In my rant of the day...

Contrary to the whole concept of being a tried and true 'Mgbeke', my speaking/understanding of the Igbo language truly does suck.
I grew up in Port Harcourt (obviously a non-Igbo speaking town), and within our household, my parents spoke English to us kiddies. Going off to a feddy school in the East, I had high hopes of picking up some Igbo but *ahem*, my school was filled with a whole bunch of Ajebo women from Lagos and such places, and it wasn't much Igbo speaking that was going on around those parts. It is what it is...

So it really does kill me when people make asinine statements such as 'How can you be proud of the fact that you can't speak your language' or 'Your parents didn't raise your right' or 'Wow, it's such a shame that you can't speak your language'. I mean, WHO BORN THE MAGA? Seriously, you don't even want to go there with me when it comes to whose parents raised them right 'cos If I decide to light into you and your entire household, na fight wey go start o.

To be honest, I'm not proud of the fact that I can't speak/understand much Igbo...and at the same time, I am not ashamed of it. It's a neutral feeling on my part but I would love to learn and currently have a (slacker) tutor. Ha, bless his heart... so it really elicts a WTF comment and absolutely gets my blood boiling when people just come at me with such blanket statements. Okay, so you think because your Igbo is top notch and mine isn't that you are more Igbo than I am? Motherchoker please!

E get this bobo on FaceBook wey recently updated his status talking about...'You call yourself Igbo, yet you can't speak your language. You are ignorant' and me being the defender of all non-Igbo speaking Igbo people that I am, made the mistake of trying to get him to see things from another perspective. *Ahem*...let's just say that it was a total waste of energy and at the end of it all, I really had to practice the whole taking a deep breath and woooosah-ing 'cos if my temper had gotten the best of me, Mark Zuckerberg for ban me from that Facebook. LMAO...

I mean seriously, such people get on my everloving last nerve.

Ahhh but I haven't always won the Mgbeke vs. Her temper battle. Once upon a time, there was a nice young man that I used to 'chit chat' with. One day, I met his sister and from the moment she met me and started blasting Igbo, I gave her the heads up...'I'm sorry, my Igbo isn't as top notch as yours'. Now you'd think that she would have digested the info and at least waited for me to leave before she started talking smack but no o! She kept on going on and on and on about it until I had absolutely had it UP to here and so I lit into her and let her have it. Long story short, at the end of it all...the man X'ed me from his 'chit chat' list and I earned some kind of reputation as 'that crazy bitch' among some of ze family members who had witnessed me finishing the dear lil sister. Mchewwwwww... I mean, this is how World war dey start o. Anyway, no long thing.

So yeah, when I meet a lot of Igbo folk and the topic of speaking Igbo and what not comes up, my guard is automatically up and I'm on defense mode. Get off your high horses my people, 'cos you can speak A and I can't speak it don't make you better than me, neither does it make you more Igbo than me and if you absolutely do not want to piss me off and make me say something that you don't want to hear, then cease and desist from making your mickifrickin' blanket statements. Bunch of Nincompoops!

It's all good sha, I still circle bi-lingual on forms...after all pidgin is a whole 'nother language on it's own and I'm pretty fluent at that one. :-D

So over it!

So twas my birthday yesterday and I really should be ringing in the new year on a positive note but some things have got my panties in a twist and so, as opposed to the nice, happy post that I had planned...I'm finna drop a rant post up in this piece. If you don't like rant posts, you know what to do, the lil red X is right up at the top right hand corner of your PC screen. Now let's get this ball rolling...

I am soo over GUYS who can't do ish for you just because they are not sleeping with you/toasting you. Everything that they do for you has to come with K leg. If you say...'Hey can I ride with you to X?'...where the initial plan for him was to go there anyway, wasn't like you are taking him out of his way, he will say something along the lines of 'Shey you will contribute towards my Gas' or something as equally foolish as that. Oh oh, so just because I am not the fine girl that you are toasting now means that you can't do anything for me out of the goodness of your heart? Odikwa risky sha ooo!

I am soo over GUYS with girlfriends/fiancees trying to approach me. Fool, you don lost your everloving mind, that is for sure. The heck I look like, trying to be your side piece? Shuooooo! And then when you call them out on it, they say foolish things like 'Well, until a ring is on my finger, I am not committed to anyone' and all you can really do after that is give them a blank mickifrickin' stare. *Smh*...some poor woman out there is happily showing his pictures to her friends and co-workers talkin' bout 'this is my boo' and the idiot is out there trying to run game on other women. I pray that these brand of trifling men will never be my portion abeg, I can surely do bad all by myself. Mchewwwwww...

I am sooo over trying to extend MYSELF for anyone when half the time they aint even thinking about me. This one includes friends kwa. Uh uh, you be trying to do and be there for people but when time comes, aint no one really thinking about you like that. I see how it bes sha o, and me kwa I don dey shine my eye. Nsogbu a diro.

I am sooo over my pressed a-s-s senior getting on my everloving nerves. He's lucky it's a recession because I am this close to chewing his head off. Abi hin never see Igbo craze before? Chain-smoking micki fricki like him. In fact I wonder if I can claim an allergic reaction to second hand smoke just to avoid working with him in the future. Nonsense and Crayfish!

I am sooo over mofos saying things like 'I know you'. Fool please! You don't know me, so kindly fall back with that over familiarity before I kerk out on your a-s-s. The heck? You don't even know how that comment irritates the mess out of me. 'I know you ke'. You better go and know your mother o. Shuoooooo!

I am sooo over the stupid woman in my apartment building who insists on hogging that one parking spot right in front of the building. It is obvious that she has lost her everlovind mind sha o. Abi I no sabi who send am to buy 2 Mercedez benz but let me tell you what this foolish woman likes to do. She has a black benz and a white benz so when she wants to take the black benz out, she will go and pull the white benz right behind it, hop in the black benz and pull it out and then get back out and hop in the white benz to park it in the spot. She does this unfailingly EVERY DAY. I swear, one day I will slash her tires if she continues to piss me off some more or leave her a mean note telling her exactly what I think of her pressed foolishness. Abi she never own fine car before? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. *WOOF*

I am sooo over people whining that I don't call them. Seriously, just STFU. Last time I checked, it wasn't like you were blowing up my phone either. It takes 2 to do this communication thing, dude. Ugh!

I am sooo over my Ghetto neighbours driving up into the complex and blasting music at 2a.m. in the morning. How inconsiderate is that? I am convinced that some individuals walking around on planet earth seriously lack brain cells and if these mofos continue to try me ehnnnnnnnnn, dem go hia wiiiii. In fact na that day wey I go show pesin say Khaki no be leather. Abi Barack Obama don start to dey climb on top Molue? Foolish stuvvings indeed!

*Errrrm that's all I can think of for now*

See? Ranting is good for the soul. I actually do feel better now...Wooooosaaaaaah. I am a full believer in letting it all out baby! Imagine if everyone in the world continued to internalize things, I bet we would have a whole bunch of dead folk up in this piece.
I also encourage people to drink a glass of cold water when they are mad about something. In fact let me share a funny story with y'all....
I, the O.M enjoys a good argument now and then, and luckily for most...as much dishing out that I do, I can also take it. So, I went to dinner with some friends and me and one dude in the mix got into it. I mean, you could tell the guy was seriously vexing about my own point of view regarding the issue at hand. I told him...'ehn, you are vexing shey? Continue to vex o. Infact you should drink some cold water make e take cool you down small'.
As I said this, I noticed that the waiter was passing by and I said 'excuse me, may I please get a glass of water'. My friends caught on to what I was doing and started cracking up, meanwhile the dude was still there making his heated argument.
The cold water came, and I handed it right next to him and said 'Drink and coolu temper. You go dey accurate'...and he burst out laughing, the ice was broken and all was well and happy in the world.

Moral of the story= When you dey vex, drink cold water. Unfortunately for me, there was no cold water so I picked the next best thing...blogger!

The end.

Nigerians kill me when...

Ok, I love my Naija peoples and all but dang, sometimes y'all need to be called out. Identify your sin, pray for forgiveness and cease and desist from giving into temptation next time.

1. They claim to not hang out with other Nigerians: You're new in town and you want to know where the Naija hangout spots be, so you ask the nearest Nigerian and they say 'I have no idea. I don't hang out with Nigerians in this city, they talk too much' blahblahblah.
I mean I can respect that but Nigerians, y'all gotta know that there are better ways to make your point i.e 'I really have no idea, I haven't really checked out the Naija social scene...'
Plus some people really be feeling themselves thinking that folk are talking about them. Here's what I always say: People will talk about you if you give them a reason to and no, comments from your 'haters' about your shoes or the forever21 dress you rocked to the party does not count as folk talking about you. I'm just saying...
Plus for the people who lived in Nigeria, what did you do then? Hide under a rock???

2. They claim to have an eclectic taste in music yet will be the first ones to say chit like 'I don't listen to rap/hiphop: Get the fork out of here with that foolishness and while you're at it, open your dictionary and look up the meaning of the word 'eclectic'. Listening to alternative/rock/pop/white folk music doesn't automatically mean that your taste is eclectic.
I mean why do some Nigerians be feeling extra cool with that kini though? It's like all of a sudden black folk music doesn't get you in the cool kids club. I've had a couple of people comment on my taste in music as being too 'urban' and I was really like WTF? I bet my last dollar that you won't run into a white person who came upon her friend listening to some Daughtry and say 'OMG Becky, your taste in music is soo white'.
*smh*

3. Their damn jobs and career defines their very existence: I mean really, what is it with Nigerians and the pissing contest? I can't tell you how many events I've been to and I met a new individual and I can bet another dollar that within the first 5 minutes they wanna know what you do and where you work? Like damn homes, how that one take affect the price of fish in the market na?
Oh no, the convo could go like this:
Stranger: So what do you do?
Mgbeke: I'm a consultant
Stranger: Oh, so do you work for Booz, McKinsey, Deloitte, Accenture etc etc

Like what the fudge? What if I'm a friggin' consultant for McDonalds, ya know consulting with them on how tasty the fries are.
*Convo continued...

Mgbeke: No, actually I do consulting for a small non-profit organization.
Stranger: *Disinterested voice* Oh...

I know y'all feel me on this one.

4. They take this whole being 'different' thing to a whole new level: I mean, just check it. You go to the parties and see the men in all their foolishness wearing tight ass velvet blazers and sateen shirts. They trying to be different and failing miserably. Just wear your jeans and t-shirt and come have some fun.
Guys, you're toasting a chick and before you fit say 'Jack Robinson' she don told you of how she is atheist, vegetarian and not your average Nigerian chick. You know you feel me on this.
Kini big deal? If you really are 'different', you don't need to announce it. Your light will shine through.

5. They tell you to pray about everything/include religion in everything: 'I am so scared my husband is cheating on me'- Awww my sister, pray about it. God is in control.
'I think I bombed my MCATS'- Pele o. Pray about it.
Duhhhhhhhh. Don't tell me something I might not already know, but there's a reason I'm whining to you and it's not because I want you to tell me to pray about it.
And what is really hood with including religion in everything? A friend of mine once updated her FB status wondering about love and how it's complicated or something of that nature. I kid you not when I tell you that her status turned into this realllyyyyyy long thread where some chicks came in and told her to seek the love of God first before wondering about erotic love or whatever. *Blank stare*

6. Chicks be feeling extra cool about where they shop: Razz chicks indeed. When I first hit Yankee, e be laik say Express was the zone to shop. You'd hear chicks proudly boasting 'I only shop at Express', now e be like say e don turn into Bebe. Now na so so 'I only shop at Bebe, Arden B etc etc' and I just shake my head like see this bushinta. You dey carry Express and Bebe pose for the girl who is carrying her unmonogrammed Louis Vuitton bag and silently laughing at you.

7. They look down on your school and your major: Okoros and Mgbekes feeling funky because they went to Spelman/Morehouse and you went to Clark Atlanta. You proudly brag about your 4.0 GPA standing and they ask you what your major is, you say 'Early Childhood education' and they turn their noses up and tell you that when you can maintain a 4.0 in Electrical Engineering, come and open mouth.
*Ok I'm cracking up as I'm typing this one sha. LOL @ Early Childhood education, with our Naija parents ke...dem go say lai lai I aint finna spend thousands of dollars on tuition only for you study some cat damn early childhood education. LMAO. Make I no digress sha...

8. They remix their names: Rotimi= Tim. Peju= Paige. Seun- Shawn. 'Nuff said.

9. Individuals who never even siddon Yankee for 3 months don suddenly acquire Americana accent. Can I just say that it's even worse with the Jand folk? Nna ehn, you no fit talk anything to Jand folk o. I can't think of anyone I know in that Jand area wey no get Jandon accent, just dey yarn like say hot yam dey their throat. Peeps wey never settle on top Jand for even 2 weeks go dey talk 'Is it', 'Yeah', 'I fancy you'. LMAO...Infact ehn, Jand folk imma do a blog entry dedicated to y'all 'cos y'all amuse the heck out of me. Abeg no take am personal o. :D
But yah, wazzup with the sudden acquisition of an accent tho? At least Jand folk fit do am...I hear say everybody for Lagos get british accent including those wey never even cross River Naija talkess of coughing within 5 miles of an airport but you know say you no fit pull off Yankee accent any and any how. Na in peeps go dey mix Yankee accents with their Igbotic/Yorubatic accents and ultimately end up sounding like a bunch of clowns!

10. They turn their noses up at Pidgin english and act like it's razz to speak it: I go take this one personally o! In case you haven't noticed, I tend to mix pidjin english into my posts. As a Port Harcourt born and bred babe, I suppose dey blow am well well na. I'm not that fluent in my native language but I am pretty fluent in pidgin so I still claim to be bi-lingual. :-p
I have some friends with whom I pretty much interact with in mainly pidgin, so yes you might overhear us kiki-ing it up and turn your noses up and just for that, you have sinned. Ha!
Here's my take: There's a time and place for everything including speaking your language. I don't talk about you nacking Igbo in the middle of Walmart so abeg allow me yarn my yarn in peace and not pieces o jare.

....It's past my bedtime but I know there is more. Feel free to tell me yours.

Disclaimer #1: Not applicable to all Nigerians of course.
Disclaimer #2: Not neccesarily applicable to strictly Nigerians sef, but hey I had to look for a scape goat. :-)