Wednesday, February 1, 2012

On Being too Picky, Settling etc etc…

The other day, my mom and I were discussing an eligible bro who was ready to get married and identified my sister as the one for him. Unfortunately for him, my sister wasn't feeling his ringtone. It was a bit of a dilemma for her because she said that while he looked absolutely amazing on paper and seemed like he would make a good husband, good father etc etc, she just didn't feel that connection with him. I said you know what sis? There is absolutely nothing that is doing you. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and you want to at least be excited about whoever you choose to spend the rest of your life with...Right? Right.
Sooo, as I dey yarn…me and momsie were discussing this matter and my mom just couldn’t understand why my sister would let a grounded and eligible bro like that pass her by. In an effort to do voltron force, I said “Mommy abeg, she’s not feeling the dude naa so allow her”…Omooo, momsi just vex! In a rare outburst of frustration, she said “Ehn, you and your sister are so picky, always talking about connections and compatibility…if you guys do not take care, both of you will be left on the shelf”. I had the O.O expression on my face, then I was like whaaat? and I burst into a fit of laughter. I mean, it was quite funny say what now?? After I laff finish, I was like “Ah ahnn, Mommyyyy”. But she was on a roll…
She now proceeded to give me the following examples:
Do you think that Uncle A was this well dressed and polished when Aunty B met him? Nooo, she polished him and molded him”.
Do you think that Uncle X was this accomplished when he met Aunty Y?”
Etc etc.

She rounded off by stating that my sister dearest and I are always going on and on about this connection thing, or saying that a guy is too this and too that but you can grow to love your husband in a marriage.
I mean, that day my mama show me say this matter wey her daughters never marry dey seriously chook am. Ya know, I ain’t even mad at her. She has spent too much money on other people’s asoebi and it’s about time that folks kwa come and spend money on her own asoebi. The Lord is on the throne.

Dag. Can I at least want what I want, and not want to settle without folks thinking that I’m being too picky? I’m not stuck in a bubble where I think that everything that I say or do cannot be challenged. I know what it means to be too picky and I don’t consider myself to be unreasonable with it. I mean…I would love my dude to come pre-packaged and ready made to fit a good portion of the elements that I’m looking for. Like why do I have to be the one to polish and mold him? As you see me so, I’m a constant work in progress and I’m not waiting for superman to swoop in and upgrade me. Na me wey go upgrade myself. So, if I meet a guy who I feel isn’t up to what I would like then no, it’s not my game plan to “just go with it and try to change him to fit my ideal over the course of time”. Sorry momma.

I read a very interesting blogpost the other day that made me think. Long story short, a bride is walking down the aisle soon and she feels no butterflies or extreme excitement for her groom. But she knows that he’s a wonderful man, and will make a good husband etc etc (I paraphrase).
After I was done reading, I asked myself…would I want to do this/would I do this? And as of today, my answer is no. For me, having a connection/spark/butterflies/excitement is so necessary. I need to be excited about my significant other, I need to have a great connection with him and I need him to stimulate me in every single way. I have never been in love or loved, but I absolutely know that I want to be in love and love whoever I decide to spend the rest of my life with. I do not want to just marry whoever because he looks good on paper and hope that he will grow on me as time goes by or hope that I grow to love him. What if he doesn’t? What if I don't? Will I now spend the rest of my life wondering "what if I had waited to see what else was out there?"....
Now I realize that friendship is key because ultimately you need to be with someone who is your friend, and so I want a man who will be my friend, and all of the above and more sef...I get open eye na :D

I’m not even game for that “let a man grow on you” mentality. I’ve done it once…dude was really sweet and we had good convo, and so even though I knew that I didn’t feel any kind of spark/excitement for him, I was like hey let’s give it a shot and maybe he will grow on me. It never happened and along the course of the relationship, he was way more into me than I was into him. I mean, he made a great boyfriend and I will recommend him to anybody…but it was just not for me.
Yep...I'm not trying to be about that "I can grow to love him" life. Like I always say...the world will question your decisions and offer their opinions i.e. My mom telling us that we can grow to love our husbands in marriage, but ultimately when I marry the man, it's just gonna be both of us. My mom ain't going follow me into my marital home and follow me as I try to love my husband sooo....
Now in terms of the person who wrote that post, I can’t say that she settled. Everyone has their own kini when it comes these matters and so I’m just speaking for myself and what I want.

What do you guys think? Are butterflies overrated? Is excitement overrated? What is settling to you? - Please excuse the JAMB questions. Hehehehe.

Aniwoos jare, it's the month of February but it's not too late to say Happy New Year abi? I really haven't had much to say in general and so I've just been chilling. Figured I would post this up while it's still fresh on my mind.
I hope y'all are all safe, sound and at peace.

We go relate.