Ok, I love my Naija peoples and all but dang, sometimes y'all need to be called out. Identify your sin, pray for forgiveness and cease and desist from giving into temptation next time.
1. They claim to not hang out with other Nigerians: You're new in town and you want to know where the Naija hangout spots be, so you ask the nearest Nigerian and they say 'I have no idea. I don't hang out with Nigerians in this city, they talk too much' blahblahblah.
I mean I can respect that but Nigerians, y'all gotta know that there are better ways to make your point i.e 'I really have no idea, I haven't really checked out the Naija social scene...'
Plus some people really be feeling themselves thinking that folk are talking about them. Here's what I always say: People will talk about you if you give them a reason to and no, comments from your 'haters' about your shoes or the forever21 dress you rocked to the party does not count as folk talking about you. I'm just saying...
Plus for the people who lived in Nigeria, what did you do then? Hide under a rock???
2. They claim to have an eclectic taste in music yet will be the first ones to say chit like 'I don't listen to rap/hiphop: Get the fork out of here with that foolishness and while you're at it, open your dictionary and look up the meaning of the word 'eclectic'. Listening to alternative/rock/pop/white folk music doesn't automatically mean that your taste is eclectic.
I mean why do some Nigerians be feeling extra cool with that kini though? It's like all of a sudden black folk music doesn't get you in the cool kids club. I've had a couple of people comment on my taste in music as being too 'urban' and I was really like WTF? I bet my last dollar that you won't run into a white person who came upon her friend listening to some Daughtry and say 'OMG Becky, your taste in music is soo white'.
3. Their damn jobs and career defines their very existence: I mean really, what is it with Nigerians and the pissing contest? I can't tell you how many events I've been to and I met a new individual and I can bet another dollar that within the first 5 minutes they wanna know what you do and where you work? Like damn homes, how that one take affect the price of fish in the market na?
Oh no, the convo could go like this:
Stranger: So what do you do?
Mgbeke: I'm a consultant
Stranger: Oh, so do you work for Booz, McKinsey, Deloitte, Accenture etc etc
Like what the fudge? What if I'm a friggin' consultant for McDonalds, ya know consulting with them on how tasty the fries are.
Mgbeke: No, actually I do consulting for a small non-profit organization.
Stranger: *Disinterested voice* Oh...
I know y'all feel me on this one.
4. They take this whole being 'different' thing to a whole new level: I mean, just check it. You go to the parties and see the men in all their foolishness wearing tight ass velvet blazers and sateen shirts. They trying to be different and failing miserably. Just wear your jeans and t-shirt and come have some fun.
Guys, you're toasting a chick and before you fit say 'Jack Robinson' she don told you of how she is atheist, vegetarian and not your average Nigerian chick. You know you feel me on this.
Kini big deal? If you really are 'different', you don't need to announce it. Your light will shine through.
5. They tell you to pray about everything/include religion in everything: 'I am so scared my husband is cheating on me'- Awww my sister, pray about it. God is in control.
'I think I bombed my MCATS'- Pele o. Pray about it.
Duhhhhhhhh. Don't tell me something I might not already know, but there's a reason I'm whining to you and it's not because I want you to tell me to pray about it.
And what is really hood with including religion in everything? A friend of mine once updated her FB status wondering about love and how it's complicated or something of that nature. I kid you not when I tell you that her status turned into this realllyyyyyy long thread where some chicks came in and told her to seek the love of God first before wondering about erotic love or whatever. *Blank stare*
6. Chicks be feeling extra cool about where they shop: Razz chicks indeed. When I first hit Yankee, e be laik say Express was the zone to shop. You'd hear chicks proudly boasting 'I only shop at Express', now e be like say e don turn into Bebe. Now na so so 'I only shop at Bebe, Arden B etc etc' and I just shake my head like see this bushinta. You dey carry Express and Bebe pose for the girl who is carrying her unmonogrammed Louis Vuitton bag and silently laughing at you.
7. They look down on your school and your major: Okoros and Mgbekes feeling funky because they went to Spelman/Morehouse and you went to Clark Atlanta. You proudly brag about your 4.0 GPA standing and they ask you what your major is, you say 'Early Childhood education' and they turn their noses up and tell you that when you can maintain a 4.0 in Electrical Engineering, come and open mouth.
*Ok I'm cracking up as I'm typing this one sha. LOL @ Early Childhood education, with our Naija parents ke...dem go say lai lai I aint finna spend thousands of dollars on tuition only for you study some cat damn early childhood education. LMAO. Make I no digress sha...
8. They remix their names: Rotimi= Tim. Peju= Paige. Seun- Shawn. 'Nuff said.
9. Individuals who never even siddon Yankee for 3 months don suddenly acquire Americana accent. Can I just say that it's even worse with the Jand folk? Nna ehn, you no fit talk anything to Jand folk o. I can't think of anyone I know in that Jand area wey no get Jandon accent, just dey yarn like say hot yam dey their throat. Peeps wey never settle on top Jand for even 2 weeks go dey talk 'Is it', 'Yeah', 'I fancy you'. LMAO...Infact ehn, Jand folk imma do a blog entry dedicated to y'all 'cos y'all amuse the heck out of me. Abeg no take am personal o. :D
But yah, wazzup with the sudden acquisition of an accent tho? At least Jand folk fit do am...I hear say everybody for Lagos get british accent including those wey never even cross River Naija talkess of coughing within 5 miles of an airport but you know say you no fit pull off Yankee accent any and any how. Na in peeps go dey mix Yankee accents with their Igbotic/Yorubatic accents and ultimately end up sounding like a bunch of clowns!
10. They turn their noses up at Pidgin english and act like it's razz to speak it: I go take this one personally o! In case you haven't noticed, I tend to mix pidjin english into my posts. As a Port Harcourt born and bred babe, I suppose dey blow am well well na. I'm not that fluent in my native language but I am pretty fluent in pidgin so I still claim to be bi-lingual. :-p
I have some friends with whom I pretty much interact with in mainly pidgin, so yes you might overhear us kiki-ing it up and turn your noses up and just for that, you have sinned. Ha!
Here's my take: There's a time and place for everything including speaking your language. I don't talk about you nacking Igbo in the middle of Walmart so abeg allow me yarn my yarn in peace and not pieces o jare.
....It's past my bedtime but I know there is more. Feel free to tell me yours.
Disclaimer #1: Not applicable to all Nigerians of course.
Disclaimer #2: Not neccesarily applicable to strictly Nigerians sef, but hey I had to look for a scape goat. :-)