Tuesday, November 29, 2016

How to Meet a Man 101: Slide up in his DMs

I have this male friend who has the best intentions in offering suggestions to get me snatched up and off the dating market. Some of his "award winning" advice that I have gotten in the past included tidbits like "Wear more bodycon dresses and form fitting stuff so that men can see your shape, you know we are visual creatures", "Attend more events and don't worry about the other women who may be your competition, package yourself well and present yourself like a winner", "Switch up your hair and style often, keep men guessing" etc etc. I have received all of his advice with nothing but amusement as I generally find them quite hilarious. Like bro I know you mean well but nope, nope, nope.

Now recently in a bid to get me married off soon so that he can come and turn-up at my 2017 wedding (Please don't forget to use the hashtag #Mgbekeandthemanyettobelocated2017), my dear friend has suggested that I broaden my horizon and look into social media as a tool for meeting men. In fact, to quote him directly... "Try some of these social media ways, people seem to be connecting through those mediums these days. You just have to diversify your portfolio and adapt to the new ways of finding niggas". Oooh but I had a very good response for him, because if anyone is looking for a diversified social media presence (or absence), I think I have my bases covered: 
  •  There's a Facebook account that I log into every 2 months or so to do my amebo and bounce.
  • There's a Twitter account that has lain kinda dormant in the recent past but I'm doing much better now (I think)
  • There's a Pinterest that I don't check
  • There's an abandoned Tumblr
  • I don't have a real IG account. But I be knowing.
So I laid out my "impressive" presence on social media, and said "I am on social media but I still haven't gotten chose so your point exactly?" and the rest of the conversation went like this: 

My friend (henceforth referred to as Him): Facebook is old news. Instagram is the place to be.
Me: Udonmeanit. How so?
Him: With an active IG account, you can make headway in meeting somebody. But you also have to get out of your comfort zone and message guys too.
Me: Wait, what? Like you want me to slide up in random nig's DMs?
Him: Yeah, what's wrong with that? Isn't that how Nkechi found her new man?
Me: Oookay. Not happening bruv. I'm not that thirsty.
Him: You are approaching this the wrong way. Messaging doesnt mean you are desperate. It's just a conversation starter and you can access the person from there.
Me: Abeg this your advice get as e be o.
Him: Na just simple conversation starter. Keep it light and see if it grows.
Me: I'm just cracking up over here at this ridiculous advice. Message ko, message ni.
Him: Don't dismiss it. You gotta get outside your comfort zone and do something different.
Me: Don't hold your breath on this one.

(End of conversation).
And in my usual fashion, I was nothing short of amused. Like Hollup! Did this man just advise me to go start DM'ing random nigs from out of nowhere? Choi, this is what happens when you are 33 and don't have no prospects in sight. Good Lawdt! 
Guys just imagine scenario naaa...one fine boy will post a picture of clear blue skies and I will creep up in the DMs like "lovely blue sky innit?". Is it from there that we will launch our forever after because ham so confuse. Real hilarity y'all. 
But I also found it extra amusing that the advice had shifted from "attending events" to "using social media" to meet men. What is next? "Go to the village in Nigeria and find you an Okonkwo?" I'm sure this one is coming next because these days everything is fair game.

The conversation with my friend also had me thinking about how a lot of us offer the default advice about meeting men in the typical places - weddings, parties, online but hey, they exist in other random places too. I met my ex on the train - my normal commute to and from work. I met another guy that I dated in a parking lot - an unexpected meeting place. I met one other guy that I dated at a festival, to be more specific, while waiting in the suya line, etc etc. Dudes can be located anywhere but the weddings, events, and now the DMs are the more obvious choices for suggestion (which to some extent makes sense I guess).  
Anyway sha, advice on attending more weddings and events I can stomach. DMs is a "boy you tripping" and like I told my friend...DM ko, DM ni. Abeg that one pass my power o.

And that is all she said.

3 comments:

neuyogi said...

LMAO! "lovely blue sky innit?" *dead*

Beulah! said...

Hheheheheeeee hilariious!!... He should start by introducing you to his single friends joor, abi he doesn't have any?. Lekwa, asking you to go toast man, abeg ooo. LOLLLL @ 'lovely blue sky innit?'

ALways love your posts

Deep Soul said...

"Lovely blue sky innit?" Kill me already! Lmao