I know, I know…it seems that everyone has been on this topic of being single, can you be single and satisfied, can you be single and happy etc etc. Vera had a talk show on it last Saturday, Tigeress blogged about it, Uchenna blogged about it, Reverence blogged about it.And for me, it’s not just a topic that I’ve been stumbling across on blogsville. A bunch of people around me have also been discussing the dynamics of the single life and what you have it. In fact, I actually went to the RCCG Young Adults & Singles Convention which was held in Baltimore last weekend and the lovely Michelle McKinney Hammond had a 2 hour session which was focused on the topic of being ‘single and satisfied’.
Side note:- I used to have this huge complex about conventions, fellowships and any event which had the word ‘single’ attached to it. I felt like to the outside eye, it would appear that we the attendees were desperate individuals going and hoping to make a love connection with other singles when it really wasn’t the case (well for me sha). However, someone pointed out to me that for such events, singles actually applies to anyone who isn’t married so relationship or not, you are single. T or F?I was also pleased to note that during this convention, a bunch of the speakers reiterated that the essence of it all wasn’t for people to come and look for husband/wife but for the singles to empower and continue to work on themselves. [/End side note]
So, as I was saying…Michelle McKinney Hammond spoke on why we should be single and satisfied. Ha! I know that is like Greek to some of us. ‘Single and satisfied ke? How is that even possible?’…I hear some of y’all asking yourselves.Ms. McKinney Hammond is 52 years old, very much single (never married and not dating anyone) and seems to be very content. She is a well known speaker and author...(check out her books at your local library or Amazon) who travels around the world giving speeches and urging us singles to focus on loving ourselves before we even start looking for someone to love us. I definitely enjoyed her speech and found myself agreeing with a whole bunch of things that she said.
As a ‘professional single’ (self proclaimed, thank you very much)…I find it very amusing yet saddening when people liken this whole business of being single to some kind of rare disease that no one wants to contract. Women remain in relationships that cause them plenty sleepless nights saying things like…‘Please o, let me stick to this man that I have as opposed to being single’.
I mean, ladies true talk…the outlook out here for single girls isn’t what it used to be and I realize that we are getting older but seriously? The man will even give her HIV and she will stick it out on the premises of… ‘I’d rather not be single’. Folk that have been in stagnant relationships that expired 10 years ago still carry on because they are scared to come back into the single gals market… ‘I don’t know where the next toaster is going to come from’, ‘If I leave this man, what if I never find another…’, ‘We have dated for 5 years, I am now 30 and my time is running out…I don’t wanna be single at 30’ etc etc. Even men sef now use the business of being single as the latest yab in town. When you talk one, they will tell you to ‘sharrap, you are not ashamed…your mates are married and you are here doing nonsense’. I no fit shout again! I won’t even go into how unmarried women seem to get no respect in Nigeria. I mean, it seems that the ultimate status symbol is having a nice big rock on your finger around those parts. No be small thing, my people.
But it’s all gravy. I can’t even knock anyone who can’t get with the concept of it being just ‘me, myself and I’ or who feels pressured by society (esp. those meddling relatives) because I used to be the kind of girl who would spend hours bemoaning the single status and wondering why all my friends were boo’ed up and I wasn’t. I would listen to my friends and their oppressive gist of vals day pampering, romantic dates and wonder when my turn was coming. I too, used to go to events in the hopes and anticipation that I would go home with at least one number and I too, used to get extra excited when any dude approached me because ‘hey! It just might be him’. Hmmm and now that I think about it, I certainly remember not kicking one foolish guy to the curb because it felt nice to have a 'someone'. Yelz o! I aint ashamed to admit it…with age comes wisdom and I didn’t become a wise woman overnight. :-)
But seriously though, like a lot of other things in my life…I slowly snapped out of that whole mentality that to be single wasn’t the business at all and I actually started enjoying ‘Me, myself and I’ and I still am enjoying it. A good number of my friends are either booed up or talking to potential dudes and I can honestly tell y’all that e no ‘consain’ me at all if them dey plural and I dey singular. As I mentioned in a previous post about happiness, I’m good yo! I’m content, I’m in a really good and happy place right now and the lack of a significant other hasn’t even crossed my mind in an effort to put a damper on my peace of mind and contentment. I dress up and go to events and my mentality on meeting dudes at these things has even turned into a one big ‘WHATEVS'…no be this area again? LOL. Make I no tok too much tori for hia but in general, I am quite amazed when people tell ME that I can not be single and happy or single and satisfied. I mean, the heck you on about? When did you turn into me that you can now decide how I choose to feel about a situation? I mean, if YOU can not be single and satisfied then na your wahala be that o. I sure as heck aint tell you what you can and can not do so free me abeg.
On some final notes…so yeah for a whole bunch of people it is hard to adjust to the concept of just you in your singular state esp. if you are so used to the idea of a ‘someone’ around you all the time but yes we can! Ms. McKinney Hammond said that before you start looking for a someone, you need to be WHOLE…a 100% individual and not a 50% chick looking for a man to complete your other 50%. A man should not complete you, he should complement you my sisters. I encourage y’all to work on getting to the ‘single and satisfied’ phase of life where you learn to completely love, enjoy and appreciate the idea of you as a solo individual and I'm very sure that if a man comes along, he will come across a self assured woman who knows that she wants him but doesn’t need him for her happiness, a self assured woman who will not hop on the next thing smoking down the aisle even if she saw warning signs from day 1 just because she feels that her time is running out. And if the man doesn’t come (because, life is not a fairytale), at least you won’t spend an entire lifetime crying and staying depressed about it because true talk, marriage/companionship will not happen for all of us...c'est la vie!