!!!!!!! How exactly did you come up with this bride price calculator honestly? my bride price high well, well, lol l

Lady Gaga is gaga and she needs Jesus or a shrink...maybe both.....

This David person, ehn! we've heard he's your husband(d fact that he doesn't know isn't a problem)but are you going to share the link?

So did you buy anything in BnN?

miss.fab said...

Lmfao!!! Hahaha I love this. All my Engineering majors stand up! Brapp brapp brappp!!! Hehehe

I have totally figured out the devil's representatives on this earth o... JayZ is the antichrist, Beyonce is his aider/abetter/assistant, and Lady Gaga is the devil herself. All other representatives to be unveiled shortly... hehehe

miss.fab said...

Oh I forgot to claim my top 10th spot. Whachu know about that. Hehe

Controversy said...

Hahahahahahah @ bride price calculator.
But shit all that is to expensive joh, and what about DOWRY?
Calculate dowry o

chayoma said...

Mgebuks
Please talk say no be my David Yori yori u wan claim? i knw say he fit bake meatpies....
David better clear this air oh! u can't be cheating on me. I no gree.

Naa this bride price calculator needs to be marketed and distributed oh!
i think the self proclaimed "Mayor" of blogville will be an excellent candidate seeing as he get better marketing skills...
lol

uNWrItten* said...

lol this babe u are crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahah...i love this calculator...dont be knocking the social science majors tho! lol..i will just come and knack ur head..
and please leave david alone..he is all mine i saw him first!! lol
p.s confessions of a whatever is one of the most boring movies ever ..

Sassy Trends said...

hahahahahahaahaha....
na real bride price calculator...
lmao!!!

Ms.O said...

Lmao! I dont even know what to say. You have mos def lost it!!!

Scarlet said...

at this rate it's like i'm not going to find husband o cuz my bride price is high well well adn i'm definately not marrying a Dr!!
but so doctors in yanke get paid that much?

Reverence said...

*dead*
LOL.. wait you did not add the one you told me about CPA and otehr professional licenses adding to bride price. oya g'an edit osiso.

I still think the whole Kanye thing was MTV's publicity stunt cos don't nobody watch the VMAs no mo!

BlackVoltron said...

y'all berra be ready to stay single..........for what na!!!! when did a woman become as expensive as a sports car........love the humor tho...

Yinkuslolo said...

i have a post-draft on that major ish

Myne Whitman said...

LOL at the bride-price calculator. You wan igbese all the guys finish and see as when you add 5k for the women, you comot only 1k for the men. I gbadun your style sha, man must cook! LOL

Sugabelly said...

LOL!!!!

Nefertiti said...

See dis tiff woman o! Bride price koo, groom price ni. U berra up ur game/formula...lol

PS: I will love u forever, Mbgeks. I found some really cool things. Thanks for the info! ;)

Odunayo said...

LOL...I need this in writing o!

Lady X said...

LMAO!!!!
I like this list very much! I think I might show this to my mom hehe! A guy that can cook is sexy...But if he can cook and bake please gimme his number!!

Quaggar said...

Damn... i need to polish my cooking skills.
**off to look for a hot, young female volunteer teacher***

Phoenix said...

LMAO, i need to print this out and produce it when the lucky man comes..., see enjoyment na!!

Tigeress said...

:):):)

Nice Anon said...

Onye ara! So seeing as I sabi fry akara wetin una wan add for that one?
Creative idea though. LOL

Repressed One said...

LNGKM!!! Na so you jobless reach?? the things you come up with ehn...bride price calculator kwa? LOL

Kate said...

YES!!..my bride price is definitely on point!!!
you are a case!! LOL!!
but wait..if the dude went to med.school..even 200k starting salary will not help when he has tons and tons of loans na...those student loans should cause bride price to increase

Tay-mee said...

LOL..that Obsessed movie is beyond waste of brain cells..kai.

This your formula is a serious something though..LMAO.

Miss Healthy Diva said...

Lmao ur a case! Well according to your calculator, my bride price should be there a bit so I ain't even mad@ ya!

Miss Healthy Diva said...

PS: How can u call watching Idris Elba's sexiness a waste of brain cells? Hmph

Ebony~!* said...

LOL please i will call you to calculate my own when time reach oh! ahn ahn you no even play sef! heheheh. ride on jo.LOL @ its not easy to plug flower from ones garden.

Fabulo-la said...

LOOOL!
I like ur calculator jere!
Womens studies and co, sorry we no fit marry you!

lmao!

Gochi said...

Ur Hilarious but quite frankly that is how it should be done.

Yeah Finally someone who thought obsessed was Rubbish. Movie =Yawn!

Anoda Phase said...

lol...this ur formula na wah oh...

Proud prick said...

Incomplete formula.

What of the babe's mgbeke-coefficient? In case of emergency can she hand wash cloth? What is the point of putting a well traveled doctor in your house if she can't handle evil relatives in you absence? Minus $56000.

The guy prick factor nko?
Whats the point of husbanding a doctor that can cook continental oriental and local dishes if you can pick teeth with his penis? Toothpick prick? minus $250000.

My$.02

Lyrics99 said...

Gosh,you are funny. Your bride price is a way of telling all the Chinedus to hold their peace.

akaBagucci said...

for your mind sha.... i didn't items in the formula related to 'performance'

Tinu said...

off to get french spanish russian and co for dummies!
I love your calculator!!

mizchif said...

Nne, no be small tin oh! Dis ya calculator toh bad oh! All the men go just run comot.

LWKM @ Chinedu explaining what he's studying for 10mins, for true our people do not want to hear anything that is not Doctor, lawyer, engineer or banker.

~B~ said...

Lol, mbeks u wont kill me! Who d'u want t marry me at this price?? mmhh??
nd ther shuld b a discount oh! if you've been tgether 5 years plus, u deserve one

Rosie said...

Mgbeke, u hit the nail on the head. Now you need to come up with a marriageability criteria for men; as in:
Doctor/Lawyer/Engineer - Level 10
Cute - Level 8
Funny - Level 7
Nice house - Level 5
Cool car - Level 4
Dresses well - Level 3
Has 8 kids - Level 1
With 8 women - Level -5

Kemberly said...

Awwww shit!!! You had me in stitches! I was actually sitting there trying to calculate my bride price! Lol! You had me laughing extra hard at the part you said that guys should only go to school for Law, Medicine, Engineering...et al! You're funny mbgeke!

histreasure said...

Babe,you wil not kill me with lafta. i seriously gbadun this calculation o..
ah, so na dash dem carry me dash this man o..

histreasure said...

Babe,you wil not kill me with lafta. i seriously gbadun this calculation o..
ah, so na dash dem carry me dash this man o..

Rita said...

LOL...I am sending this to my mother...so that she will not be short changed. She will make alot of money from her 6 fine girls...

FFF said...

nne, for my village, masters degree for woman na minus oh! lol!!!! no mind my bush village people!

O.F.C.J. said...

Wow. Judt found your blog. Funny and interesting post. I think if I follow this formula in demanding the dowry, I will be very wealthy.
Lol

O.F.C.J.

www.overwhelmingfullness.blogspot.com

olu said...

Jesus Christ in a miniskirt!

I don laugh tire. You're the only that can pull this off.

LMAO @ "thank me later."

One3People! said...

you are a DAMNNNN FOOL!!

LusciousRon said...

LOL! Hoever, on a serious note, can I have a copyright licence to reproduce this calculator for my father as a guidance to what range of bride price he should ask for? I (clears throat) fit all the listed criteria e no easy. Thanks in advance!

David.фаворит Бога номер-один said...

HAHAHA!!! i didn't get any proposals oh!!! and besides, why am i just seein this, ehn?

if na so i go pay tire before i marry you...err erhm, i go first think am tire..no vex ehn...i just hate to dey owe

LWKMD!!!

bob-ij said...

LOOOOOOL.... yay to accounting and finance adding $10,000. as for the cooking... Gimme a month...lol..
I have to show the men in family, it will help them for all of us females...lol

x!

bArOquE said...

does that formula apply to you, so that applications can be sent in, i want to sponsor somebody. LOL

misspumping said...

all correct

aeedeeaee said...

*DEAD*
FLMFAO! Chei! Nwa ke g'e gbu mmadu o! Na im be say if person get TWO master degree and im dey multi lingual, in short, ummunna a ba go uba! Mehn...*calculating my brideprice* Boys do je gbese o!
*DEAD*

Enkay said...

hahahaha! Na wa o!
Now the families can have a 'template/spreadsheet' for calculating bride price!

E be like say na dokita go dey in high demand now o!

Temite said...

hehehehehe.... Merci o

Ms. 'dufa said...

I've heard so much about obsessed and I haven't seen it yet.

Thou shall stay 100ft away from David..

LWKMD@bride calculator. That's some mad money going on there!

That was funny!

Shubby Doo said...

lol...my bride price high small of $72000...i dey here kampe so who go pay...

this is too funny hun

Afrobabe said...

lmao...I see your kolomentality never change..

lmao @changing course if it takes more than 10 minutes to explain what exactly you are studying....

Nkei said...

Okay so here’s mine based on your calculator
1. $5,000
2. $5,000+ $5,000= $10,000
3. $10,000+ $5,000=$15,000
4. $15,000+ $5,000=$20,000
5. $20,000 + 0 =$20,000
6. $20,000 + 0 =$20,000
7. $20,000 + $3,000 =$23,000
8. 23,000+ $2000 (Igbo) + $2000 (Pidgin) + $2000 (Spanish)
GROSS VALUE=$29,000

With the MAN TAX
1. $29,000-$2,000=$27,000
2. $27,000-$1,000=$26,000
NET VALUE=$26,000

Sounds like some stuff will STILL be reduced based on all those negotiations
Looks like some little ass money tho…amo need to work on upping it. But then we gon have the issue of being too unreachable. I don suffer!!

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Love it too. I think you have a very nice and wealthy family. Thanks for the great read.

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