I know, I know…it seems that everyone has been on this topic of being single, can you be single and satisfied, can you be single and happy etc etc. Vera had a talk show on it last Saturday, Tigeress blogged about it, Uchenna blogged about it, Reverence blogged about it.And for me, it’s not just a topic that I’ve been stumbling across on blogsville. A bunch of people around me have also been discussing the dynamics of the single life and what you have it. In fact, I actually went to the RCCG Young Adults & Singles Convention which was held in Baltimore last weekend and the lovely Michelle McKinney Hammond had a 2 hour session which was focused on the topic of being ‘single and satisfied’.
Side note:- I used to have this huge complex about conventions, fellowships and any event which had the word ‘single’ attached to it. I felt like to the outside eye, it would appear that we the attendees were desperate individuals going and hoping to make a love connection with other singles when it really wasn’t the case (well for me sha). However, someone pointed out to me that for such events, singles actually applies to anyone who isn’t married so relationship or not, you are single. T or F?I was also pleased to note that during this convention, a bunch of the speakers reiterated that the essence of it all wasn’t for people to come and look for husband/wife but for the singles to empower and continue to work on themselves. [/End side note]
So, as I was saying…Michelle McKinney Hammond spoke on why we should be single and satisfied. Ha! I know that is like Greek to some of us. ‘Single and satisfied ke? How is that even possible?’…I hear some of y’all asking yourselves.Ms. McKinney Hammond is 52 years old, very much single (never married and not dating anyone) and seems to be very content. She is a well known speaker and author...(check out her books at your local library or Amazon) who travels around the world giving speeches and urging us singles to focus on loving ourselves before we even start looking for someone to love us. I definitely enjoyed her speech and found myself agreeing with a whole bunch of things that she said.
As a ‘professional single’ (self proclaimed, thank you very much)…I find it very amusing yet saddening when people liken this whole business of being single to some kind of rare disease that no one wants to contract. Women remain in relationships that cause them plenty sleepless nights saying things like…‘Please o, let me stick to this man that I have as opposed to being single’.
I mean, ladies true talk…the outlook out here for single girls isn’t what it used to be and I realize that we are getting older but seriously? The man will even give her HIV and she will stick it out on the premises of… ‘I’d rather not be single’. Folk that have been in stagnant relationships that expired 10 years ago still carry on because they are scared to come back into the single gals market… ‘I don’t know where the next toaster is going to come from’, ‘If I leave this man, what if I never find another…’, ‘We have dated for 5 years, I am now 30 and my time is running out…I don’t wanna be single at 30’ etc etc. Even men sef now use the business of being single as the latest yab in town. When you talk one, they will tell you to ‘sharrap, you are not ashamed…your mates are married and you are here doing nonsense’. I no fit shout again! I won’t even go into how unmarried women seem to get no respect in Nigeria. I mean, it seems that the ultimate status symbol is having a nice big rock on your finger around those parts. No be small thing, my people.
But it’s all gravy. I can’t even knock anyone who can’t get with the concept of it being just ‘me, myself and I’ or who feels pressured by society (esp. those meddling relatives) because I used to be the kind of girl who would spend hours bemoaning the single status and wondering why all my friends were boo’ed up and I wasn’t. I would listen to my friends and their oppressive gist of vals day pampering, romantic dates and wonder when my turn was coming. I too, used to go to events in the hopes and anticipation that I would go home with at least one number and I too, used to get extra excited when any dude approached me because ‘hey! It just might be him’. Hmmm and now that I think about it, I certainly remember not kicking one foolish guy to the curb because it felt nice to have a 'someone'. Yelz o! I aint ashamed to admit it…with age comes wisdom and I didn’t become a wise woman overnight. :-)
But seriously though, like a lot of other things in my life…I slowly snapped out of that whole mentality that to be single wasn’t the business at all and I actually started enjoying ‘Me, myself and I’ and I still am enjoying it. A good number of my friends are either booed up or talking to potential dudes and I can honestly tell y’all that e no ‘consain’ me at all if them dey plural and I dey singular. As I mentioned in a previous post about happiness, I’m good yo! I’m content, I’m in a really good and happy place right now and the lack of a significant other hasn’t even crossed my mind in an effort to put a damper on my peace of mind and contentment. I dress up and go to events and my mentality on meeting dudes at these things has even turned into a one big ‘WHATEVS'…no be this area again? LOL. Make I no tok too much tori for hia but in general, I am quite amazed when people tell ME that I can not be single and happy or single and satisfied. I mean, the heck you on about? When did you turn into me that you can now decide how I choose to feel about a situation? I mean, if YOU can not be single and satisfied then na your wahala be that o. I sure as heck aint tell you what you can and can not do so free me abeg.
On some final notes…so yeah for a whole bunch of people it is hard to adjust to the concept of just you in your singular state esp. if you are so used to the idea of a ‘someone’ around you all the time but yes we can! Ms. McKinney Hammond said that before you start looking for a someone, you need to be WHOLE…a 100% individual and not a 50% chick looking for a man to complete your other 50%. A man should not complete you, he should complement you my sisters. I encourage y’all to work on getting to the ‘single and satisfied’ phase of life where you learn to completely love, enjoy and appreciate the idea of you as a solo individual and I'm very sure that if a man comes along, he will come across a self assured woman who knows that she wants him but doesn’t need him for her happiness, a self assured woman who will not hop on the next thing smoking down the aisle even if she saw warning signs from day 1 just because she feels that her time is running out. And if the man doesn’t come (because, life is not a fairytale), at least you won’t spend an entire lifetime crying and staying depressed about it because true talk, marriage/companionship will not happen for all of us...c'est la vie!
The end.
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58 comments:
True
you should be happy and satisfied before you can expect someone to make you happier.
I have learnt that even though im not single you should never take that for granted you can be single in an instant thru death divorce etc so you should always be someone independent enough to exist by yourself
I really like Ms Hammonds books, highly recommend them to any one whoes intested.
I think people place too mcuh emphasis on getting married as if it is the solution to all lifes problems. the way i see it you just exchange one set of challaenges for another when you marry.
top 3? preach it sister!!!
a man really shouldnt complete you...you should be complete and if you happen to meet a guy..good for you...then he might just compliment you.
Michelle Mc Kinney Hammond,
That woman is the truth, I always tell my friends(Single, Married or in a relationship) to read her book "The Unspoken Rules of Love, What women don't know and what men don't tell you". That book opened my eyes and I share them with a lot of pple.
The issue with being Single and not satisfied is because people don't see their state of singleness as a season; A season to maximize, a season to discover themselves, have fellowship with God, grow mentally and acquire wisdom, wealth and value. When one trully discovers their purpose in life, being Single will be the least of your problems or focus. What we should focus on is adding VALUE AND SUBSTANCE to lives, community and the world at large
Marriage takes hard work and commitment, it is not only LOVE that sustains a marriage, It is the Love of God and having God in the midst of it all, choosing whicj battles to fight and knowing that no matter what I'm not going to give up that keeps a marriage. Many people are not ready for that commitment.
At the end of the day choose to be happy whether Single or married and know that whatever state you find yourself you vare blessed to be there, therefore maximize each season.
Madam General, I'm waiting your email :)
All those women looking for 'somebody to complete me' are likely to be single and unhappy.
To make a good partner, you have to be 100% individual.
If only everybody will understand: You don't seek to 'complete', you seek to 'complement'
This is something I have to sit down and reply inula. I will be back!
Miss DM: Yep, that's a new perspective. Even after marriage, death or divorce could happen so we truly need to learn to find happiness in our solo existence.
Scarlet: Me too! I love her books, she keeps it 100% real. Yes, I too think that there is this HUGE emphasis on marriage, like marriage is the ultimate thing that can occur in our lives. I bet after the wedding sef, people be asking themselves..'now what?'
Reverence: You know I dey try preach am! :-)
Leggy: Yup, yup, yup. If I hear that 'he completes me..' or 'he is the reason for my happiness' one more time...
Dee: *Standing ovation*...I absolutely love it! My friend stays preaching about that book and I read up to chapter 3 before she carried it. I've read 'single, sassy and satisfied, '10 mistakes single women make' and 'The proverbs 31 woman'...good stuff! *thumbs up*
Totally feeling your comment my sister! Ok, you called me Madam G so you gosta know me well well...all you anon friends of mine, shoot me an email. :-D
N.I.M.M.O: Yezurrrrr! We must indeed seek to complement and not to be completed/complete. Ah, I'm only human na. Is it only complete? I just might turn into the next Ms. Hammond, just so many things I hear and I wanna start giving speeches. LOL
Nicey m: Nsogbu a diro. Balance well well and come reply.
yes you can.
Nothing to hard as a matter of fact. This make a lot of sense and yes, you can be single and happy. Yes we can, we all can.
Nice one!
I've come to realize- married folks that tend to feel superior becos of their status- are those that got married young. And even if their husband is killing dem inside the house- they'll still put their nose up. lol!! but my friends who got married lat 20's or in their 30- dont chat smack.
I heard Michelle is 52. When i heard i just 'pamed'. I mean- who am i to talk. 52, looks good, and hasnt jumped inside the lake.
Original:lol I can imagine why your friend took her book back. I too gave out my personalized copy and never got it back but then This past Birthday, a friend decided to surprise me with it since I talk about it so much lol:). When I rededicated my life to Christ and decided to include him in all aspects of my life(including the choice of who to date) that was a tough one lol, The book I read was :The Diva Principles. That was the book that changed my life, Ofcourse I have read The Power of Being a Woman, Secrets of an Irresistable Woman, yet The Diva Principles still stands out because it had me broken. You come to a place in your life where you just get tired of all the norms, status quo and expectations. That book, coupled with positioning myself in the right place helped me change my perspective.
How can you say that you want a boo, marriage,home and all and you don't have your finances together(se you want to start a family in debt ni), your apartment is a wreck(Always run out of dishwashing liquid, wear the same panties for 2 days straight), your character/ attitude stinks. I tell you until YOU fix all that needs to be fixed in your life and become content with who God has created you to be you will never be fulfilled. Even if you get married you won't be happy. What God intends is for us to be happy and content in him that way when that man comes(The man specially chosen by God)we will be assets and not liabilities. As a matter of fact ehn all women need to read Prov 31 and find out how she was able to accomplish that. She surely was not waiting for a man to come scoop her up her feet before she put her finances in order, have a good character and start a business
" Even men sef now use the business of being single as the latest yab in town. When you talk one, they will tell you to ‘sharrap, you are not ashamed…your mates are married and you are here doing nonsens."
OMG. I almost choked on my food. LMAOOOO.
But true talk my dear. I am actually kinda enjoying being single. I've had the greatest epiphanies, worked tirelessly on myself and fine tuned my life plans! Ahhh! It feels awesome to be selfish and only think about me for a bit :).
Relationships can be so stressful. Not to say I don't want to be in one..but I know, from experience, how taxing they can be. Not sure I have the physical or mental wherewithal to put up with it at the mo' :-/
Big up to all my thirsty chicks that chase dudes and drag them down the aisle...or stay in expired relationships. Give yourselves two pats on the back followed by a round of applause. You guys try.
Preach!
Some relationships people are in...Hmmm...I think it would be better to be single than to be in such relationships! And my answer to people that say 'Oh she's this age and that age and she's not married.' is 'Give her the husband now!'
Preach on sista!
You have got to love and respect urself, b4 someone else can!
i'm with u jare!
LOVING me ,myself and i
Being single and satisfied is definitely a plus in the DMV area, considering the amazingly large number of male miscreants we have running loose.
Lol, no really though.The "me+him+little-me-and-hims" years are going to be stretch until death do us part so I'm definitely content to enjoy my "me" years while they last!
You shd have been on Vera's show last wk my sister, differnet people chatting absolute smack on the matter.
To each his own jare.
lol @ rare form of disease!
One thing that I have come to understand about marriage is that no one will be able to make you happy if you aren't already happy with your life. Contentment is everything!
We all want that love that feels amazing. The love we are all willing to work tooth and nail for. The love that keeps you together and brings children into this world but not everyone is going to have that.
People have problems when they feel the need to have a man complete them. So many people are so into the whole MRS thing that they over look the very important things that matter. so many what ifs but at the end of the day. we all pray to live a life worthy of God's glory. A life that leaves an impact on people around us. With or without a husband.
Preach it o my sister!
If I marry, Thank God.
if I dont marry, THANK God.
Abi?
lool
i like a lot..
my dear ive been there, infact let me not lie to myself..i am there right now. Tired of being single and all this nonsense boys disturbing, its easier said than done to be alone and celibate and think its all peachy but your right...all good things come in time and i am sure one day he will come but till then...ME myself and I sounds pretty good :)
so yeah for a whole bunch of people it is hard to adjust to the concept of just you in your singular state esp. if you are so used to the idea of a ‘someone’ around you all the time but yes we can!
Ahh I was actually gonna do a post on this portion right here - inspired by a friend. I still might. But yeah preach on babes *snap snap*
Being single and learning how to be one with yourself trumps being a liability(emotional, financial, psychological etc) to yourself and some man.
amen amen!
You have spoken the truth-
Come to think of it..isnt being single and happy even better off than all of the shackles some relationships bring along with them?
I love me and i love the fact that im not answerable to anyone except my God and folks and thats not to imply im not a focused or responsible grown man..when the time is right, will climb up the tree to pluck my own apple...
I am still waiting for yankee nigerians post FYI
I've been to one of MMH's conventions. She's a really good speaker. Have a few of her books too.
"someone pointed out to me that for such events, singles actually applies to anyone who isn’t married so relationship or not, you are single. T or F?" That's my understanding too.
"all my single ladies, now put your hands UP!" lol i loveddddddddddddddddddd this! Im single and PROUD JOOOO!!!
word! so on point i swear.
love the complete/complement part.
Thankfully it's becoming more acceptable to be single and loving it. There is still some pressure though from parents and others when you start reaching that "marriageable age." I heard about that RCCG thing my church paid for those who wanted to go.
I concur!
YES! You can be single and be happy...it's all a state of the mind and it's all drawn down to never allowing anybody to dictate to you what happiness should be.
Nice one
xx
first time here,nice blog
Don't c a problem with being single and satisfied, tho sometimes u might start asking yourself y?
The one I don't understand is married ladies looking down their noses at unmarried ones.
What's up with that?
Being a complete person by yourself surely does make for a relationship that is whole and fulfilling.
hmmmmmmm
I see your point but I am still not convinced. Human beings are naturallly made to want companionship. That is the truth. Now its entirely possible to be happy and single. I am single now...and I am as happy as I am ever going to get (I am naturally UNhappy, hehehehe). But my point is that something is missing. I need loads and loads of shagging and since my ass is now a christian, I must have a man to complete this aspect of my life. Bottom line is that, Life is easier with a partner...errr a good, and loving partner. But that doesnt mean that its impossible to be happy and single...its just not expedient. Let me go before I people bite my head off.
and oh, no one can look down their nose at you, without your consent.
Ms. McKinney Hammond speaks the truth. You definitely need to work on you as a whole before engaging in a duet. Yup somebody to complement and not complete.
One of my close friends is an absolute idiot when it comes to this topic, his a typical example of the men you mentioned he says exactly the same thing ‘sharrap, you are not ashamed…your mates are married and you are here doing nonsense’. Or he will say something like be doing big girl there o, Nonsense...AARGHHH!!
I keep trying to explain, i'm happy now, just be happy for me..LOL (i think i understand he is a lost cause though)
True talk my sister.
So out of curiosity is 'Michelle McKinney Hammond' in any way related to 'Fred Hammond'??
Ready or not...Single or married...if thou are not satisfied with thineself...aint no way thou'd be satisfied with thineself + 1...It irks me when i hear women say things like "i can't be without a man." Or "You must get married soon...clock's ticking, you know.." and "..you know for women productivity is finite..." That one takes the bizkit! Why hurry into this biznes of "being with someone" despite the obvious madness of the marra then be the person running for the nearest exit, screaming like a Banshee, cursing the day you met the blighter...I'm happier single...i don't want to be but it sure beats being a relationship that's both stupid and unhealthy.
please cue Bey in the back ground.....now put your hands up...o o o oo o o o o..lol
single and satisfied you say?? so i shouldnt send the sugar daddy guy your way ba? that wld spoil your rep shey? still sending him anyway..
at least you didnt throw in the "single and ready to mingle" line with this. you know what i like very much about this post,is the contentment i detect...it comes off rather real, esp since alot of gals who claim that they are hapily single are LIARS, take them to a mingle mingle party or a nija wedding and see how content they are then...
like i always say to people, you can't wait for someone to complete you, if you are not complete yourself....as much as everyone claims they know this...somtimes it ain't so easy in practice...looks like u got it tho. stay awesome!
Tara: And you know it!
Standtall: Yes we all can, single and happy, married and happy as long as we aren't basing our happiness on the next person.
Tigeress: Yes o, all those women who turn their noses up. Na them sabi, wetin consain me with their yeyerisms. For real, Michelle should be an inspiration to us all.
Dee: I am absolutely loving your responses. True talk, we as individuals need to work on the 'little' things. Is your money looking right? Are you able to take care of your home as a single woman? What is your attitude like? Marriage/Companionship is work and you wanna be kinda set before you embark on anything. I need to read that Diva principle. Thanks lady!
Mocha: LMAO, no choke ooo before my 'NIG' comes and jacks me. Gotta love it, epiphanies and all. :-D
Tis truly the time to work on one's self and just enjoy the simplicity of life. If we get married, we finna have to give most of the things that we currently take for granted up for a lifetime.
LadyX: You dey mind those peeps? When they come and tell me ish I say...'ah, when you have refused to introduce me to your fine brothers and cousins, how won't I be single?'..LOL!
Chayoma: Yes to the Loving me, myself and I movement. It's not rocket science but seems to be pretty hard for some folk.
Anon: LMAO @ male miscreants. Nna mennn, DMV guys are on another level. And I feel you! I remember when my dad stayed with me for a bit and I'd come home from a long day of work and start prepping his dinner...I was like ah, I guess this will be what married life will be like? I'm not ready. LOL
MizChif: So I heard ooo, I wish I had called it with my opinionated self. Ha Ha Ha.
Nicey m: I like this balancing wey you come balance o. Preach it!
'So many people are so into the MRS thing that they overlook...' word up! No be small overlooking, our generation is gonna have a bunch of problematic marriages if we keep this up.
Oh and as per the yankee Nigerians...I have retired from my trouble making ways. LMAO.
FaboLa: My sister, either way we shall thank God, continue to be happy and live life and love life! :-)
UnWritten: Good luck with that, true talk it is not easy but yes you can! Find that self contentment and I hope that he comes when the time is right for you. :-)
48: Please do a post, I look forward to reading. May we all be assets and not liabilities...amin!
Kmplx: AMin!
Trybes: Yes o cos some relationships be causing people sleepless nights and ish, abeg o! I trust that you are a responsible man, keep on doing what you do and when you pluck that apple send us the invite. :-D
Repressed: Yeah, first time hearing her. Loved it. I dey observe some books on Amazon...I definitely wanna add her to the library.
Ebony: *Hands up*...LOL. Single and proud baby, when anyone tries to chat smack to you put 'em in their place o jare.
Rene: Thank you ma'am. Let 'em know the difference. :-)
Suru: There will always be pressure from society, we just gotta learn how to tune them all out. It will happen if it is meant to happen.
SassyTrends: Happiness is truly a state of mind, man or woman should not determine anyone's happiness. Thanks missy!
Muyiwa: Thank you sirrrr.
OmoCalabar: Hmmm, ah well...
Enkay: mayne the thing weak me o. You are doing your thing and they are looking down at you because they are wearing matching outfit with their husband. LOL, no be small thing my sister.
Temite: LOL, no one is biting your head off. It's always interesting to get another perspective. I get your point but imagine if the man never comes, are you going to live the rest of your life feeling like something is missing?
Gochi: LOL @ your friend. Some people really do not get it. In fact some people will read this blog post and scoff at it thinking that I am just consoling myself. I tire to explain to people o jare...think what you will. Ha!
LusciousRon: Yes o, my sister.
RocNaija: Ya know, someone else asked me that. I have no idea...I will google it.
aeedeeaeee: Please help me tell 'em. LOL @ running like a banshee. If I had my way, I would stop women from walking down the aisle with the next toaster because 'time is running out'. Screw the relatives and people who choose to remind you that your time is running out, na them sabi. And who said 30 is the cut-off age? I just weak!
Culshureeeee: Cue the Bey song. (I hate that song BTW), Please o I still need the sugar D, rent gosta be paid and I want some vacays in the Bahamas. Who says I have to date him, he can just be financing my habits for FREE. LMAO!
Hahaha @ mingle mingle, they had some kind of event like that recently. LOL @ discontent women, true that it is easier said than done but I hope that it happens for all of us o...as in being content, happy and fulfilled as a solo being. You don scarce oooo, this babe!
What kept me returning to your blog was your HP collection. but it also seems you've caught this single bug. Hope you'll be on the radio show?
Loved this post girl!! Doing my first real blog round in like forever and this is the first blog i stopped on...and m glad to be back!!
Preach it girl...my,myself&I is good and happy!!Self-love is important!!
I hear you about not doing that post. I read the other yesterday and folks weren't having none of it. LOL
I forgot to add that we should all strive to be with men that understand what it means to have a good woman! So they should have experience when it comes to the things of the heart so they can appreciate a good thing when they see one. Most times these dudes acting stupid is because they don't know any better and think if I can find someone this nice? then someone nicer is out there. Vice versa as well.
preach my dear. true story
Can't even add anything so, I'll just join the congregation and say "Amen".
lovely post...
if u are not happy or satisfied as a single person..marriage will not change that in anyway.
here's to all the single and satisfied people in da house!!!!
Human beings are compulsively self-serving (or so I think), so I don't think anyone can make you happy, if you can't be happy on your own.
I'm definitely happier when I'm single. It's not like I've been in a proper LOVE relationship ( smart enough to figure I could have sex without going through the rigors of a relationship. *wink wink*). Dated someone for a few weeks recently and it was kinda CHOKING. Being with me works for ME!
I'm not against people who think THEY can only be happy when they are married or in a relationship. But I can't stand the prejudices again single people (especially ladies), though I'm kinda guilty.
You're on point - as ALWAYS.
HEAR HEAR!
I think that everyone is a little different. If you stay re-taking the same course in college, it will make you want to drop out or get a tutor to apss the class the next time around. If you stay being single, it may make you unhappy or teach you the lesson of being content and satisfied.
Yes we should be happy and comfortable in our skin, but sometimes doing the single ladies beyonce dance is a defense mechanism. I think we have this perception of ladies who openly bemoan their single state as being desperate for a man when it may not always be the case. And so in order not to be put in that box we throw our hands up to the single ladies dance.
At the end of the day, it's how you shoose to see things.
pls excuse my typos. I meant pass not apss, and choose not shoose. my keyboard is dyslexic lol
Myne: Yes I will definitely try to tune in for the 30, single and accomplished show.
Shona: Welcome back Ms. lady. I am glad you enjoyed this, self love is truly important my sister. I hope you are around to stay?
Nicey m: I 100% feel you my sister. Most of these men feel that they have options that is why they act stupid. It is pretty ridiculous!
BSNC: My dia, I dey try preach am.
SolomonSydelle: Amen again. LOL
ALoted: Ya know! That's what I'm trying to say. Here's to all of us indeed. :)
Olu: See ya head, committment free sex will get old after a while (I think) so hurry up and wife one of these wimmens up so that I can come and eat rice at ya wedding. :-D
But I hear you bros! Thanks.
Burrax: We are hearing o! LOL
Anon: I hear you but this isn't about taking jabs at people who bemoan their single status, this is more about people who don't think that they can find happiness if a man isn't in the mix or people who need a man to 'complete them'...I'm just saying, being single aint as terrible as society tries to make it out and like you said, in the end it's all about how we choose to see things.
Ah wellz...
You said it all my sister, if only many females could think like you. You are definitely on the right track in life. You will meet the perfect one for you...stay blessed.
nicely written
Michelle McKinney Hammond made the difference in my life.After reading her books, that was when I felt I was ready to enter into a relationship.
hmmmmmmm I see your point but I am still not convinced. Human beings are naturallly made to want companionship. That is the truth. Now its entirely possible to be happy and single. I am single now...and I am as happy as I am ever going to get (I am naturally UNhappy, hehehehe). But my point is that something is missing. I need loads and loads of shagging and since my ass is now a christian, I must have a man to complete this aspect of my life. Bottom line is that, Life is easier with a partner...errr a good, and loving partner. But that doesnt mean that its impossible to be happy and single...its just not expedient. Let me go before I people bite my head off.
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