Monday, March 11, 2013

The Coding Issue

An old friend recently got engaged. This was her second engagement. The first one was very much publicized with a multitude of Facebook pictures and the whole world armed with the knowledge that she and ol’ dude were an item. Along the line, she started to see things about the man that she wasn't feeling so she called off the engagement, and it was this huge issue. Now, a few years down the line, ol’ girl got re-engaged to a new boo-thang and pretty much, a whole bunch of people didn't know anything about it until the day she that posted a traditional wedding picture on BBM and we were like “Hold up! You were engaged???” Look, I’m not even mad at her. It’s a case of once bitten, twice shy. The babe coded the matter well well, and in the light of her previous experience, who can blame her?

I am beginning to understand why some people keep engagement and wedding talk strictly under wraps and within the circle of trust. Within the last year and a half, I've heard of more than enough broken engagements. They all stemmed from a variety of reasons:

I found about things about his family that I wasn't comfortable with

We got engaged and realized that we truly weren't compatible

He started to show his true character and I had to bounce

And the worst of them all…

He wasn’t sure

To that last reason and the multitude of unsure men who roam this earth, all I gotta say is that God is watching you mafakas HDTV. May a man not waste your own daughter’s precious time, you hear me so?? God forbid a man raises my hopes, I start planning a wedding and then he pulls the “I’m not sure”. Heoooo, my God will fight for me on this matter! There will be blood! *catches the spirit*. If you’re not sure, then you better start to reveal yourself from day one biko. Thanks in advance.

But let me not get side tracked…

If all these once bitten women code their engagements the second time around, then I’m not mad at that at all.  I mean, do you realize how freaking awkward it is to display your ring on BBM with the status message “he put a ring on it!!!!!!!!!”, relay your very intricate proposal story that elicits a bunch of “awwwwwws” from every listening ear, and start to go through the process of planning a wedding, only to have to go back and start explaining to everybody down the line that “ummm, wedding’s off guys”. Shoot, if that was me, I would zip my mouth tightly the second time around. It’s sad that something as beautiful as getting engaged can’t be as celebrated as it should be, because of doubts, uncertainties, and even the so-called enemies of progress who may be trying to pour sand in your garri.

So yes, I understand why more women are keeping their steez on the low-key status these days.

However, here are two instances of coding that I still don’t get:
1. I put up a random post last year or so, where I briefly touched on coding and how I was blown that an engaged babe could come and be forming single babe with me, only for me to find out 4 months down the line that she was getting married, and had been dating her now husband for about 4 years. Now, while I understand the concept of coding, this was one aspect had me scratching my head. As in, I kent be here talking about how it’s hard out here on these streets and your engaged self kwa will be following me to yarn “men it’s tough for us single girls o”. In that scenario, I felt that at the very least, she could have simply issued a general statement like “ahh, I hear that my sister” or something and kept it moving. To say that I was blindsided by the babe’s engagement is an understatement.

2. When your supposed close as in “personal people” code their own from you kwa. It’s one thing to keep the matter from the general public and “friends” in the general sense of the word, and another to code it from your peoples peoples. I know someone who did that…did introduction and all her so-called close knit friends were in the dark. Like hia! I know myself, that's the kind of thing I would take hella personally. I'm talking about my personal people here o, like shiooo.

As for me, when my turn comes…will I code my own matter? Well, by default I’m not one to put information out there. For me, relationship types of things generally stay on the lowkey, and so an engagement would probably not be a publicized matter.  I was recently telling my friend that while the recent trend of folks putting their engagement info out there on Twitter (and spamming my TLs with the congratulatory RTs) is kinda cute, I know that it’s something that I wouldn't do, just because it’s not my nature.

So if you are about that coding life for your own personal reasons, then code away. And if you’re not, nothing do you as well. You know my steez on matters like this… “to each his/her own”.


taynement said...

#TeamCoding here but only from people I don't know/social media things. It's just generally not my thing to put personal/relationship things out there.

I feel you on the "extra" coding. It's one thing to be personal and another to go the extra mile and act like you are single. what's the purpose?

Besides the reasong you mentioned, sometimes coding in these days is a necessary thing, the world can be evil and that's just sad sha that you can't just be free and celebrate.

Third World Profashional said...

Nne, coding di kwa necessary o. Nigerian society is beyond evil, people do not need to know your business at all.

I have that problem because people (and by this I mean people who read my blog but don't know me personally) expect me to put my relationship front and center and when I don't, claim that I'm "hiding" my boyfriend. I'm truly perplexed by this notion beccause some of these people know me so little they don't even know my last name,, why then would they expect me to share intimmate details of my life on social media? I'm def the last person you'll hear any sort of "I'm engaged!" announcement from, I've never even changed my relationship status on FB and I've been with the same person for 3 years.

As long as your people that you interact with on a daily basis and by virtue of that know personal things about you, know who you're dating you really don't need to be putting your SO in front of strangers faces. I mean some girl got engaged very early last year, announced it on every single social possible. You know normally its your friends doing the hype for you, mba, this one did the announcements all by herself. Constantly puts the poor boys image everywhere, has even coined a social media moniker for him. Over a year after all this brouhaha, no introduction talk less of wedding. People that got engaged months after ha don start to dey born sef. I'm pointing this out because people have started to question her actions and motives, same faceless people that were rejoicing with her. Whereby if she had been chill about the whole matter, why would someone have the audacity to be asking her why she's not married yet.

You can tell that the whole relationship privacy thing grinds my gears, lol. I don't code, I'm Madam PDA and Madam doing everything with my boyfriend but he stays off bbm, twitter, instagram, fb etc. I can use that one for my blog and occassional ranting but not to subject my relationship to the relentless internet scrutiny.

LadyNgo said...

I don't know that i'd necessarily call it coding but i doubt that i'd be announcing to the world all my wedding/engagement business. I don't really think there's a reason to do so. The people who need to know, will and everyone else will find out when they get wedding invites or see the photos if they weren't invited lol.

TheRustGeek said...

Discretion, and access levels to pertinent personal information is the key though, isn't it?

1 + The One said...

LOL @ the message/prayer to the 'unsure' guys..

I'm usually a PDA person but I know there's wisdom in coding to an extent

Anonymous said...

let me be anoynmite here.

Honestly, i do not see the reason to be informing general public of my business. People who are extremely close should know. Why announce the engagement sef? Can you wait to give out invites for the wedding? Many people run into trouble doing all these amebo. the less of your business out there the better for you. for me i didnt announce engagement, i didnt announce introduction, i am only announcing wedding partially.
That is how someone 2 months pregnant went to wear a tee shirt - P is for Pregnant- she is still looking for the pregnancy till today.

Lohi said...

#TeamCoded all day every day! When I do get engaged, unless my friends(whom I have warned extensively not to do this) announce on social networks, it would not even be there at all! People are evil in this generation! I do not see why people need to know those details about my life. Its cute when people are brave enough to do it..but I actually cannot. like I break out in hives if my bf uses my pic as his dp on bbm...its too weird to me!

Enitan said...

i'm not a 'coder' per se, but a very private nobody-needs-to-know person. Unfortunately the boyfriend is not, my picture everywhere so annoying! I been dey think say, if i break up with am, na him e go pain pass!

leggy said...

#teamcoding. everything in my life is on a serious need-to-know basis. i don't know why people i don't know on twitter and instagram will be living their life through me. cos all these people who are "aww-ing" you on instagram and twitter wil be the ones laughing at you when y'all break up tbh.

Anonymous said...

...the broken engagement thing na wa. The 'he wasn't sure' ones dey pain me reach marrow even when i no know the person...which kain evil be that one? May God save us from useless mongrels.

...this life na need to know o jare.

leggy said...

#teamcoding. everything in my life is on a serious need-to-know basis. i don't know why people i don't know on twitter and instagram will be living their life through me. cos all these people who are "aww-ing" you on instagram and twitter wil be the ones laughing at you when y'all break up tbh.

Sugabelly said...

I think it's pretty obvious that I'm one of those people who lets everything hang out.

Maybe because I've never actually been in a relationship per se.

When I'm actually in one, I'll let you know if I think it should be coded or not ^_^

Apinke said...

Am not a code freak o Jare. I did post my intro pics on FB tho. Pics were already there before I posted some personally and it didn't bug me.
I may not tell everyone everything but if u do James bond to find out, all the best.

That prayer tho, tehehehehe, I died!

Anonymous said...

Nice Anon: In this day and age where it is actually not that hard to find out certain information about someone you've never actually met and probably will NEVER meet. I believe strongly in some form of discretion.Keep a large amount of your personal life private. They are there to be cherished by you and by those who love you the most. Random people on the internet couldn't give a flying fuck about some certain things biko. Let us all behave like adults jare.

Ginger said...

I've been on the receiving end of coded weddings, pregnancies, childbirth and know how it hurts, so i doubt if i would do same to my friends..

But on fourth thoughts, comments above hmmmmmmm

Toinlicious said...

I'm with you on the personal peoples stuff though. I do a strictly on-a-need-to-know basis o. No need to put my business out for those who don't even know/care about me

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Inner circle will know. Others will either get an invite or find out when they see pictures :)

mizchif said...

Ah, this issue. First of all i bind all time wasters in Jesus name, amen.

Everything in my life has always been on a strictly need to know basis, so i won't even call it coding. I'm madam PDA in real life, but i see no reason to be splashing photos and news about me and my S.O (that i kuku don't have) all over the e-streets. mba.
I can't even count the number of people i know who have done that whole posting photo of engagement ring (which is quite tacky to me) who are still single today. And yes, i may laugh at them a little.
When i print invite, ehen, the world can now know. Even then this life sef, nothing is too sure.

That being said however, recently someone i consider a close friend sent me a msg that she had fixed date for her trad wed. This totally blindsided me because i had no idea she was even dating, so to inform me AFTER a date had been set just told me that we are not really friends afterall, so me i quietly congratulated her and kept it moving.

Aee Bonrue said...

To each hi/her own true true!

I can't put my life or my relationship out there mehn...I can't....I just can't. All you get from me is what you need to know. If I wanted paparazzi and stuff, I woulda joined the circus.

I am in awe of folks who can. I don't know how they do it.

I would code naturally coz i'm a very private person...Not coz I dont want "bad peepo to pour sand sand inside my garium" but thazz a point sha seeing as I'm nigerian and live in Nigeria *Cough* Thaizall.

Aee Bonrue said...

I've been blindsided twice and it hurt like hell but I've come to realise that whether I vex knack head for wall, dem don marry so I just sharply continue my journey to my bidnes.

Anonymous said...

The fear of the Nigerian "enemy" is the beginning of Nigerian wisdom. Even after you're married, no one knows you're pregnant until the thing starts to protrude. If it's possible self, Nigerians will prefer to lie that they have some rare stomach disease than admit they're pregnant

Nutty J. said...

i encourage coding...the wahala of explaining what went wrong in the event of a break up is too tiring... only key people should know. The rest should receive wedding card. Or hear it years later as a testimony when u are fully settled with another person

Debs said...

LMAO!! Very true oh! A friend of mine who was about 5months pregnant told she she had just finished eating 4 wraps of fufu, hence the big belly.

Debs said...

I don't exactly put my private stuff out there, but at the same time I don't code code. I'm a strong believer of what will be, will be. For example, outside the engagement scene, I had been searching for a job. I always "celebrate" with my friends when I got called for an interview. I never got called back. I decided to code one very correct interview I got called for. I was successful to the third stage. Saw the MD and all. Was already sure the job was mine. I was happy I coded. Nope, I didn't get the job. I disclose stuff to concerned persons and friends that might randomly ask, so I won't be accused of lying to them later one.

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