Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The battle within...

Like most other people in this world, there are 2 people within me fighting to get out and shine their light to the world.
One of them is the perpetual sinner who just wants to have fun, fun, FUN.
The other one is the good christian girl.

Most times, the perpetual sinner wins. She takes long leave of absences from church, and in general lives her life in a manner that goes against everything that God wants.
Other times, the good christian girl wins. In fact you know what? I can't even say that she wins...she wants to win and she almost always makes it till perpetual sinner catwalks in and steals the show. Back to square one baby!

Sooo these days, that good christian girl within has been pushing to get out. You see, somehow in my heart of hearts I know that is who I ultimately want to be, but then I get lazy/other things seem more appealing/I dunno...*shrugs*
I took another mini hiatus from church. Well this one wasn't planned, I really was out of town some weekends and just plain tired after going out on Saturday night and hitting the sack at 5am on Sunday morning the other weekends. (See the perpetual sinner's influence?). I finally made it back to church post hiatus and man o man, I was thinking 'why haven't I been coming sef?'. I felt like the message was what I needed to hear, and check this...somewhere in between it all, I felt some kind of inner peace creeping up on me and just lifting all my burdens of the last couple of weeks off my shoulders, and I felt so overwhelmed by it all that I, the Original Mgbeke of the dry tear ducts actually cried. Whaaaat? I never cry for since when did I start crying in church. I quickly attributed it to PMS sha and I'm sticking to that story. :o

But on the reals, I constantly wonder why I take mini-hiatuses from church because most times that I go, I love it. I do love my church and I enjoy praising, worshipping and generally being in God's presence. Left to me, I'd be in church everyday sef just to get that spiritual refreshment that will energize me and keep me going for the rest of the day. I don't know how to explain it jare...
I know some people might read this and think of the times they spotted me downing 4 shots of patron and scoff at everything that I've written so far, but I'm being serious here.

I mean for instance, I've always toyed with the idea that one day in my future I will end up being a deaconess at someones church.
At my current church, when they made the announcement that people interested in 'workers training' (training to be a church worker) should sign up after church, I actually considered it for a good minute. I thought, 'hmmm I would like to be an usher actually...' and then the Perpetual sinner within popped up...'Yeah right! You as usher? Psssh you ain't ready...' and true talk, I didn't feel ready.

I understand that you don't have to be Jesus Christ to work in church, in fact a lot of people sign up to work in the church as a means of strengthening their spiritual lives by praying with and being around people with similar interests but I've alreadys felt that people who work in the church are pretty much representatives of the church and so if you the church usher/protocol (I go to RCCG) is spotted up in the club dry humping some chick, how am I supposed to view you and what you are trying to represent? I don't know that you are a 'struggling' christian. To my outsiders eyes, you are Amina who works at X church grinding it up on Saturday night and jumping and waving in worship bright and early on Sunday morning. But that's just my very black and white POV...and this is besides the point o jare. The main the main matter be say, I no ready to be shush worker.

However, good christian girl is kinda sorta ahead of the game right now. Imagine, I went to the library a couple of days ago and as opposed to my usual chick lit...OK make I no lie. I mean, in addition to my usual chick lit, I got a whole bunch of christian literature. In fact the person checking out my books might have thought I was bipolar if he had paid close attention to my selection. 'The lady, her lover, and her lord' and the next one was 'Home wrecker'. Ha Ha!

I'm starting to ramble...I don't know what I'm trying to say here.

I don't know how long this will last, or when perpetual sinner will attempt to steal the show again but for now, I am enjoying this...
Whatever it is....


*For Zena: Apart from the Christian Lit, I got 3 Jodi Picoult books...' Change of heart' (This is REALLY good, didn't finish it the last time so I got it again) 'Mercy' and 'Keeping Faith'.
'Love the one you're with'- Emily Giffin
'Homewrecker'- Dwayne S Joseph


naija shawty said...

first baby

naija shawty said...

u shud say no to the devil at all times, it is difficult but not impossible. in additon, dont compromise ur stance as an usher if u're not sure that u can sacrifice ur humping in clubs. 1 sin makes one a sinner.

Danny Bagucci said...

I'm probably not the best person to coment on this cos I gats me own spiritual struggles.... Read in Proverbs today that a righteous man falls seven times but rises again.. maybe the key is to keep letting good girl triumph? Dunno....

My World said...

I know what you mean,chica,but sum1 we survive and let the good side out..

Naked soul said...

i totally relate to this post. I need to bring out my inner christian girl. I once answered the call to join the workers but never turned up for the meeting. Lord help me...

BSNC said...

the good christian girl will come out openly when she is ready..

lol if i was the one checking out your books, i would be like umm okay ...

mizchif said...

I know what you mean about the inner peace that comes with being in church, oh and the crying part too......hmmm, i think i'll adopt ur PMS story.

Unlike you though, i can't miss a sunday srvice, no matter what happens on sat night, i must be in church by 8am, Sometimes i feel like a hypocrite, but then i the way i see it, we all fall short of the glory of God and staying away from his presence would not neccessarily bring me any closer, plus nothing beats the peace and serenity of the church atmosphere (for me sha)

SouLBoutiQue said...

You know I always think this, but we as christians always struggle with what is right and what is wrong, in what we do as humans. It is good to accept that we are sinners and work on getting to a place were we sin less and are more aware of when we are doing wrong. I believe that we often times are desenstized.

Good post. I think you are more of a christian girl than you know...*know*

Kate said...

Lol...@ trynna change "in addition to" to "instead of"...
Yeah men, i feel you. It's not always easy to be a good christian even though the spirit is willing. Damn weak flesh! :(

Kemberly said...

Original Mgbeke!!! GO BACK TO CHURCH!!!! LOL! Ok, who am I to talk... I haven't been in a while either, I'm on my hiatus as well :(. Sometimes, I miss being home in Naij, because my Mom is the spiritual rock of our house and we never missed church! Not even when we would go home and try to sleep thru Sunday morning, blaming it on "jet lag"... Omo, my Mom would come in with a bowl of water...I don't need to say anymore!

downtheaisle said...

lol @ 'The lady, her lover, and her lord' and 'Home wrecker'.it takes a lot of God's grace, "It is him that causes you to will and do of his good pleasure". Let his grace help you to being dat good christian girl u desire.(I sound like a preacher now!)

Shubby Doo said...

the struggle is part of this life...we aint perfect, we aint saints but we are his children and he loves us nonetheless...for me the most important thing to keep seeking a relationship with him everyday

i read Jodi Picoult book called 'my sister's keeper' and i was moved to tears

Original Mgbeke said...

Naijashawty: I dey try my sister, I dey try. Na why I tok say I no dey ready to be usher o, even though some people might argue that I should have gone for it as a way of building me up.

Danny B: I need to realize that no one is perfect and that i can carry my imperfections to God. I am working on this..'we fall down but we get up'

Myworld: Yes o. May the good side continue to triumph. Thanks!

Nakedsoul: lol. At least you got that far, oh and I thought about it like am I really ready to make this committment, wake up early every sunday morn, possibly attend some weekly meetings? I need to fully feel ready before I take such a step.

BSNC: May she come soon. :-)...LOL, I bet you would have.

Mizchif: You're better than me in that aspect. My approach to church used to be like what is the point? I'm not a born again so why am I even going sef? But I totally feel you, that peace and serenity is soo worth it.

Ag: Thanks missy. Yep, at this point I am definitely more conscious of rights and wrongs and I do make an effort sometimes to get to that place of sinning less, and then it's back to square one. Gotta keep on truckin'!

Kate: Thanks God for GOD. He is not like our earthly fathers who will whoop our asses if we keep on messing up, he is a mercifun God indeed for we will fall 7 times as Danny B said, and he will still be accepting of us. Ewoooo, see me preaching.

Kem Kem: LOL @ your mom and a bowl of water. Everytime my mom comes to visit, I always make sure I go to shush 'else she will nag me well well. Mothers are funny, and we will grow up and probably be the spiritual rocks of our own future homes.

Downtheaisle: Grace indeed. God's grace is definitely key. Everytime I pray, I ask for grace. I no mind you preachers o, that's why I appreciate the likes of Rita, WriteFreak, JustDoyin etc etc

Shubby: I hear you! I think that sometimes when Perpetual Sinner takes the lead, I just feel like 'what is the point of even trying to seek a relationship?'...*sigh*. This thing no easy sha.
As per my sister's keeper, I was standing at the library and a girl recommended it but e no dey, I will look out for it next time.

kmplx said...

you are not aloooooone!
sorry about not telling you about the other blog. i thought i emailed it when i sent link to original party rider... anyhoos, welcome.
back to the real reason i am here, i contemplate going back every sunday morning, and i cry during praise and worship everytime i go back (when my mom is in town and i have to take her) because i realise how shyte i am. and then fall asleep through the sermon - the pastors voice is just so hypnotic jare. anyways it's always in my prayers... we will persevere.

justdoyin said...

PMS ko, PMS ni! u know in ur knower that u cried bcos HE touched u, in a way u have neva been, AND u experienced divine joy n peace...

lol@perpetual sinner catwalking in...u gats 2 tell her to catwalk right back out...

But seriously, I think where u r @ is a good way 2 start, in d sense that u do recognise ur need 4 Him, n sincerely desire to be closer 2 Him...with time, prayers, consistent Church going, etc. u'd find it much easier to let good christian girl take control...

@ Mizchif; pls don't feel like a hypocrite...keep going to Church...with time, He'll draw u closer 2 Himself...

All d best girls...

olu said...

I understand ppls reluctance to attend church these days - or so I think. The church seems to constantly contradict itself - and my views. But I still dey attend once in a while. Easy.

olu said...

I understand ppls reluctance to attend church these days - or so I think. The church seems to constantly contradict itself - and my views. But I still dey attend once in a while. Easy.

Repressed One said...

My dear, you're are most def not alone. My own is that i go but usually feel like i'm going thru the motions...and that just brings all kinds of guilt.

Well, let the GCG have her time...hopefully she'll hang around long enough to have an effect on PS lol

"Change of heart" that book but the end had me confused.

Nice Anon said...

I have been thinking about this lately. Right now, I'm working on my relationship with God. I want it to be stronger and better. I think the thought of us as human beings going to hell for "eternity" is something that really really scares me! Hell is not my portion Amen!

Imagine being there with the likes of Jeffery Dahmer, Hitler and the rest. I'm not that bad of a human being abeg!lol

Original Mgbeke said...

Kmplx: LOL @ your falling sleep during the sermon. That's hilarious, well as long as you acknowledge and you are trying to be a better person. Continue to pray about it.

JustDoyin: LOL, allow me and my tori na. But yes, this is a good thing indeed, acknowledging where I would eventually like to be. Na only by God's grace...

Olu: No wahala o jare, to each his own.

Repressedone: Thanks ooo. I hear ya on going through the motions, do what works for you, and if churching every sunday doesn't leave you fulfilled then ah well. Let's see if the GCG will stick around. Ok I will finish this Change of Heart and let you know what i thought.

Nice Anon: LMAO, no be small the likes of hitler. That cracked me up! Well g'luck trying to build on your faith. God dey!

Smaragd said...

i've been more of a "good girl" and now? the perpetual sinner just wants to come out to play. it's sooo hard resisting! this is why i do not encourage late blooming, i should've done many of the things i want to do now years ago! and settle down now to a "been there, done that" peaceful life! mchew

what all this long story means is that i totally feel u jare Mgbeks.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

I think we all have those two voices in our head...the struggle is real but for as many times as we fall, we gotta get back up again...Lord knows I've hit the ground wayyyyyy to many times.
I think God sees the heart though...and you may just be a deaconness in the making:-)

Anonymous said...

I recently read love the one you're with and love it!

faB!! said...

Sometimes, when I just read your blog its just like u r writing about my life. Coincidental, i know!!

I'd not been to church in a long time too.(since i got to school) I recently just went on Easter Sunday cos I wanted to have a new beginning. After the service, I felt so new. U can't imagine!! I came out of that church feeling like I'd accomplished something for the day.
And I cried too!! Cos I read this quote from the bulletin and it kinda just applied to my situation.

Well, to cut my story short, I went on Easter Sunday and the Sunday after Easter Sunday. I just feel happy, new and fulfilled plus this joy accompanied with it. Its just awesome. So, I just promised myself I'd keep going to church for the next four weeks I'd be in school which is very good decision I've made! :)

webround said...

you can get both chick lit and christian in one book. look for novels by francine rivers especially the 'mark of the lion' trilogy

re: engaged on air, divorced via text. have you heard of dump monkey? check it out here

Lilly said...

You will figure it out with time. I used to be like you and I used to skip church because I knew that the next Saturday, I'd be in the club getting my dance on or fantasizing about things I'd like to do with a guy. So, I would often skip church because I didn't want to feel like a hypocrite.

I used to always have the fear of being a "christian girl." I thought that meant I'd have to let go of most of my baffs and cut certain people out of my life. Be in church everyday of the week, and basically be perfect.

Now I know I was resisting committing to God because of fear. I was afraid of what people would think or say about me.

Anyway, I'm by no means perfect and I still have questions about certain things BUT I am very happy about where I am and I strive to be better still. I think what made it easier for me is that it was a gradual process. First I started going to church every Sunday, then I was not content with that anymore so I joined a fellowship, then I became a volunteer worker etc. As I got more involved and I met other people my age that were committed, it made it easier for me and I realized that I started to see things a little differently and some of my fears started to vanish.

I think a lot of people think that a person has to be perfect in church. That's not so. A person does not give their life to Christ and suddenly becomes perfect.It's a gradual process.

I'm rambling so I'll stop. Hope I made some sense.

Ms. Royal Reigns said...

I think everybody can relate to your post. For me, it's pretty much ALL THE TIME that I'm fighting with good vs bad/evil/perpetual sinner. But I am trying, though. For the past couple of weeks, I've been reading my Daily Bread. It feels so good. Refreshed. Just knowing that I had some one on one time with the Man upstairs just made my day that much better, y'know? I'm still trying to find a good church. I have 2 in mind. One is my local RCCG, too, and the other one is...daggit, can't remember. It's my sister's church. It's good. And that's all that matters. lol.

And you know what's weird, when I'm back home in Naija, I never miss a service. Okay, let me retract that statement: I can't miss a service due to me being called a pagan by various of relatives. lol. But I enjoy the forcefulness because I truly adore services at home (except when it's Xmas and it's like 5hrs and all they're doing is trying to jack some dough from the "jandons" & "foreigners" for their latest project which is the painting of the church which has been in progress for the past 10yrs. But I disgress). I'm getting homesick just thinking bout it.

Just take in one day at a time. It's not gonna come to you in one day, y'know. It's a step by step process. Also, pray bout it. ;o)

Gee said...

ahhhh I can relate to you o this o..
I have the two in me also...not a pretty state of mind I tell u...well im hopin on God to help sha.
Keep prayin sha..nd pray 4 me too!

LusciousRon said...

I can relate with this. I never force the issue, when I want to go worship, nothing stops me.

Original Mgbeke said...

Smaragd: LOL @ late bloomer. I hear you sha, well i hope Good girl will continue to maintain. If not, ah well...ah well.
Thanks missy!

NDQ: Thank youuu. When i become deaconess shey you go come visit my shush? Yes, God sees the heart and is a merciful God, for that I am thankful.

Anonymous: I never start am yet o. But I heard nothing but good reviews.

faB: Yay to that! I'm glad you felt renewed and re-energized. I hope that you keep with the resolution missy!

Webround: Thanks a bunshes for the rec. I will scoot over thia and checkirrout in a bit.

Lilly: You made a lot of sense, that is sooo me and the reason why i used to stay away from church. Na a gradual process indeed, I don't expect to fall head on into it and yup, we truly aren't perfect. Funny cos in shush today, they asked for Volunteers who are willing to work for the entire month of July while the church workers take a 'vacay'. I am still considering it...

Royal Reigns: You killing me with that jacking dough tori. Some truly funny ish! I can vouch for RCCG since I'm a member. I loves my RCCG...but thank you my sister. I need one of those daily bread kini too, it is truly refreshing for real. Will keep it all in prayer, thanks for the encouragement. :-)

Gee: No doubt, I will keep you in prayer as well. We all need am!

Luscious R: Thanks o! When you are moved to worship, you will worship. :-)

bob-ij said...

YO! I know what you mean! It kills me...sometimes I just feel too sleepy to wake up early and then I feel like crap! But I know the feeling you are talking about, it's like a lump of peace sipping into your heart!


Olufunke said...

Very funny, 'good christian girl' VS perpetual sinner.

Dearie, I feel you, a lot of people can relate to this, even Paul( in the bible) does, just that some people have made decisions to go all the way.

I agree with Just Doyin, you have started, God is taking over your heart, He is waiting for you to decide to give it all up and trust Him, (and that is the difficult part).
He wont ever force us
God would wait for ever if you stall or hesitate forever, he moves close when we decide to move close to Him.

Praying God would not let go of your hand, and that soon, you would come to a place where you are really ready to be 'the good christian girl ' He made you to be

ANd we all know that is only when you will have the kind of peace, wholeness and well being that your whole being craves for.

I hope I have not been like 'the preachers" :-)

Ada said...

I really feel you on this

Infact, Before I came to yankee, I was what you call spiro..and as the years went by, it kinda fizzled out or whenever I get up high it starts fluctuating..

yeah your not the only one who has been having overflowing tear ducts on sundays.. for some reason, the messages have been modeled just for me..smearing my

Original Mgbeke said...

Bob-Ij: I'm glad you feel me on this one. :-)

Olufunke: Thank you soo much. I definitely appreciate the message and found myself saying a quick amen at the end. No you didn't sound like the preachers at all, at all. Really 'preciate the comment. :-)

A.I: LOL, waterproof mascara baby! I used to be a Spiro back then o, fancy that. Anyway like everyone else has said, na sofri sofri my sister. God is with us.

Buttercup said...

i totally can relate..

i've been to church only once this year..gosh, talk about terribleness! i've not not been exactly wilding out and ish but i know my spiritual life has taken a working towards getting back up..

good luck to us!

Uchenna said...


this always seems to be my battle.

anwyas Gurl really at the end of the day, its u and GOD.

wat I do is talk to GOD, all the time, just talk to him and tell him everything..this actually helps me because then it surpresses the bad chick in me. like really.

and also I listen to Joel Osteen alot, I love how he breaks down GOD's message.. it saves me from the routine and doctrine-ness of established churches that say I should feel BAD cuz I don't go to church.

well thats my 2cents.

best of lucks!

Naija Babe said...

Your post made me smile...

It was perfect. Candid and heartfelt. And totally relatable.

So of course I had to respond nne...

First let me say I have been a closet fan for a had me at razz is the new cool! LOL!

Now into the meat of it all...
I don't know where you are in your walk, but may I share.

I like you was pretty much raised in the church and I made a personal decision to choose God when I was in my teens, then as I got older, into my twenties, like you other things began to compete for my attention and drew me away. I had one leg in and one leg out. I was just the same. I would go to church and sit there and wonder why it had been a month since my last visit especially when the word was so live and direct to my situation.

I want to encourage you to make a decision to be faithful about being in church and your walk. Yes, many churches are filled with "holy hoochies" but that is because though we are not of the world we are in the world and sometimes we find it hard to make the distinction, but that imperfection should not stop you from serving...we don't serve because we are perfect, we serve because we love God and in that He perfects us.

I wanted to tell you this, I mean its 3am and I am here writing this because I feel some urgency.

I think basically you are what can be known as a good basically even your bad girl typically has her limits. So you probably feel ok walking the line, just like a girl who is only a little bit overweight feels like she has a bit more room for error than the obese girl.

You don't have two selves. You have only one beautiful, amazing you. There are two major influences in this world. One is from God, the other from the devil. God wants to build you up, the devil wants to tear you down. Now any fool knows to avoid someone who point blank says I want to destroy you, so of course he doesn't do that. The most effective thing he does is to entice you away from church and fellowship with your "brethren". Why because when you are isolated you are easier to pull down.
And pull down is what happens. You start to slip up...I know, because it happened to me.

I started to slide very slowly down the slope. At first it was small compromises. I'll sleep in jo...I tire....then it was slightly bigger ones, and so on and so forth and then I found myself in places and situations I never could have imagined myself in, after all I was a good girl. I look back at those times and I cry...honestly because for every action there is a consequence and some things I am still paying for now...

And I was a good girl.

But thank God for God!

Going to a living church and hearing the word of God regularly is crucial. Its not for God, its for you. We need to hear and surround our selves with Him. The day you stop hearing from God, you start hearing the world and I tell you the world has some crazy things to offer in the way of wisdom but when you go down that path you find that they lied...there is no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow...

And though I have written way more than I planned to...I want to say hallelujah...because your post alone signifies a pulling in your spirit and if I may be so presumptuous, may I say, allow yourself to be pulled back home. There is peace when you come home.

When I went back home, like the prodigal son, God threw me a party...and though my life is completely in process...some days more than others and I can see the scars from the time before, I have true peace and joy and love...Now I don't say I am perfect...and I don't set myself up on any pedestal...This walk na one day at a time walk...The one thing I do is stay in fellowship...with people who are walking the same path...when I start to slow down or veer off track they remind me of the goal...and keep me focused. Any their loving words deafen me to the lies of the devil.

Just my heartfelt ramblings...
From one Mgbeke to another...

Be well.

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