Monday, October 1, 2012

On Lessons Learned, Being his Plan A, and Consolation Prizes


Lessons Learned
A couple of years ago, I experienced the closest thing to heartbreak when a guy who I really really liked did me some serious levels of “Negro you aint right!”...as in on some serious “see finish” levels. Prior to my experience with Mr. Heartbreak hotel, I had the bad habit of blaming myself or thinking that there was something wrong with me when interactions and dealings between me and various men didn't go as planned. But with this guy, one thing I knew for sure was that I was the best person that I could have been to him. I liked him a lot, and so I did the most for him because I truly wanted to do these things and in the end, he dropped me like a hot bag of charcoal for some chick that he ended up with.
The experience with this “heartbreak hotel” dude was a learning experience for me. For one, I learned that if I like a guy, I have no problem extending myself to do stuff for him. Not because, I’m campaigning to be considered as 50 yards of wife material, but because it’s something that I actually want to do. Secondly, I learned to stop blaming myself for anything. After being dropped like hot charcoal, I experienced and went through a variety of emotions but blaming myself was not one of the above. Matter of fact, it hit me like “wow, I was all that and a bag of chips, and he aint appreciate it?? You aint about that life bro!”. Thanks to that experience, I learned that I can be all that AND sometimes it's not me, its them.
Last but not least, I learned that as a woman, if you like swing over chandeliers and do gymnastics on the ceiling for a man, if he’s going to NEXT your azz, then he will do it. If you like cook him 3 course meals every day, make your mother’s secret recipe style of pepper soup for him when he’s sick in bed with the flu, if he no want you, then he no want you. If you like, “be there” for him when he needs to talk, rant, and get things off his shoulder, nothing for you if the guy no get plans for you. I put myself out there for Mr. Heartbreak Hotel but I found out that I was never in his original game plan, because he had another chick in mind all along as his plan A and I was just a “hold this one till I get the main one”  to him. Tough life.


Plan A vs.Plan B, C, D
This leads me to the next point. Per my theory, most men have their first draft picks (Plan A) and then plan B, C, D. A woman might put all her eggs in her plan A basket, but a man will have all his backup plans lined up. I once dated a guy who I can say was one of the best and most attentive/caring booskis that a girl could ask for. The only problem was that early on in our relationship, I discovered that I could never have held a torch to his plan A…a girl that he had loved for many many years. In fact, after I found out about her and quickly terminated the relationship, he told me that while he felt that we had potential, and I terminated things way too abruptly, he wanted to thank me for opening his eyes to the reality of the situation. Today, they are married and live in neverneverland. Like I said, I could never have held a torch to that woman. Or there was the confused one aka Mr. Confused who wanted to start something up with me and gave me this really cool tale about how he was done with some other chick… “she’s not wifey material. She’s too Americanized. She’s too this and that”. I mean, he always seemed quite obsessed with talking about this chick and her so-called faults sef so I wasn’t even taking his yarns seriously. Then 3 weeks later, he calls me up and tells me that he and ol’ girl had a talk and they are giving things another go. I said oh? Okay na. Fast forward 1.5 years later, they are also married in their own neverneverland. Potential plan B situation averted.
Let’s not talk about the various wedding websites that I’ve seen and I be reading the stories and mapping the timelines like ummm wasn’t this kneegro dating this other XYZ chick around this time frame? What can I say? Men definitely be keeping their options open.

Consolation Prizes
If I had a dollar for each time that a man offered me a “consolation prize”, I would be stacking paper. For instance, after I got over Mr. Heartbreak, we got to a point where we could relate on cordial terms, and one day he told me… “but you know you are a catch right?”…and mentally I was like Oh yeah? I am a catch, yet you dropped me real fast and was parading around town with the new girl within weeks? Boy bye!”. Or the time I was talking to Mr. Confused and he told me that if it hadn't been his wife, I would have been the one with the ring. LMAO. Am I here for these consolation prizes?
I have met quite a number of men who washed me and said “you are different”, “you are this” and “you are that” yet never stepped their game up with me AND then moved on to other women (and married them for the most part) so umm really, in the words of our dear ol’ Sweet Brown… “aint nobody got time for that!”. All these consolation prizes are just cheap words and don’t mean anything to me if I’m not a man’s plan A and number 1 choice. If I can quote one of my favorite songs from Marina and the Diamonds… “I’d rather walk alone than play a supporting role, if I can’t get a starring role”. All I’m saying is that I don’t need consolation prizes 'cos they don't mean anything to me and they don't validate my existence. Give me a starring role so that I know that it’s real.

In summary, when it comes to matters concerning the menfolk, I don’t even try to pretend to understand anything. Thanks to various experiences and the like, I've reached a point in my life where I take these matters at face value. Words are just words, nothing to get excited over. Actions are becoming cheap too. Heck, he might take me to the meet the parents and introduce me to his entire neighborhood, but to me, that don’t mean anything. Like my friend says…if we walk down the aisle, then I know that it’s live and direct. In the meantime, the numero uno lesson that I've learned when dealing with the menfolk is = be yourself. Sure, we are all imperfect beings and a work in progress, so work on whatever it is that you need to work on for YOUR own self-improvement, and not so that Chinedu will consider you to be wifey material. If doing XYZ is in your nature, then do XYZ…and if it aint, then don’t even try to fake it for anybody. 

And that is all she said.

32 comments:

Onakachi said...

I like this post a lot and you ain't NEVER lied. Sometimes it isn't about you, it's them. I have always believed that if a guy wants you, nothing will keep him away, and if he doesn't, nothing will make him stay. Your actions may delay his exit, but he shall surely leave. Like you said, if the girl likes, she can do acrobatics from the ceiling. Mba. He'll enjoy the acrobatics while panting like a thirsty dog but will leave you when he's done enjoying what you have to offer. Don't even get me started on the consolation talk.

bumight said...

Mgbeks! Mgbeks! Whenever you blog it's like "here's ALL this stuff, sorry I ain't blogged in a while"...and all we can do is give a resounding GBAM!

Taynement said...

*pass the offering plate so i can put in my offering*. True talk everywhere.

Definitely spot on with the options bit and that's where most women mess up. They definitely keep their options open, while women play o ye faithful. Lesson definitely learned in that area. Unless it's official it's all fair game.

Yea no point trying to understand each other. All different until you meet your person and una try to understand each other.

Third World Profashional said...

Lol @ "offering plate". So true boo. I realised very early on that men are not complicated, they don't do signals, there's no subtext...women just tend to hear what they want to hear when it comes to dealing with men.

A guy tells you from 19 kpiridim no date that "I'm not ready for a relationship right now, lets just seeing how this goes", nne run very far away. When a guy wants to wife a girl there's no beating around the bush because he doesn't want to lose the girl while he's faffing around, he lets her know upfront that this is the deal. Unlike girls that cam be mad about a man and front for years even.

Luckily my self control is infinite and I've always been able to get out of situations before they tuned fatal just by really listening to the guy and not being about that 'hoping and praying this goes my way' life.

You're lucky your previous relationships didn't work out because it means the one for you is still out there and you haven't ended up with someone elses soulmate by mistake.

About keeping your options open I've never been a supporter of that notion because I don't think a relationship can work when the two of you have backups, like there's no incentive to work at being together. Guys only keep their options open when they're not serious about a girl, when they find the one, so to speak, they enter that last bus stop and park there, no options, nada (the good ones anyway).

Different strokes for different folks but I don't do that options thing, right now all my eggs are in one basket and if it doesn't work out I'll know its because it wasn't meant to be not because I dividing my time trying to maintain my "options"

Sabirah said...

Preeeeeeeaaaach and shout it from the damn rooftops
*drops offering in Tayne's plate*

Looool about the wedding websites, I see I'm not the only one... I'm just like hian there are holes in ya 5yr courtship oh all that story is for una. lmao!

I miss you OG! :* :* :*

Third World Profashional said...

Lordy enough typos in my comment. Thats what typing while half awake at 4.37am does to you

Mwajim Al said...

Preach.

Taynement said...

oops, i should clarify i meant having options during casual/unofficial dating, not in an official relationship.

LohiO said...

*puts money in the offering plate and shouts a resounding amen*

Your comment on options is so apt!!!! It so sad how we as women put all our eggs in one basket. While man them be having 10 options!!!!!
No need to understand men!

'Lara said...

These words define me, “I’d rather walk alone than play a supporting role, if I can’t get a starring role”.

You never can tell with the men folk, they are just one of a kind.

Great post as always.

Nutty J. said...

...and may the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ...the love of God, and the sweet fellowship of the Holyspirit, rest and abide with us nw and forever. Amen

SHE said...

Can I lead the choir on this?
I have always believed that it’s no use turning yourself to a kitchen fixture simply because you are dating a guy who likes home cooked food. Or suddenly becoming a club girl because the guy is that way. It won’t change anyone’s mind one bit, if they didn’t already like you.
Enough said though. Do what makes you happy. Finish!

sir farouk said...

Mgbeks for some reason I thought you had retired from blogging. Lovely post.

I quite agree with what you say on many fronts. If a man wants to wife a lady up he will. There is little you can do to convince him. Just be the happiest you can be and the right man will find you.

aeedeeaee said...

....and the people chorused "AMEN"

Personally, I have one basket at a time, if e no work, e no work ni yen!

It's already cumbersome dealing with one plan then I wan go add plan B, C, D....and whatever else? Mba nu. Ike a dighim

Great brekkie, Mgbeks Darling :)

Random One said...

Ohhh girl!!!! Can we talk about that consolation prize sh!t??? Do kneegrows think that mess is flattering?? O_0.

That mess irritates me....fools talmbout varying degrees of "you're the only one/I've never met anyone/etc. I'm like 'boy, if you don't get the Hell up out my face with that 'tarded yarns, we gon have problems' Even married friends somehow feel the need to say "if I wasn't married ill totally wife"...ehn so what am I pose to do with that info?? These days I'm inclined to tell anyone that goes there a lil something bout themselves.

Foolishness abounds. Mschew.

Hiiii Mgbeks!!! Lol.

Toinlicious said...

Amen!!!!!!!!!!

Original Mgbeke! You are truly original jor!

Girl, have i told you i loved you lately? I soo do.

lmao@Nutty J

mizchif said...

First off lemme do my hallelujah stomp and drop my offering in the basket.

Blame my naija ISPs for my tardiness to this post.
You ain't never lied babe. I can't count how many consolation messages i been getting, like dude why are you handing me your wedding invite and talking about how wonderful we were together? Sit.

I'm all about being yourself no matter what but Right now i'm working on things about myself that need amendment before i make plans to join myself to another human being.

aeedeeaee said...

Gbam!

iskminov said...

Lol. I feel women are the ones who always have options, not the guys. But it's a cold world. And your analysis is pretty pessimistic. Lol. I get you though.

Myne Whitman said...

Well said and to the last paragraph, it's a GBAm from me.

Ada said...

and that is all!!! gbam! gbam!
Remember my little crisis after we cam back from atlanta? lol
as much as people hate on kolaboof on twitter, a lot of things she says is the truth.
That men are taught/conditioned to love differently than women. They are allowed to be free.

I am of the opinion that when it is right it should be easy. All these unnecessary complexities give me headache. i Love my peace of mind

Mrs. Burned said...

PART I **Drops a crisp $100 bill in the offering plate!** In short, I could write a book on this topic - it is the story of my life ! Mr. Heartbreak Hotel & I had this on again-off again r/ship, known him for years.It eventually became clear that I wasn't his plan A, but his oh-so-prized "best female friend". In retrospect I should have known, you can accelerate from friends to more-than-friend, but to enta reverse from more-than-friends to friends - that one na complicated sturvs. So I settled for consolation of best female friend and indeed we "were", we'd talk frequently, I'd hear about the people he was seeing and he'd hear about the people I was seeing, it'd chook me a little but not too much UNTIL Mrs. Plan A came along and I could tell he was sprung and this was a legit relationship. All that hope wey I dey cling on to as per "Maybe one day he will wake up and realize that great friendships like we have are the stepping stones for dating/marriage r/ship". LOL kai see my life oh.Mrs. Plan A out of now where, comes in, was so insecure of my r/ship with him that she kinda made him cut me off small (he'd only call me at work, and not when he was home with her..etc), now guilt done dey catch Mrs. PlanA and she is trying to make us "friends" again.

Mrs. Burned said...

PART II : Anyway, before I start my yarns lemme just share my lesson learned.NEVER BE A FRIEND TO MR. HEARTBREAK HOTEL! Yes you are "over" him, but as a woman it SUX and HURTS like hell to know you did all you could and still e no jel! Lyrics of Adele's song, 'Take it All' say it all.

"Didn't I give it all?
Tried my best
Gave you everything I had
Everything and no less

Didn't I do it right?
Did I let you down?
Maybe you got too used to
Having me around"

He always said you're my closest female friend, such a great catch (but you no catch me - you see wayo?), the chemistry we had set the bar... upon all those yarnisms...after all the addition, subtraction, multiplication and division - the equation = ZERO !!! Biko my peepu - don't ever settle for a faux friendship...wey get K leg ! Don't be there for him, send him care packages, be the shoulder to cry on, be the female perspective on issues....cuz one day you will start to do the matimatics and add all the stuff you've been doing or the investments you've made into the r.ship and it just won't add up. Kneegroe will bounce as soon as Mrs. Plan A flits across his peripheral vision - he go don waka run! Now every contact with Mr. Heartbreak is like a reminder for me of why I'm not enough (yes, some may say it's not about me, I understand). However, the bottom line is I was not enough for HIM for one reason or the other. Like Mgbeks says - Tough life. I'm not over him, I have meltdowns...2-3 times a year and I'm a grown ass woman in her late 20s!!! (Yes, we still get emotional) Haven't met a guy that compares to him (and yes, I shouldn't be comparing but Mr. Heartbreak was A CATCH....he had 95% of the qualities I look for in a man). Now I'm figuring out how to do the slow fade out, I have to look out for myself. I'm the one who's still single and emotionally "vulnerable" so to speak (please - all feminists restrain yourselves...it is what it is oh jare!) - I've tried not answering calls, texts and now have been termed "Awkward" as in - what's going on with this babe? When Mrs. Plan A rambles on via email inviting me to a surprise party for him, I reply with one liners "Can't make it, take care!" I'm taking back the reigns of control oh jare - he no give me what I wanted so why now should I let him have his cake and eat it too at MY expense(relationship with Mrs. Plan A and friendship with me) while me I go just dey like empty gourd...lai lai! So yes, I'm awkward now. If they get married - great. If they don't, I will use that oppurtunity to tell him the Koko "look Kneegroe - never wanted to be your friend. Even if I want sef, I don't have cah-pah-bility because.."
and when he temporarily broke up with Mrs. Plan A - guess who was encouraging him to get back with Mrs. Plan A? That reverse psychology BACK FIYA shapaly shapaply-they are in la-la land of lush love today and I'm in the arid desert of singlehood looking for cactus-my 2 cents!

Real8 said...

...and even if a man doesnt have plan b while with plan A. as soon as there is fire on the mountain he without hesistation starts looking for another basket sharperly so that he can transfer and relocate with swiftness and dexterity.

stop by @ mine and please show some love.

Anonymous said...

Nice Anon: Gbamations chapter 12 verse 12! That is really all there is to it.

I think what really infuriates is how people think it is okay to be mediocre. I mean finding a man who can actually speak and write well is so difficult. When I say this some men get defensive like "where are you meeting these men?" I haven't gone to Mars to meet them. I'm talking about you, your siblings, the buddies you play ball with, your uncles etc. They aren't a special breed of men. They're people you know and possibly you Mister. Let's not talk about having a bit of culture or worst being open minded enough to know and understand that because people say the ideal woman should do this doesn't mean you as an individual shouldn't define and personalize what that means to you. I see so many women here practically raising children alone meanwhile she's married . She'll pay the mortgage, feed the kids, clean the house, running around doing it all whilst her husband is feeding her pipe dreams or worst yet working at a mediocre job without any ambition to better himself. Marriage in itself isn't a bed of roses. No one knows what hand they're gonna be dealt with in it so pardon me if I'm extremely skeptical of anything that reeks of mediocrity. If I'm gonna go into it then I'd like to make sure that I've at least got the right cards for me.

They don't make the men like they used to. Another thing that annoys me to bits is how people are to quick to label you an angry woman when you speak out or call men out on their bullshit. Sometimes I look back and I think won't I just be finished if I paid attention to all the lies and consolation prices I've received within the past 2 years? A woman has to look out for herself otherwise you are finished! A man will tag you along as long as you're willing to get tagged. It isn't difficult for me to "boy BYE" a dude. I mean I think that's the easiest thing to do even. If you aren't on the same page with a man.. next! Even if he's got the qualities you're looking for. Also, people are quick to say oh you're young now wait until you clock 30. If anything I feel 100% strongly about my convictions now than I did at 25. No my eggs aren't gonna finish and I haven't the desire to have babes before I'm too old. If I meet the right guy then surely God will bless us with children. All those you're not getting any younger talk is plain rubbish.

At the end of the day, I strongly believe that we all get what we want. The thing is however whether we're gonna be happy with it in the long run or not.

Fin!

Chic Therapy said...

Can I get an amen!!!!When it comes to guys the best thing is to be yourself.If you like go to the sky and pluck the stars for him, if you are not his Plan A , he will throw you away like a piece of rubbish.

aeedeeaee said...

"Nice Anony: It isn't difficult for me to "boy BYE" a dude. I mean I think that's the easiest thing to do even."

You ain't never lied babe! It seems that's what I know how to do best sef :(

However, It's better to end than mend....or worse still, get gargantuan consolation prizes uggh!

Anonymous said...

PREACH

One3snapshot! said...

this is some complex stuff o. Wetin woman go do!!

MPB said...

I throw in my own offering as well lol. You and your hot posts eh....just be keeping us wanting. I must say something though, guys may be able to keep their options open, but i don't admire that...it's too much work for me, to be balancing people. What will be will be, we just do our best to be careful with who we share our hearts with.

Ginger said...

Woman after my heart!! It took me a few long sad days to get to these your conclusions, and now that i have discovered this great wisdom saying 'goodbye and have a nice life' to time wasters has never been easier.

Abeg preach on!!

isha said...

Preach it sister. Unfortunately, men are able to get away with this kain sumtin because so many women don't call them out on their BS. They're just 'happy to be out of the league of single gals crying to be doubled'.

What don't kill you makes you stronger...