Saturday, May 11, 2013

Wifey Material Points = Nonexistent

I realize that I tend to be a little too outspoken on these men/women issues especially when it comes to men’s expectations of women. I remember visiting my sister in Aberdeen back in 2010, and we dropped by a family friend’s house. Somewhere along the course of the evening, the man started yarning something about girlfriends and cooking. I forget exactly what it was, but I remember being very vocal about how no boyfriend of mine should expect me to cook for him. It is a privilege and not an obligation bro! I guess I was a little too vocal about my views. My poor sister was so surprised. She later coached me that I should learn to observe chill sometimes.

And then my male friend recently said the same thing. He said “you and this your gra gra, you know that could be a huge turn-off for men”. The old me would have said “ehn, they should be turned off nah!” but the new me who is attempting to observe chill said “aight. I’ll work on it”. And “serzly”, I’m trying to not always come off as the angry black raow raow woman who isn’t trying to do jack for a man. I’m currently cracking up now sef ‘cos I remember that someone once asked my friend why I, the Original Mgbeke, always seems to be so anti-cooking for a man. I guess her question was fueled by my outspoken views whenever the topic came up on shows like Gidilounge etc etc.
Let me put it out there people: I am not anti-cooking for a man. I will in fact cook 3 meals a day sef for a very very deserving boyfriend (Okay, I’m lying. That would actually be ONE meal a day boo) however, it absolutely gets my goat when men feel entitled to the things that us women do, or feel that women should be campaigning for the positions of wifey. With that, I will straight up tell you to kindly fly out of my line of vision. Narnsense.

So anyway, as I was saying…I am truly trying to observe chill and not always be popping off with my liberated views but sometimes these negros make it SO hard. Case in point, last week, I was on the commuter hustle with my really good male friend and 2 other African guys who I normally ride the train with. We were gisting and somehow, the topic of convo fell on men and their expectations of girlfriends. One of the guys said that he once asked a girlfriend to help him clean his bathroom and it really pissed him off that she said no. This is how the conversation went:

Guy 1 (The complainant): Imagine, she refused to saying that I shared the bathroom with my brother and so she didn’t think it was right that she should clean up after us.
Guys 2 and 3: That’s messed up bro.
Me: Let me get this straight. You asked your girlfriend to help you clean your bathroom. Was your hand broken? Did the doctor order you to not engage in any domestic duties for a week? Was she your housegirl? Was she paying rent in your house?
Guy 1: But if she’s coming over to sleep and sees a dirty bathroom, she should definitely take the initiative to clean it. In fact I shouldn't have had to ask.
Guy 2: I agree. That’s why these girls aren't getting wifed up. You all need to understand that you are pretty much auditioning for positions so you need put your best foot forward. You need to show men that you are domesticated.
Guy 1: That’s right. I guess that’s why that girl is still single self (Note: Guy1 is currently engaged to someone else)
Me: Guy 1, You are such a douchebag for that statement . And please, you men can save your silly auditions for a woman who cares about that nonsense. Best believe that I would not go to any man’s house and clean his bathroom when I’m not paying rent in that house. Na beans?
Guy 3: Ehn but if you needed your tire to be changed, you would call a guy abi? If you need light bulbs to be changed, you would be paging guys.
Me: Those are such basic examples though! What’s the big deal in changing a light bulb? Don’t insult a woman's intelligence please. As for my tires, I can call triple A.
Me: Also, if we are talking about initiative, have you all as men ever taken the initiative to clean a girlfriend’s dirty bathroom?
Guy 1: Why should we? As a woman, your bathroom shouldn't even be dirty to even begin with…
Me: All you African men are such clowns, it is very obvious. If any man expects me to clean his bathroom, then I guarantee you all that he is in a serious jonzing world.

***The snippet above is just a brief summary of the convo. Of course the conversation continued and before we parted ways, one of the guys told me to “Position myself” in regards to the matter of being seen as wifeable. I told him that if that is how babes are positioning themselves, then I decline.

No disrespect to any female who is about that bathroom cleaning life, but personally, to get on my knees and scrub a tub, clean a toilet bowl and engage in all that stuff is pretty damn deep! Standing in a kitchen and looking cute while turning some fragrant stew in a pot is one matter. To clean a man’s bathroom is an entirely different matter and I promise all my future husbands who are reading this post – It will never happen if we are not cohabiting in the same space, living together as husband and wife, or there are extenuating circumstances at hand - i.e. The man is confined to a sick bed. Other than that, as long as you are hale, heart and able bodied like me, you have hands so pick up a bottle of catdamn clorox and clean your own catdamn bathroom! Nonsense and foolishness.
I guess I just don’t know to play this dating game. Like I kuku told those "three wise men”, I’m not here to fake any funk and I will not put up any fronts, therefore I will not come to your house and clean your bathroom or do your laundry (that came up too). What I look like? Your housegirl? Nah bro.

These men sha, be wanting women to display domesticated traits and then after she has turned herself into a househelp, the men will bounce and marry some other entirely undomesticated goddess. If my point of view puts my already non-existent yards of wifey material further into the red, then so be it. Like I kuku told those guys, you African men can entirely miss me with your million rules and requirements, thinking that you all are doing us women a favor by proposing to us and it absolutely gets my goat. I am trying to chill, but trust that I will come out popping off every now and then when presented with ridiculous situations like deducting points because a woman refused to clean your bathroom/didn't take the initiative to show her domesticated side.  If you want to observe whether she’s clean or domesticated, go to her house and see how she keeps it. I maintain that until you put a ring on a woman’s finger and both of you say your vows as man and wife, she is under zero obligation to do anything for you, or prove anything to you.

*Steps off soapbox and resumes observing chill*

PS:- I have had some of the most random ass conversations with African men on thier expectations of future wifeys. I should someday blog about the one that told me that it's negative thing that all he ever heard me talk about cooking was grilled chicken/grilled fish, as per no Naija food was mentioned. LMAO. I really can't...