Wednesday, February 1, 2012

On Being too Picky, Settling etc etc…

The other day, my mom and I were discussing an eligible bro who was ready to get married and identified my sister as the one for him. Unfortunately for him, my sister wasn't feeling his ringtone. It was a bit of a dilemma for her because she said that while he looked absolutely amazing on paper and seemed like he would make a good husband, good father etc etc, she just didn't feel that connection with him. I said you know what sis? There is absolutely nothing that is doing you. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and you want to at least be excited about whoever you choose to spend the rest of your life with...Right? Right.
Sooo, as I dey yarn…me and momsie were discussing this matter and my mom just couldn’t understand why my sister would let a grounded and eligible bro like that pass her by. In an effort to do voltron force, I said “Mommy abeg, she’s not feeling the dude naa so allow her”…Omooo, momsi just vex! In a rare outburst of frustration, she said “Ehn, you and your sister are so picky, always talking about connections and compatibility…if you guys do not take care, both of you will be left on the shelf”. I had the O.O expression on my face, then I was like whaaat? and I burst into a fit of laughter. I mean, it was quite funny actually...like say what now?? After I laff finish, I was like “Ah ahnn, Mommyyyy”. But she was on a roll…
She now proceeded to give me the following examples:
Do you think that Uncle A was this well dressed and polished when Aunty B met him? Nooo, she polished him and molded him”.
Do you think that Uncle X was this accomplished when he met Aunty Y?”
Etc etc.

She rounded off by stating that my sister dearest and I are always going on and on about this connection thing, or saying that a guy is too this and too that but you can grow to love your husband in a marriage.
I mean, that day my mama show me say this matter wey her daughters never marry dey seriously chook am. Ya know, I ain’t even mad at her. She has spent too much money on other people’s asoebi and it’s about time that folks kwa come and spend money on her own asoebi. The Lord is on the throne.

But…
Dag. Can I at least want what I want, and not want to settle without folks thinking that I’m being too picky? I’m not stuck in a bubble where I think that everything that I say or do cannot be challenged. I know what it means to be too picky and I don’t consider myself to be unreasonable with it. I mean…I would love my dude to come pre-packaged and ready made to fit a good portion of the elements that I’m looking for. Like why do I have to be the one to polish and mold him? As you see me so, I’m a constant work in progress and I’m not waiting for superman to swoop in and upgrade me. Na me wey go upgrade myself. So, if I meet a guy who I feel isn’t up to what I would like then no, it’s not my game plan to “just go with it and try to change him to fit my ideal over the course of time”. Sorry momma.

Settling
I read a very interesting blogpost the other day that made me think. Long story short, a bride is walking down the aisle soon and she feels no butterflies or extreme excitement for her groom. But she knows that he’s a wonderful man, and will make a good husband etc etc (I paraphrase).
After I was done reading, I asked myself…would I want to do this/would I do this? And as of today, my answer is no. For me, having a connection/spark/butterflies/excitement is so necessary. I need to be excited about my significant other, I need to have a great connection with him and I need him to stimulate me in every single way. I have never been in love or loved, but I absolutely know that I want to be in love and love whoever I decide to spend the rest of my life with. I do not want to just marry whoever because he looks good on paper and hope that he will grow on me as time goes by or hope that I grow to love him. What if he doesn’t? What if I don't? Will I now spend the rest of my life wondering "what if I had waited to see what else was out there?"....
Now I realize that friendship is key because ultimately you need to be with someone who is your friend, and so I want a man who will be my friend, and all of the above and more sef...I get open eye na :D

I’m not even game for that “let a man grow on you” mentality. I’ve done it once…dude was really sweet and we had good convo, and so even though I knew that I didn’t feel any kind of spark/excitement for him, I was like hey let’s give it a shot and maybe he will grow on me. It never happened and along the course of the relationship, he was way more into me than I was into him. I mean, he made a great boyfriend and I will recommend him to anybody…but it was just not for me.
Yep...I'm not trying to be about that "I can grow to love him" life. Like I always say...the world will question your decisions and offer their opinions i.e. My mom telling us that we can grow to love our husbands in marriage, but ultimately when I marry the man, it's just gonna be both of us. My mom ain't going follow me into my marital home and follow me as I try to love my husband sooo....
Now in terms of the person who wrote that post, I can’t say that she settled. Everyone has their own kini when it comes these matters and so I’m just speaking for myself and what I want.

What do you guys think? Are butterflies overrated? Is excitement overrated? What is settling to you? - Please excuse the JAMB questions. Hehehehe.

Aniwoos jare, it's the month of February but it's not too late to say Happy New Year abi? I really haven't had much to say in general and so I've just been chilling. Figured I would post this up while it's still fresh on my mind.
I hope y'all are all safe, sound and at peace.

We go relate.

37 comments:

taynement said...

we thank God that bullying works and you blogged. Yay.

Butterflies aren't overrated, maybe some grow to love but it's just not for me.

Mia said...

YAYAYAYA.

Having expressed my excitement at your return in that eloquent manner..

Settling is poo. I think it's yet another way we women let men off the hook. Like you said, we consider ourselves works in progress, always trying to make ourselves better. Oprah's entire fortune is built on women trying to be their best selves. When it comes to men though..we don't expect the same? Please. Why should we be doing the moulding and upgrading? Why can't they mould and upgrade themselves before looking for wife? Yes, love can grow, no one is perfect etc. But settling i.e. settling for someone you hope to change into what you want is, I think, a bad plan. You find the one who's right for you and if you end up polishing off his rough edges, that's a bonus. Marry a 'project' and watch yourself become miserable when he resists your 'suggestions'.

Sorry for long comment, "The Lord is on the throne" made me LMAO and I love your blog- blog more! x

mizchif said...

Do you know how excited i get when you pop-up on my reader?

Abeg you people should do let your mother share aso-ebi o! LMAO.

I've still not read this famous blog post about settling. All i shall say on the matter is to each his/her own.
Different people have different views or agendas when it comes to the whole marriage matter.

Personally i would like butterflies. I know they may not last forever but they'd be good to start with.
I've also never believed in changing human beings. Except it's a baby and it's his diaper you're talking about. If the pesin no come gree change nko? I don enter am be dat na.

Laurenta said...

Yay to butterflies
Thats all
i cant settle
i wont settle
ive had numerous opportunities to, but i refused
i have to be head over heels
im to mushy, too romantic, i believe in love too much to ever settle

Random One said...

Nne this 'you're too picky' yarns don taya me. Wtf is wrong with being picky sef...no be me and this person go dey together titi lai lai??

I think connection is absolutely important. I've tried the just collect number and talk cos 'you never know' but if e no dey, e no dey. Wetin woman go do? Abeg jare.

Do i sound frustrated?? lol i'm really not :D

Hey Mgbeks!! Happy New Yam ohh

Myne Whitman said...

Bees, birds or butterflies, something better be there, lol...

I blogged about this. There is settling as per adjusting unrealistic ideals, and then there's cutting off your emotions just to hook up. Maybe someone would say emotions are unrealistic ideals. Too each their own at the end of the day.

LadyNgo said...

This settling business, na wa oh. All i can say is just because someone is a good person and seems like the would make a good wife or husband does not mean they will be a good husband or wife FOR YOU. Nor does them being a good person mean you will grow to love them. But to each his own.

My goal: Find someone i love, who also loves me and then talk of marriage.

Mz.T said...

I read that post today and I honestly still don't know if I can do what she did or not. I think I know what settling is but I don't know if I would do it or not.

Everytime people talk about relationships and settling I always think of the wedding planner when her dad was telling her "Like grew to respect and respect grew to love". I mean, there are people who are now happy in what was initially arranged marriage.

But like I said. I don't know what I would do. We will cross that bridge if I'm still single at the point when I'm considered old cargo.

Sisteh, Happy Nu Yia to you too.

The experiences of an achiever....... said...

Mgbeks!! I been dey wait you mehn!! If you see how I rushed to read this post ehn! :D Happy New Year o!!

As for me, If I hear that you are too picky line one more time, I will SHOOT the darn messenger!! Man must to feel butterflies and sparks o!!

leggy said...

i personally think that butterflies are very overrated. granted, i'm young and i'm yet to see exactly what life has in store for me. but i'm a really, really practical person and seriously mgbeke, i'd choose a good, respectful man over someone who makes my heart flutter.
this doesn't mean that i don't want it all. i do. everyone does but to be realistic, not everyone will get it all. i do believe in loving someone down the lines, granted it does not always work for everyone and you might end up not loving that person.
but i'd take some one who is everything and who i can gist with and who is stable over butterflies any day. i don't think it's settling, i think it's being practical.

downtheaisle said...

Good to see u have updated(***look who is talking***)
on this settling issue,I think I am qualified to speak on dis with my marriage going to 3yrs(yes!yes!!).Butterflies might be overrated, and in marriage, d reality of the butterflies might gradually fade out not because u have grown out of love a whole lot of other things begin to compete for the butterflies and then I see maturity taking over a lot of "frivolities" that you may have enjoyed before marriage but one thing u cant deny in marriage is "Chemistry" and "Connection".As the years progress,the chemistry,d "tinkling effect" would always be there, and would keep you on, so dat's why I dont subscribe to settling jst because u r 21 or 31yrs old.That chemistry would keep you together not just as lovers but friends who can't live without each other.
You will not suddenly grow into love, if it was never there, what would most likely happen is you will be used to each other and just get by but the Love will be zero. the danger of this is that,any small challenge,you will have a reason to want to walk away from it all everytime.
Sex would be zero u know why,you would think if we have better sex we will be able to Love more but na lie,sex just becomes a physical exercise,committment would be zero, mutual respect would become labor.You will live together but grow apart...cos dere's never being any connection.
Marraige eventually becomes hardwork.
I always say it Marriage is not a life ambition!!!no one should be coerced into it. marriage is beautiful when its with the right person and Love is important,it might not be all you need, but it is important!
***I love my husband like crazy,butterflies like before might not be dere,we don grow up. but i still have all d mushy mushy feelings,wit every thought of him,at the sound of his voice,sitting next to him etc****

SAZI'STOPSECRET said...

i totally love this post...

sazistopsecret.blogspot.com

Toinlicious said...

Yay! she finally done did it. Happy new year and happy new month.
I'm feeling ur post jere. I knw Bees and butterflies might disappear after a while, the person u marry should @least "get" you.

jubekee said...

@downtheaisle,you are on point.personally i too think butterflies are overrated.i dated "butterflies" for years and now to married "friend" 6 years and counting.then again to each his own.

9jaFOODie said...

I have a very interesting take on marriage; if you can’t imagine yourself loving someone at their worst (Fat, wimpy,sad, e.t.c) then there is no reason marrying them. There is no reason to settle for someone you don’t ever like to begin with, it will only get worse as time goes by. Anayways.... life is long when spent when the wrong person

Ginger said...

I have had enough Bode's in my life to appreciate where she is coming from. I personally think butterflies are over-rated. Listen to the voice that gives you peace and happiness and hold that man tight.

Devil's Spawn said...

Oh girl I feel you no be small. I am all about the not settling, I mean, in my everyday life, I don't settle, so why should I settle when it comes to the man of my dreams? on the flipside why do parents feel the need to set you up based on what they feel you should have as opposed to what you need and want? I know their hearts are in the right place, but at the end of the day I am the one who will spend the rest of my days with this dude, so let me have the final say; abegi.

LE DYNAMIQUE PROFESSEUR said...

I'd still say the same thing I said over at Myne's... the excitement is necessary o. Attraction is very major! I mean, you dont want someone who is a turn off to be your wife or hubby. I have not been married but I think I know what I am saying here. lol

- LDP

Geebee said...

I honestly believe it is worth it being picky especially in the case of marriage. For crying out loud, this is someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with so why not ensure he/she meets all your criteria or at least a greater percentage of it. And yes, their ability to get you excited (butterflies and all) should really count just so you don't get bored before long. It's not worth it just 'settling'. Settle for the best you can get!
People, THE GEEBEE CHRONICLES is back. Catch up on the latest episodes.

janedoe83 said...

I always enjoy reading your blogs(both of them), I say u only live once,do it right,don't settle :)


http://foxynaijarianlady.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

As you get older I pray you come to realize that butterflies are indeed overrated. The modern western concept of love marriage is a very new concept that's barely a century old and only decades old in many places. Butterflies are nice but different social conditioning and family backgrounds affect who we are attracted to. I was historically attracted to bad boys who gave me butterflies but would definetely make playa, irresponsible husbands. Knowledgeable psychologists/ psychiatrists advice girls like me not to follow our hearts and passions into marriage but our heads. I married a good friend who initially didn't give me butterflies but loved me to pieces and is God fearing, hard workin, faithful, now very rich. We've been married 10 years and I really thank God. Think about it My dear unless u already naturally get attracted to good and upright men then I guess in your case u can wait for butterflies

Hyperfashun said...

Yay Mgbeks sugar! i always look forward to your posts.

I'm going to say this hun. It's good to have butterflies. But the truth about this life is that not everyone will meet some1 that gives them butterflies. It doesn't mean you are settling.

Me ehn i'm all for butterflies. However, mutual respect and some1 who gets you cannot be overlooked either. if it comes with butterflies then fine. Consider yourself extremely lucky.

I know an older relative who told me she's been married for 5 years but just started loving her husband last year. The shock i got from that revelation still has me kujad.

She says she's glad it happened that way. she told me about how the guy that gave her butterflies and who she wanted to marry then, also gave her buckets of tears. etc. at the end of the day she had to ask herself what was really important for the future.

its a crazy thing this whole love/dating/marriage. i think its better to go with that tiny voice. i hear its always right.

Jennifer Abayowa said...

Abeg butterflies are not overrated o. In addition to butterflies, marry your best friend. Because in marriage, your best friend might make you angry and it'll be easier to forgive him than when the person had no deeper connection in the first place, or if there were no butterflies. Imagine trying to forgive someone you purposefully settled for...that's sad and any woman would live to regret that. I love having butterflies!!!

Vera Ezimora said...

cBiko, who is this woman walking down the aisle? This is the 3rd blog I'm reading about her on, and I still have no clue who she is or where I can get the full gist.

Anyway, no, I don't think that excitement is overrated. I believe it is part of the package. One should not depend only on excitement or only on the "goodness" of the partner. Both are equally important, I believe.

And lol @ your mom. Sounds like my mom.

HoneyDame said...

I think butterflies are overrated...but attraction should not be underestimated. In fact, I tire for this matter of settling or no settling sef. I read the same post and asked the question on my blog. It is a very subjective term....

Abeg..let does who can settle settle. God bless the settlers and settlees!

JAY'S WIFE said...

butterflies are indeed overrated, you can grow to love someone, i felt nothing for my other half (maybe coz i had three other toasters at the time)but he grew on me and i saw him for the wonderful man that he is,and not only did i learn to love him but i fell in love with him as well. connections are important yes but get to knwo the man first don't write him off at first non-connection sight
@Leggy totally cosign!

Arike said...

Your post always puts a smile on my face. Each to their own o,as you said each to their kini!!
For those searching the post in question is http://temiville.wordpress.com/

Anonymous said...

So what are this qualities "oh picky one" (LOL), you expect from a bloke?

Just curious here.

I think it's interesting especially in the Nigerian context, that boy reaches a stage he feels he's ready for marriage, boy meets girl, within a short period of time, boy tell girl I wanna get married, girl becomes excited and says yes.....how about really, really, really getting to know the person, am I the only one here that thinks you gotta be in a relationship with a lady for at least three years before you pop the question?
Insane expectation of me? I don't think so.

My thing is, WHAT IS THE DAMN RUSH PEOPLE? I think we humans are good in hiding who we truly are, so let time show me if you and I are gonna go the full distance....Just my own musings I guess, pretty sure there are folks who are gonna think that I am completely nuts to wanna wait that long, but again, whats the damn rush?

Gentrified Bloke

Etoile Oye said...

Whether you settle or not, there is no guarantee of happiness. You will have to work hard at your relationship like everyone else. The hardwork may or may not be easier with 'that connection' as motivation.

One3snapshot! said...

This is soooo weird. So I usually find something else to do during commercial breaks while I'm watching hulu shows. One of those is reading your blog...

I was watching Happy Endings http://www.hulu.com/watch/320649/happy-endings-makin-changes#s-p1-so-i0

It's crazy coincidence. Same topic.

Lol maybe your mom has a point... *ducks*

-N

Nefertiti said...

Everything "Downtheaisle" said, is what I think.

Settling to me, is a position of desperation that forces you to enter a lifelong agreement with someone you wouldn't otherwise pick if some pressure wasn't applied (External or self Imposed). No one should ever settle. I think it's the worst thing you can do for yourself. I actually think I may have commented on a blog post that someone did a few yrs back, when folks were like butterflies are superficial, and you grow to love your SO. I say, try a lackluster marriage. Try seeing no excitement in the eyes of your significant other when they haven't seen you in a few hours. I have seen examples of old couples (40yrs plus) who are still together sans the excitement. I don't EVER want to be them!

My sisteh, leave story o! Tell momsie to allow your sister, abeg.

depuy hip recall class action said...

I thought the match-making thing is just a Chinese stuff. It will be hard for sure for children to decide if their parents is pressing them to marry a particular man the parents like.

OddNaijaChic said...

You read my mind spot on

Yes, I need the butterflies, tingling excitement, fireworks, sparks. else, it will be dull, boring and lifeless. who wants that in a marriage?

Why not come all upgraded and packaged coz I'm fixing myself too to be ohh-soo-purrfect? Do I still need to upgrade his Windows 98 to Windows 7? noooo..mbanu...

i'm rambling here..lemme stop..love your post..totally following you

You could check mine out at oddnaijachic.blogspot.com

Nutty J. said...

This whole marriage and relationship thing is beginning to get too hard to process and now when babe don dey old the pressure is becoming much with each passing month

I think butterflies and connections and sparks are important...my mum thinks he would grow on me when we marry

I beg I tire...

A.D said...

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Olufunke said...

Settling is a no no

Chemistry, good conversation and some butterflies has to be there. That's what God made 'them' for.lol


How have you been?

Chika Uwazie said...

I think you should always have some type of butterflies tingling for your hubbie. I want to be able to look at my husband 25 years down the road and still feel the same way I did when I walk down the aisle. I seen Naija babes marrying for money status or because he will make a "good" husband. Those things will fade and then what... anyways this is a good topic for discussion sha