Wednesday, October 31, 2012

How Judgmental Are You?

I’m one of those people who always prides herself on how open minded and liberal I am in my views and general perception of the world. But in the recent days, I've realized that I am just as judgmental as they come. Granted, I don’t judge the typical things that most people judge but still...I do quite a bit of judging. In no particular order, here are a couple of things that I judge by default:

1. Grocery store purchases: As much as you might see me tweet about how I just wolfed down a bacon, egg and cheese on a croissant or a big ol’ burger and fries at McDonald's  I actually have a guilty conscience when I go grocery shopping and so I tend to fill my cart with all the right stuff i.e. Fruits, veggies, water, wheat bread and all the good and healthy stuff that the fitness magazines instruct you to purchase. This also gives me some sense of superiority and allows me to shamelessly judge innocent citizens of the grocery store, who fill their carts with the bad stuff like ice cream, processed foods, frozen dinners and candy. This is a serious case of living in a glass house and throwing stones ‘cos I am the world’s biggest junk food-a-holic but hey, who says that life has to be fair? So odds are that if I’m standing behind you in line at the cash register, I am analyzing your purchases and judging the heck out of you. You have been warned.

2. Ratchetness: Who doesn't judge ratchetness? Heck I’m sure that even ratchet people judge their fellow ratchet people. Allow me feel all superior and on top of my A game as I judge your multi-toned weave, blue contacts, claw-like acrylic nails, and every other thing that makes you ratchet.

3. Eyebrows: Someone on my Twitter timeline has tweeted this in the past: “You can tell how razz an individual is from her eyebrows” and I definitely cannot disagree. Ninety nine percent of the of the time, razz eyebrows = razz individual. Granted, razz is the new cool and things, but can I still judge? My friend used to upload daily BBM pics of his girlfriend with some catdamn maroon penciled in eyebrows and I used to low-key judge her. Thankfully she has gotten hip to the game and is no longer about that life. The Lord be praised.

4. Lazy asses: If you’re one of those cats who takes the elevator one floor up or down i.e. from the 10th floor to the 11th floor, I’m definitely judging your lazy azz.

5. People who wear Sunshades indoors/in the reception hall on their wedding day/at night: Need I say more? You look like a clown. Judged.

6. Weaves: This one might get more than a few eye rolls but you know what? I have a love/hate relationship with weaves. Yes, they supposedly up your ‘hmmph factor’, and I can’t front…some people look very glam and well packaged with them. On the flip, I feel that a lot of women over-rely on weaves. People like to give the “convenient and easy to maintain” excuse which is all well and good, but can we see your own God-given hair be it permed or natural like once every 365 days? And dayum even if you insist on weaving it up 24/7/365, must it be 72 inches long and so catdayum horsehair looking?? Judged.

7. Unnecessary Effizy: You went to the club, popped $1,000 worth of drinks and twit-pic’d the receipt? Judged. You bought a new range and created a Facebook album to inform the world of this purchase? Judged. You’re buying out and getting buried in the Gucci sto’ and had to post a tweet to inform the world? Judged. The truest effizy boys and girls are the ones who do all of the above and don’t consider any of that stuff to be a big deal.

That’s all for now folks. If you fell into any of the above the words of 2baba "One love my people". Soooo, what do you people judge? I’m all ears (abi eyes).

PS: - Hope y’all doing good. How did my East coasters hold up during Hurricane Sandy? All well and good, I hope.

Peace & Love.

Monday, October 1, 2012

On Lessons Learned, Being his Plan A, and Consolation Prizes

Lessons Learned
A couple of years ago, I experienced the closest thing to heartbreak when a guy who I really really liked did me some serious levels of “Negro you aint right!” in on some serious “see finish” levels. Prior to my experience with Mr. Heartbreak hotel, I had the bad habit of blaming myself or thinking that there was something wrong with me when interactions and dealings between me and various men didn't go as planned. But with this guy, one thing I knew for sure was that I was the best person that I could have been to him. I liked him a lot, and so I did the most for him because I truly wanted to do these things and in the end, he dropped me like a hot bag of charcoal for some chick that he ended up with.
The experience with this “heartbreak hotel” dude was a learning experience for me. For one, I learned that if I like a guy, I have no problem extending myself to do stuff for him. Not because, I’m campaigning to be considered as 50 yards of wife material, but because it’s something that I actually want to do. Secondly, I learned to stop blaming myself for anything. After being dropped like hot charcoal, I experienced and went through a variety of emotions but blaming myself was not one of the above. Matter of fact, it hit me like “wow, I was all that and a bag of chips, and he aint appreciate it?? You aint about that life bro!”. Thanks to that experience, I learned that I can be all that AND sometimes it's not me, its them.
Last but not least, I learned that as a woman, if you like swing over chandeliers and do gymnastics on the ceiling for a man, if he’s going to NEXT your azz, then he will do it. If you like cook him 3 course meals every day, make your mother’s secret recipe style of pepper soup for him when he’s sick in bed with the flu, if he no want you, then he no want you. If you like, “be there” for him when he needs to talk, rant, and get things off his shoulder, nothing for you if the guy no get plans for you. I put myself out there for Mr. Heartbreak Hotel but I found out that I was never in his original game plan, because he had another chick in mind all along as his plan A and I was just a “hold this one till I get the main one”  to him. Tough life.

Plan A vs.Plan B, C, D
This leads me to the next point. Per my theory, most men have their first draft picks (Plan A) and then plan B, C, D. A woman might put all her eggs in her plan A basket, but a man will have all his backup plans lined up. I once dated a guy who I can say was one of the best and most attentive/caring booskis that a girl could ask for. The only problem was that early on in our relationship, I discovered that I could never have held a torch to his plan A…a girl that he had loved for many many years. In fact, after I found out about her and quickly terminated the relationship, he told me that while he felt that we had potential, and I terminated things way too abruptly, he wanted to thank me for opening his eyes to the reality of the situation. Today, they are married and live in neverneverland. Like I said, I could never have held a torch to that woman. Or there was the confused one aka Mr. Confused who wanted to start something up with me and gave me this really cool tale about how he was done with some other chick… “she’s not wifey material. She’s too Americanized. She’s too this and that”. I mean, he always seemed quite obsessed with talking about this chick and her so-called faults sef so I wasn’t even taking his yarns seriously. Then 3 weeks later, he calls me up and tells me that he and ol’ girl had a talk and they are giving things another go. I said oh? Okay na. Fast forward 1.5 years later, they are also married in their own neverneverland. Potential plan B situation averted.
Let’s not talk about the various wedding websites that I’ve seen and I be reading the stories and mapping the timelines like ummm wasn’t this kneegro dating this other XYZ chick around this time frame? What can I say? Men definitely be keeping their options open.

Consolation Prizes
If I had a dollar for each time that a man offered me a “consolation prize”, I would be stacking paper. For instance, after I got over Mr. Heartbreak, we got to a point where we could relate on cordial terms, and one day he told me… “but you know you are a catch right?”…and mentally I was like Oh yeah? I am a catch, yet you dropped me real fast and was parading around town with the new girl within weeks? Boy bye!”. Or the time I was talking to Mr. Confused and he told me that if it hadn't been his wife, I would have been the one with the ring. LMAO. Am I here for these consolation prizes?
I have met quite a number of men who washed me and said “you are different”, “you are this” and “you are that” yet never stepped their game up with me AND then moved on to other women (and married them for the most part) so umm really, in the words of our dear ol’ Sweet Brown… “aint nobody got time for that!”. All these consolation prizes are just cheap words and don’t mean anything to me if I’m not a man’s plan A and number 1 choice. If I can quote one of my favorite songs from Marina and the Diamonds… “I’d rather walk alone than play a supporting role, if I can’t get a starring role”. All I’m saying is that I don’t need consolation prizes 'cos they don't mean anything to me and they don't validate my existence. Give me a starring role so that I know that it’s real.

In summary, when it comes to matters concerning the menfolk, I don’t even try to pretend to understand anything. Thanks to various experiences and the like, I've reached a point in my life where I take these matters at face value. Words are just words, nothing to get excited over. Actions are becoming cheap too. Heck, he might take me to the meet the parents and introduce me to his entire neighborhood, but to me, that don’t mean anything. Like my friend says…if we walk down the aisle, then I know that it’s live and direct. In the meantime, the numero uno lesson that I've learned when dealing with the menfolk is = be yourself. Sure, we are all imperfect beings and a work in progress, so work on whatever it is that you need to work on for YOUR own self-improvement, and not so that Chinedu will consider you to be wifey material. If doing XYZ is in your nature, then do XYZ…and if it aint, then don’t even try to fake it for anybody. 

And that is all she said.