The fast life will age you...

27, and I've been there, done that.
I started out when I was 14, when those rumors were circulating.
Yup, those rumors. The ones about him and I being caught doing the nasty in the bushes.
Talk about adding salt and pepper to tori, all he did was finger me but trust people to over -exaggerate the story.
It was pretty embarrassing to have the whole world in my business but I covered it and I put my game face on.
Life went on, everyone moved on to the next gist and I carried on.
17, and I had graduated from secondary school and on my way to University.
As a new and fresh jambite, I got snatched up pretty quickly.
It was pretty exhilarating to be with one of the older guys, he was in the 300 level and pretty well known around campus.
We started having sex pretty soon, and he insisted that if I loved him, I would give him my goodies as often as he wanted it. Turns out that he wanted it like every day.
And everyday I obliged, because I loved him and truth be told, I loved the sex too.
He told me not to bother coming to his off-campus residence when I had my period so on those days, I stayed away...I hung with my girls instead.
By the time I turned 19, I was tired of it all. The sex was starting to get old and come on...my vagina had to breathe.
My boyfriend must have also gotten tired of my once precious goodies because he broke up with me eventually and moved on to another woman.
And so it was back to square 1 for me. I met more guys, got into a scandal or two...
There was that one time that Kate came to my hostel to confront me because she found out that I had been sleeping with her man on the low low.
It got pretty ugly and once again was embarrassing for me but who cared? I had already earned some kind of reputation around town anyway.
'Slut', 'Whore', 'Nympho', 'Public Toilet'...the list was endless. The women turned up their noses at me and the men just wanted to get in my pants.
By 20, I was learning that I couldn't just give my goodies away for free. I had to be making some money too like the other Ariztos girls were...
I loved sex, so why couldn't I make money off it too?
I started to meet with older men who would sleep with me and give me money. Lots of it...it paid off too because my father was a retired school teacher who didn't have much money to share amongst my 5 siblings and I, and so with the money that I acquired from my sugar daddies, I could pay the rent for me on-campus accomodations and buy myself some clothes and nice things.
My rep advanced from that of a general slut to that of an Ariztos girl.
But the fast life wasn't that kosher. By the time I was 22, I had 4 abortions. One time I had an STD scare, but all turned out to be well.
Did I learn though? Nope...I carried on doing what I did best. Don't judge me, you might have done the same if you were in my shoes.
Trips to Abuja to meet men, trips to Lagos and on one lucky occasion, a shopping trip to London. I was doing it big...I covered these trips up to my parents under the guise of going to my girlfriend's village for weddings and what not.
I even got a nice car from one of my men, which I kept parked on campus because I could not have explained this one to my parents.
Despite the glamorous appearance of it all, I was paying dearly for everything.
I gained about 50lbs...I can attribute that to the good life and sperm. No joke, sperm will do wonders to the female body.
Eventually, I got old to the men. They were looking for fresh meat and I was far from that. I still have a reputation around town...when men ask 'Do you know Amaka?' the usual response is 'Which Amaka? Is it Amaka E?' and then 'Ahhhh, leave story'.
Sadly, that is the type of reputation that I have.
I look in the mirror and internally I feel disgusted by what I see; a shadow of the innocent young girl that I used to be but to be honest, I really can't change things. This is who I am...
The money was like a drug, and I recently moved to Abuja...a town where I am unknown and resumed my Ariztos duties. After living that kind of lifestyle, it is hard to go back to my old one before all the money, ah ah...I too want to be a bigger babes.
People meet me and instantly think that I am 32. The fast life will age you...it has certainly aged me.

Happiness + Good Karma

Hello blogsville. Anyone miss me? *Waits with bated breath*...Hahahaha. So many updates but I will attempt to catch up.

On to the main tori...

Happiness
On a happiness rating scale of 1-10, I'd give myself an 8. I'm just a generally happy person...and nah, I'm not one of those extra bubbly, perky people who always let you know that they are happy. Mine is more of a calmer sort of happiness but I'm still a happy gal.
Don't get it twisted, it hasn't been and is still not smooth sailing on this journey that we call life. Far from it o, but through it all I just always manage to keep my calm and not let things phase me too much. I have always adopted a 'this too shall pass' mentality and an 'I'm not going to sweat the things that I can not control' and I think that these have really helped me.

I don't need to have the top notch material things in life to maintain my happiness (although I must admit that shopping does get me on some kind of high...lol). The most basic things in life keep me happy: Loving family, wonderful friends, enough money in the bank to pay my bills and a lil extra to put food on the table, blessings from God and other people..etc etc. I'm happy because I have inner peace with myself and others; I forgive easily so I carry no emotional baggage, my level of self confidence and assurance is at a 9 (will blog about this later), and above all I am happy because I truly believe that I also have that peace that comes from trying to form a stronger and closer relationship with the G-O-D.

I bask in my happiness and in turn try to do good things to the best of my ability for other people because that also makes me happy.
Which leads me to the next point...

Good Karma
Good Karma or blessings from God...you decide, but this might also be a contributing factor to the above mentioned general state of happiness. Sometimes it's like wow, why are people so nice to me? And then I remember that I try to be nice to others to the best of my ability. Don't get it twisted...I'm no angelic being walking the face of this earth but in my own little way I do try. I guess what goes around does come around, and everytime someone does something as simple as sending me a care package filled with goodies or a bunch my favorite european chocolates, I am truly humbled by the kindness. When someone offers to give me their log in info so that I can study for my professional licensing for FREE or offers to buy me that new bestseller that I've been dying to read, I am truly humbled by the kindness. I mean, people are nice to me and I'm always like 'Who? me?' It may seem small to you, but every little act is appreciated by me.

I recently went to one of my favorite African restaurants around this end and noticed that the cashier who is normally very nice had a serious attitude that day. So instead of adopting a defensive approach, I flashed my 32 and asked 'Long day?' and she replied 'Yeah, it's hot and everyone has been giving me attitude etc etc'. So I kuku told her 'Awww, how about you sit in your car for like 10 mins and cool off, I hope the day gets better for you' and would you believe after that little convo, she told me not to worry about paying 'cos the $25 worth of food that I ordered was on the house. I attributed it to good karma and took away a little lesson from it: 'Always inquire about moody people's day, it just may lighten up their mood that someone asked in the first place + you could score some awoof stuvvs'. LOL

And on a closing note, some random little things that make me happy:

• Getting my glamour subscription in the mail. Ahhh, I HEART glamour magazine.
• FUN times with friends. I love to have a good time, anyday...anytime. As long as it's safe, painless and legal. LOL
• The smell of fresh laundry.
• Traveling and seeing new places.
• Thrifting. It's like an absolute treasure hunt, I think that even the malls have lost their appeal as my love for thrifting has taken over.
• Reading comments from bloggers who say things like 'I think your blog is really cool'. I'm always like 'Ahhh, lirru ol' me?' Thank you guys. :-)
• Putting in hard work at the gym and getting comments like 'You look good'
  
• Hanging with my Philly fam! With these set of girls, it's always guaranteed laughs and a good ol' time.
• Bantering with folk. I love a good ol' playful exchange.

etc etc etc. The list dey long...

On that note, I'm off to bed.

The lying Devil + Nigerians trying to kill me again.

O blogsville residents, repeat after me...'The devil is a liar'.
Devil I senior you. Ooooo, devil I senior you. Spiritually, mentally, financially, academically, socially and physically.

Hia, make una come and see me see trobu ooo. Devil wan try me but hin no sabi say I senior am! Mai pipu na im I get one vacation wey I wan waka go next week and I applied for my passport since May 21st o. I suppose organize this waka this coming Sunday but come Tuesday, I still never see my passport.
I come dey sweat, dey perspire. I mean, I haven't been working on getting my body bikini ready for nada, have I? Shuooo...see mess up o!

I called the Passport office and dem tok say dem mail the passport out to me since May 29th, I said haba! I never receive am oo...see me see wahala. The passport rep tok say dem go mail the passport out on Wednesday (yesterday), and I should get it by today.

But yesterday, my heart still dey do jigijigipampam. I decided to call back to see if they had sent it out again and I encountered another passport rep who started to yarn long story about setting an appointment to enter DC and have them re-issue another one. Ol' girl practically felt my claws come out over the phone as I gave her some serious attitude ehn! Is it only DC? I had to friggin' pay $200 to expedite that ish so I'll be damned if they made me do an unplanned waka into DC. The heck?

I just vex, tell the babe say make she give me tracking number so I can log onto the USPS website and peep the situation for myself. Put the tracking number into the website and saw that the passport was chilling in the post office right next to my house. In fact this passport had been chilling there since May 29...*hisses and rolls eyes*
Called the post office, the passport was there and I was out of work by 4:30 in an effort to make it to the P.O before 5pm aka closing time. Long story short, my brand new passport is right here with moi and I sayyy the devil is a liar!

So I come senior the devil for this one and I don tok say no weapon formed against me shall prosper. Amen?? Your girl is off to Costa Rica for 5 days, come next week with my passport in hand. Wooohooooo! So I'm hella looking forward to that, and I know that it will be a fun trip. :-)

On to other news, Nigerians will NOT kill me. I know you guys must have already seen the emails/ FB notes about the new Naija abbreviations. I don did a couple of posts in the pasts and some people commented with 'LWKM', it took me a while to figure out that LWKM= Laughter will not kill me. Hahahahahahahha....
As in ehn, the abbreviations no get part 2! I was seeing ish like:

MIDG - make i dey go
WGYL - we go yarn later
IGA - I gbadun am
ICS - I can't shout
DJM - Don't jealous me
WBDM - Who born d maga
UDC - U de craze
WDH - wetin dey happen
NDH - nutin dey happen
FMJ - free me jo
BBP - bad bele people
HUD - how u dey
WKP - waka pass
KKL - Kokolette
MML - mamalette
GFF- Gbono fe le fe le (e.g., she GFF)
NTT - Na true talk
IKU - It koncain u?
NDM - no dull me
LGT - let's goo there
IFSA - I for slap am
IGDO - I go die o
YB - Yess boss
NLT - No long thing
2GB - 2 gbaski (e.g., the song 2GB!)
CWJ - carry waka jorh
WBYO - wetin be your own
MKG - maka gini?
WSDP - who send dem papa
INS - i no sendINFS - i no fit shout
WWY - who wan yarn
NBST - no be small thing
NWO - na wah oooooo
NMA - no mind am
MIHW - make i hear word
NBL - no be lie
NB? - na beans?
wd - wetin dey
UNGKM - u no go kill me

Abeg o, mai kontri pipu...which kain abbreviations be these ones na? LMAO...ooops LWKMD. Hia! In fact this one no be abbreviation again, na just pure laziness. Hahahahahah. I just weak for the situation. Can you imagine what text messages will start to look like? Imagine a text conversation where NiceAnon said that she heard that I am trying to holla at Scribbles.

Mgbeke: NB? NWO...INFS (Na beans? Na wa ooo...I no fit shout!)
Nicey: NBL? UNGKM shaaa. (No be lie? You no go kill me sha)
Mgbeke: ICS. FMJ, MBDM... (I can't shout. Free me jor...Who born the maga?)
Nicey: LWKM. Anyways WGYL (Laughter will not kill me, Anyways we go yarn later)

Like shuoooooo. LOL...oops LWKM. Anyways my pipu, na the tori of the day be that. Make una continue to maintain for ya end o. Have a bubbling and shuffling weekend and if anyone wan vex you this weekend, just ask if dem sabi di day when George Bush start to climb on top okada. I mean, levels get levels. Who born the maga? In fact, I no fit shout!

Peace & Love. :-D

I googled my ex...

I randomly thought about him today and decided to google him...

…and I found his wedding website. He is getting married VERY soon. To her. For a split second, I thought hmmmph! Not her of all people. She will freaking run into me one day and gloat like she won and I lost. For a split second, I sulked about it and harrumphed about it. And then the moment passed…

But then, I got to wondering…what if I hadn’t seen what I saw that warm summer day a couple of years ago? I might never have had a reason to confront him and who knows, maybe we would be the ones walking down the aisle too.
You see, I can confidently say that he fell into the ‘top 3’ in my best boyfriend category.He was caring, attentive, full of surprises, encouraging, always with a listening ear, had a nice sense of humor, definitely not hard on the eyes at all, sexy, very smart etc etc. I mean, he fit am well well o.

He gave me butterflies and he made me happy and to me, all was well in my world until that warm summer day some years ago, when I saw what I saw. The hard core evidence was enough proof for even the dumbest woman on the planet, and after I confronted him about it…I packed my load and was O-U-T. It was a tough choice, and a hard decision and in retrospect sometimes I would ask myself why I walked away from someone who was so good to me, especially after all that I seemed to run into post-him was a bunch of stupid ass men. But please…my mama taught me well. No man is worth that BS, no matter how ‘good’ he appears to be so I chalked it up to a ‘whatever’ and kept on living.

I kept my distance for a good while until he randomly emailed me one random day about 1.5 years later. I responded and said ‘Hmmm, what warrants this random email o you blast from the past’ and he said something along the lines of ‘he hadn’t forgotten about me, and couldn’t even if he tried’. It was still a ‘whatevs’ from me. I certainly wasn’t trying to entertain any blasts from the pasts. From then on, we’d talk very randomly and one day he called me and told me that he and her had gotten back together, said he’d ultimately like to thank me for opening his eyes (because the stuvvs that I saw that warm sunny day all related to her; she who had an untouchable mark and history in his life that I could never have tried to hold a torch to).
Said after I bounced from the relationship, he realized that he was still in love with her and so he decided to rekindle things with her. On a contradictory note, he wistfully added that he felt I had rudely interrupted what we had when it had major potential to grow into something big, and how I’m such a wonderful woman blahblahblah. I thanked him, congratulated him and wished him well…
What’s a woman to do?

We didn’t speak again until I ran into him at this wedding... 3 exes and a wedding
and The reception . I had no idea he was going to be there, with her of all people but upon seeing them together I knew that it was officially official and hey! I’m only human…I felt slight resentment for them…her…him. At this stage, I had no idea that they were engaged…until I happened to get word of it on the street and it was really like wow!
Since then, we haven't spoken to each other.

So ummm…yeah, they are tying the knot pretty soon and save for my fleeting second of hmming and haaaing, it really is all good. I know that they will be very happy together, no doubt and I wish them the very best. Ultimately, I am happy that I saw what I saw on that warm summer day…they say that everything happens for a reason and I believe that. Ex + his wifey are meant to be, and if I hadn’t found out then, I surely would have found out later. Their history is untouchable.

As for me, I’ll simply add this to the archives of stories that I will tell my daughters when they grow up and start to experience life and it's ups and downs. Such is life! :-D

Harry Potter inspired memories...

Update on my collection: 2 down, 5 to go. I found yet another hardback for 99c…dreams can come true. Yes we can baby! :-)

But this post isn’t about that…
Apart from the fact that I’m such a huge HP fan and I truly enjoy reading the books, Harry Potter is one of the things that makes me think of of Ken. I very vividly remember the day I started Uni in Naija, fresh and fly jambito I was. I was set with my hair looking good, a cute outfit and a hardback Harry Potter novel in my hand. You know how the first day of school be, no lecturer was going to be teaching anything for the first week or 2 but people went on campus to register and kiki it up with friends…which was pretty much what I was going to do.My sister who is like my second mommy and has always looked out for me, gave me the once over to ensure that her lil sis wasn’t going to go and disgrace her on campus and observed my Harry Potter book. She said ‘Aha, you have your Harry Potter…correct girl. Now any guy who asks you about it or says that he wants to read it after you is probably a correct guy who knows what’s up…’ Hehehehe, gotta love my sister o jare! She always brings it with the good advice. I took note of what she said, and I was off to school.

Like I anticipated, there were no classes and day #1 involved a whole lot of standing in line to register. When I was done, I hopped on an Okada and went to meet up with a friend of mine who was at her boyfriend’s house…and that is where I met Ken. One of the first things he said as soon as we were introduced was… ‘Oh you have that HP, can I read it after you?’ and I remembered my sister’s words of advice and smiled. But all wasn’t instantly gravy between Ken and I…I mean dude was kinda sweating me hard and I could tell, so me being the fronting, shakara making jambito that I was proceeded to make shakara for dear ol’ Ken.

When I was finished with the bubbling, I went home to gist my sister of how my first day of Uni was. The funny thing was that she happened to be at home with her really good friend Karen; who unknown to me was Ken’s sister. So I walked into my house and sister dearest and Karen wanted to know how school was, and which guys toasted me etc etc so you know I was in there running my mouth about this dude named Ken who was sweating me hard but I just wasn’t feeling him, I even added small jara for them sef…LMAO. After I don nack the tori finish, my sister and Karen looked at each other and burst out laughing. I was confused… ‘Did I say something wrong’, ‘what is so funny’ and in between giggles my sister told me that Ken was Karen’s brother. Jesu! I just wished that the floor would open up and swallow me…like dag. Talk about set up! I begged Karen not to tell Ken what I said and she promised not to, but na beans? Karen definitely told her brother because after that I would run into Ken on campus and he would seriously bone my side ehn! I mean, I felt kinda bad and even suddenly started to think he was kinda sexy but ah well, it was what it was. Ish happens…

Fastforward 2 years later
One day, I got a random call from a random area code and I picked up out of curiosity. It was Ken on the phone…he had just moved to this end and my sister gave him my #. It was so weird, yet funny…we really caught up on gist and even talked about our first encounter. He said he had written me off as one of those childish jambito babes. LMAO…
From that day on, we talked like almost every day and got to be very close. We even started to make plans to meet up, as we expressed a mutual interest in each other. I mean, Ken was like a comfort zone to me…I could talk about everything and anything and he was always willing to listen.
But seriously folk, is it that all good things must come to an end? Because, in this case…it did. You see, Ken had come to these parts for medical reasons and somewhere along the line when we all thought that all was well with him, and he was going to be okay, move on with his life and get started with his hopes, dreams and ambitions…things just went downhill in a serious way and just like that, my dearest Ken was gone.

It was a heartbreaking loss to everyone…his family, his friends, me…everyone! And the last thing that I could do out of respect to him was to go for his burial. How sad that we never quite got a chance to visit each other as planned and when I finally entered his hood, it was to wish him goodbye for the very last time…
I still think of him, and apart from Harry Potter, there are a bunch of very random little things that remind me of him. He was such a HUGE fan of the rapper Nas. When Nas and Jay-Z finally settled their beef, I thought ‘Dag! Ken would have loved to see this’ …just things like that.

He is truly missed and I pray that his soul continues to rest in perfect, perfect peace.
Amen.

On wedding websites, weddings and getting married.

Wedding Websites
I must admit that I’m a huge fan of wedding websites. I’m not the girl who looks at the pictures of the couple and X’s out the screen. I’m the girl who wants to read about the bride and groom, how they met, how he proposed…the whole 9 yards. Funny enough, I don’t even pay too much attention to the pictures (unless the couple is like really fine…lol).For my fellow wedding webbie fans, isn’t it extra annoying when people jump to the conclusion that because you like looking at wedding webbies, the marriage bug has bitten you. *rolls eyes*But back to the tori sha, mai people this proposal business has gotten out of hand o. As in the oppression no get part 2 again. If in the past, it was okay for ol’ boy to carry you to Fogo de Chao and get down on one knee, now hin male counterparts don outdone him. I be reading stories of how they went to Dubai or the Bahamas and he proposed. E even get this particular website where the bobo proposed with a brand new car, and the ring was on the dashboard or something crazy. I just weak o!E get this other website wey I see where the bobo wanted to wow the girl with an ‘Air, land and sea’ proposal so he carried her to Dubai, took her to a restaurant that revolves in the sky (Air), a boat (sea) and rounded it all up by popping the question while they were having a picnic on the sands (land). I just weak!

Weddings
This wedding craze no be small thing o. Or is it because I am older, that I am now noticing how everyone suddenly seems to be getting married? I have also observed how 95% of the weddings I have been attending are mainly Yoruba couples, with the random occurrence of a Yoruba man and an Igbo woman. So I ask my Igbo men, una no dey marry?I dey wonder o! Either way, I have never been fixated on dating or marrying an Igbo man/marrying within my tribe so nothing do me.
In a totally unrelated point but while we are on the subject of certain tribes, I have run into quite a good number of Urhobo men in my lifetime and among all of them I have observed that they are all really good cooks. Is it an up-bringing thing where their mama’s required that they learn how to cook? I’m yet to run into an Urhobo man who can not cook. Hmm hmmm…interesting stuff sha.

Is Marriage in my future?
My mother is seriously entertaining fantasies of ‘doing a celebration in Ikeduru’ sometime soon (Her words o). I understand that she is anxious to wear her beautiful gold necklace which she specifically told me that would be worn at either me or my sister’s traditional wedding but I don’t know how to tell her not to hold her breath. I admit that I am GUILTY of being a hard core realist and I have entertained the thought that marriage might not be in my future. It is not because I do not want to get married o, because I do. But at the same time, I don’t think that everyone will get married. You know how you have those random aunts who are like 52 and never been married? That could be any of us…that could be me. So umm yeah, I really don’t know…maybe I will meet somebody, or maybe I won’t. I hope it will swing on the positive side and I will continue to pray so. But if it doesn’t…at least I kinda saw it coming…right? Right!

On a closing note, I wonder if men still do the traditional way of having their people meet with the girl’s people to do the formal introduction before they pop the question. Or do they pop the question and then do the formal introduction?

My heart goes out to the passengers & crew of AF447, as well as their families and friends.