The Splitting Etiquette and other Money-Related Musings

The other day, I hung out with a couple of coworkers. We went to this spot for happy hour, during which 2 of the girls ordered steaks and a couple of the guys ordered plenty plenty drinks including 2 rounds of shots for the whole table. Me I jejely respected my small appetite for that night and ordered a side of fries and 2 drinks on the happy hour menu...which came out to about $18. So tell me why at the end of the night, when that almost $400 bill came, the girls casually threw out the "Do you guys just wanna do an even split?" and I had to give them the slow blink like...NAWL. I mean, that proposed even split was going to be like $45 a person, a whole $27 difference from my original bill. Nope. Nah. Nawl. Can I list all the things that an extra $27 in my pocket can do for me? Oooh let me count the ways:

1. Go thrifting and pick up like 6 baffs. Looking like a bag of money without spending a bag of money, Kimon!
2. A fresh to death pedi
3. Bunch of stuff I don't need from my beloved Target
4. 1.5 tubes of MAC lipsticks (since them clowns raised lipstick prices to $16 now), or like 5 NYX lipsticks...even better yet, an entire collection of Wet 'n' Wild lipsticks.

Errr....need I go on?

I could sense that the girls weren't exactly feeling my response, because there was some talk and mumbling of “I totally understand and wouldn't want folks to carry additional costs that they didn't incur but I really dislike the process of manually calculating everybody’s individual costs”. Eziokwu? Who are we forming for here kwanu? I mentally yimu’ed at alladat and continued to sip my drink. If I had wanted a steak, I would have ordered one but please please, $45 for some basic ass french fries and 2 drinks on the happy hour menu is plain ridiculousness. Meanwhile, on the other hand, one of those guys was pained at the idea of having to pay for his individual costs of the million drinks that he ordered for himself because according to him, “It should have been a split since he and one other guy bought 2 rounds of shots for the table”. I literally choked at that. Na who send am to buy shots for the table kwanu? Yimu on a hundred thousand trillion bro.  

Hey, maybe some thoughts of “see this cheapskate” or “Dang, just an extra $27…not that serious sis” crossed some minds but in the end, we paid for our individual purchases and all lived happily ever after. No lele.

So here's my stance on splitting: I’m not anti a reasonable even split if it falls into a very reasonable range but camaaan guys, I ain't finna pay almost $30 more than what I actually spent in the name of your convenience or me looking like it's no biggie, when it actually is. I just think that when presented with situations like that, there is no shame and game in speaking up. Worst case, you won’t be invited to the next planned outing at some expensive Steakhouse because folks think that you’re cheap, but in the end, your money remains in your pocket and you’ll be all the happier for that. 

Please, if you're one of those #teamsplit, abeg do it within reason or do it with people who won't blink at an additional $30 tacked ontop their bill. It's also really annoying when you #teamsplit huff and puff at people who aren't down for the split like they are cheap. Not cool, darlings. 

In other musings....
Recently, there was that big hullabaloo around Simi (Dr. Sid’s fiancé) and her Vegas Bachelorette party that happened but aint really happen. Some folks on Twitter were mad, talking about “why would she plan a party in Vegas and put all that pressure on her friends to attend from Naija” and my response to that is: Why not? I believe that everybody is entitled to their dream destination location for any event that they plan to host, and I am also entitled to say no if my budget doesn’t agree with it. I am all for traveling and would try my best to attend a fabuloso destination wedding in some exotic zones but if tickets to your exotic location are out of my range, then it will have to be a no. By the time I spend like 2 grand on a ticket, how much will I now spend on food, a hotel, transportation etc etc? It will have to be an automatic decline, sorry. I think that all the drama surrounding Simi and her supposedly failed Bachelorette getaway could have been avoided if those flaky friends had simply said “Babe, Vegas sounds awesome but I won’t be able to make it because I can't afford it”. It could have been that simple, and awon "Sidney and I have excommunicated you" could have been avoided, but dah wellz. 

If more people weren't shy to decline or say no to things that are not in their budget, things would be so much simpler. If you're my people, I will do my best to show up and show out for you, and my peoples definitely gotta know that I'm no cheapskate by any means but I have my limits for everything and when things are out of my limit or just not on my radar, then it ain't happening. That's how some guy recently invited me to his upcoming cookout and asked me to bring a bottle of Ciroc or Grey Goose...I said "you mean those $50 drinks? You have serious jokes sha" and he quickly backtracked on some "Just bring whatever you can afford". As it should be! No be small Ciroc or Grey Goose like say I be P.Diddy. Na me dey host the cookout? 

Abeg no long thing for here. The moral of this entire cool tale is...Just say no. It won't kill you and it most certainly will not kill your wallet.

The end. 

On Lessons Learned, Being his Plan A, and Consolation Prizes

Lessons Learned

A couple of years ago, I experienced the closest thing to heartbreak when a guy who I really really liked did me some serious levels of “Negro you aint right!”...as in on some serious “see finish” levels. Prior to my experience with Mr. Heartbreak hotel, I had the bad habit of blaming myself or thinking that there was something wrong with me when interactions and dealings between me and various men didn't go as planned. But with this guy, one thing I knew for sure was that I was the best person that I could have been to him. I liked him a lot, and so I did the most for him because I truly wanted to do these things and in the end, he dropped me like a hot bag of charcoal for some chick that he ended up with.

The experience with this “heartbreak hotel” dude was a learning experience for me. For one, I learned that if I like a guy, I have no problem extending myself to do stuff for him. Not because, I’m campaigning to be considered as 50 yards of wife material, but because it’s something that I actually want to do. Secondly, I learned to stop blaming myself for anything. After being dropped like hot charcoal, I experienced and went through a variety of emotions but blaming myself was not one of the above. Matter of fact, it hit me like “wow, I was all that and a bag of chips, and he aint appreciate it?? You aint about that life bro!”. Thanks to that experience, I learned that I can be all that AND sometimes it's not me, its them.
Last but not least, I learned that as a woman, if you like swing over chandeliers and do gymnastics on the ceiling for a man, if he’s going to NEXT your azz, then he will do it. If you like cook him 3 course meals every day, make your mother’s secret recipe style of pepper soup for him when he’s sick in bed with the flu, if he no want you, then he no want you. If you like, “be there” for him when he needs to talk, rant, and get things off his shoulder, nothing for you if the guy no get plans for you. I put myself out there for Mr. Heartbreak Hotel but I found out that I was never in his original game plan, because he had another chick in mind all along as his plan A and I was just a “hold this one till I get the main one”  to him. Tough life.

Plan A vs.Plan B, C, D

This leads me to the next point. Per my theory, most men have their first draft picks (Plan A) and then plan B, C, D. A woman might put all her eggs in her plan A basket, but a man will have all his backup plans lined up. I once dated a guy who I can say was one of the best and most attentive/caring booskis that a girl could ask for. The only problem was that early on in our relationship, I discovered that I could never have held a torch to his plan A…a girl that he had loved for many many years. In fact, after I found out about her and quickly terminated the relationship, he told me that while he felt that we had potential, and I terminated things way too abruptly, he wanted to thank me for opening his eyes to the reality of the situation. Today, they are married and live in neverneverland. Like I said, I could never have held a torch to that woman. Or there was the confused one aka Mr. Confused who wanted to start something up with me and gave me this really cool tale about how he was done with some other chick… “she’s not wifey material. She’s too Americanized. She’s too this and that”. I mean, he always seemed quite obsessed with talking about this chick and her so-called faults sef so I wasn’t even taking his yarns seriously. Then 3 weeks later, he calls me up and tells me that he and ol’ girl had a talk and they are giving things another go. I said oh? Okay na. Fast forward 1.5 years later, they are also married in their own neverneverland. Potential plan B situation averted.

Let’s not talk about the various wedding websites that I’ve seen and I be reading the stories and mapping the timelines like ummm wasn’t this kneegro dating this other XYZ chick around this time frame? What can I say? Men definitely be keeping their options open.

Consolation Prizes
If I had a dollar for each time that a man offered me a “consolation prize”, I would be stacking paper. For instance, after I got over Mr. Heartbreak, we got to a point where we could relate on cordial terms, and one day he told me… “but you know you are a catch right?”…and mentally I was like Oh yeah? I am a catch, yet you dropped me real fast and was parading around town with the new girl within weeks? Boy bye!”. Or the time I was talking to Mr. Confused and he told me that if it hadn't been his wife, I would have been the one with the ring. LMAO. Am I here for these consolation prizes?
I have met quite a number of men who washed me and said “you are different”, “you are this” and “you are that” yet never stepped their game up with me AND then moved on to other women (and married them for the most part) so umm really, in the words of our dear ol’ Sweet Brown… “aint nobody got time for that!”. All these consolation prizes are just cheap words and don’t mean anything to me if I’m not a man’s plan A and number 1 choice. If I can quote one of my favorite songs from Marina and the Diamonds… “I’d rather walk alone than play a supporting role, if I can’t get a starring role”. All I’m saying is that I don’t need consolation prizes 'cos they don't mean anything to me and they don't validate my existence. Give me a starring role so that I know that it’s real.

In summary, when it comes to matters concerning the menfolk, I don’t even try to pretend to understand anything. Thanks to various experiences and the like, I've reached a point in my life where I take these matters at face value. Words are just words, nothing to get excited over. Actions are becoming cheap too. Heck, he might take me to the meet the parents and introduce me to his entire neighborhood, but to me, that don’t mean anything. Like my friend says…if we walk down the aisle, then I know that it’s live and direct. In the meantime, the numero uno lesson that I've learned when dealing with the menfolk is = be yourself. Sure, we are all imperfect beings and a work in progress, so work on whatever it is that you need to work on for YOUR own self-improvement, and not so that Chinedu will consider you to be wifey material. If doing XYZ is in your nature, then do XYZ…and if it aint, then don’t even try to fake it for anybody. 

And that is all she said.

Musings on Death

My eldest sister passed away in 2005. I remember that period very clearly…it was right around the final exams period and my parents didn't want to tell me because they wanted me to focus on my exams. However I noticed that during that period, I started getting random “check-in” calls from family friends, and even my family. They were trying to gauge from the tone of my voice whether I had heard the news. I was living in complete oblivion and carrying on with my life. I lived in that state of unawareness for about a week after her death until one day a family friend called me and left a voice mail where he basically sobbed and said he was so sorry to hear about my sister’s death. And that was how I found out that my eldest sister had died.

That was the first death for us as a family unit, and for the longest time I used to comfort myself with the hope that my eldest sister had basically "taken one for the team" and God wouldn’t be so unkind as to break any of our hearts with another untimely death. These days I’m not too sure about that. God can break your heart anyway that he wants, and it's all meant to be according to his will/he has a reason for doing so. Please note that I am not assuming a tone of defiance here, I'm just saying it as it appears to be. I don't get the reason behind these things when they occur, but ah well.

In June or maybe July of 2011, there was a death that somehow or the other affected at least one person whom I knew. Five people died in a fiery car crash on their way back from a wedding in Anambra state. Two of the victims were the bride’s brother and sister, and the other two were the bride’s best friend/Maid of Honor and an American coworker/friend (who was visiting Nigeria for the first time ever and apparently was an only child). A whole bunch of people knew the deceased siblings, and the bride’s best friend was supposed to be my one of my friends’ roommate and partner-in-crime at Harvard Business School. They had met during the interview process and formed a fast friendship. My friend and the bestie/roomie/MOH were even meant to go on an Eurotour, which was scheduled for a few weeks after her death. To make it even sadder, the poor girl died a few days before her birthday. News of this very unfortunate and fatal car accident travelled far and wide. Even my mother and sister were talking about it. The whole thing made me step back and think…like why Lord? Why would he be so unkind as to take 2 children from a woman? One child is bad enough, but 2?? Why would you let 5 people perish in such a terrible way? Why would you wipe out a girl's brother, sister AND best friend too, like dayum. What about the American parents who lost their only child? How were they even supposed to try to deal with such horrible news? They say that God has a reason for everything…what was God’s reason for this car accident? Everybody had incredible stories about how these victims were young, bright, smart, and ready to take on life so why would it all be snuffed short like poof? They say that we should not question God in situations like that, but I beg to differ. Are we supposed to sit back and take whatever comes our way without asking a few questions? Why can’t we ask God why?
In the light of that tragedy, I was like na wa o. If God can allow a woman’s 2 children to perish in one fell swoop, what makes me or my other family members special? My big sister might have died, but that doesn’t mean that the rest of us get an automatic pass to live till ripe old ages.

And then yesterday, there was the fresh tragedy that is the Dana Airlines plane crash. I've been in a very somber mood since I heard the news. In fact, when I initially heard about that crash, I had a bad feeling about it. I said, with the 2 degrees of separation that most Nigerians have, we are guaranteed to be directly or indirectly affected by the crash. I have lost family friends in the 3 most recent crashes that occurred in Nigeria and I was filled with a sense of trepidation about this one. It's as if I knew…
As I perused the manifest, I say a familiar name and I said it’s a lie! Not him! Not my childhood friend who was my next door neighbor. His sister and I were childhood besties, and he and my brother were also pretty close. We literally were always at each other’s houses, we played together, our older sisters were homies and in general, our families were quite intertwined. Not him! He was like a brother when we were growing up, so seeing his name on that manifest and later confirming the news on BBM really left me in low spirits. The even more messed up thing about the situation is that his father was just buried last month, and now him? My God, I can’t even imagine how his mother and siblings must feel, if I feel this level of sadness. And of course, I had questions. I asked God why. Why would you let this happen? Why would you bestow such tragedy on a family in the space of barely 2 months. Once again, fresh perspective that neither me nor my family members are any special.

There were stories of victims in the crash that really struck a chord within me. There was a pastor and his wife…leaving 3 young children behind. I heard about an entire family…husband, wife, the wife’s mother, their 3 children, and 2 cousins. There were 2 sisters who flew in from the States to attend a wedding, There was somebody’s father, There was a girl who was supposed to be getting married to my friend's cousin this coming August etc etc. As I heard these stories, my heart sank all over again and I asked God why. Why would he allow an entire family to be wiped out? Poof. Just like that. What is the reason behind that? I struggle to understand. The pastor and his wife nko, why didn’t God protect his own? Again, why should parents lose their 2 daughters just like that? Why did 153 people die in such a senseless death? So many questions…
And then the thought of what those people's last moments must have been like just gives me the chills. Especially those little children. Father Lord!

I don’t believe that every death is meant to be, or that it was their time. I don’t believe that all those peoples’ lives were meant to end yesterday. I don’t know why it happened, and I don’t have any answers to my questions so I will continue to muse and throw a few questions here and there.
In the meantime, the world keeps turning and life goes on. Yesterday, Twitter was ablaze with news of the crash, today we have moved on to tweeting about the same ol' things that we tweeted about before Sunday, June 3rd. Even for the families that must be going through some gut wrenching grief, life goes on and the world keeps turning.

Ultimately, the lesson that I take away from all these tragedies is that we may pray to God and ask for his mercies but ultimately, he has the final say. I mean, they say that his mercies keep us, but the ones that died nko? Were they undeserving of his mercies? Again, so many questions and zero answers. Well, until my timely or untimely death comes, I continue to be thankful that I can see another day. Like my sister said to me yesterday; God gives, and God takes. Until he takes, may I continue to enjoy the gift of life and not take it for granted, amen.

To the 153+ people who lost their lives yesterday, may your souls continue to rest in perfect peace. Amen. To the families that they left behind, I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel right now. I've been very subdued since the incident, so you must feel a million times worse than I do. Please take heart. To friends and coworkers, stay strong people. Sigh.

Long Post Alert

What in the world is a 'Long post alert' and why are we now alerting people in advance and issuing disclaimers when we want to write epistles on our blogs?
Is it that people in this day and age have forgotten how to read? I mean, I be reading some posts and the corresponding comments and folk be in there talkin' bout 'Wow, this was such a long post'....shuoooo. And e be like say this thing is a new thing. I've been a blog stalker for a minute now and them older bloggers used to let it roll with the long posts and epistles and I never saw disclaimers like *Long post alert*, neither did I see commenters talkin' bout 'whoaaa. Long post, I will be back to read'

Reading is FUNdamental peoples. I mean, blogger is a place for folk to read and write so why should the so-called long posts scare you off? Why should we as bloggers be letting folk know in advance that the post finna be long? Is the essence of this to tell the ADHD peoples not to even bother reading the rest of the post once they see the disclaimer? Or are we apologizing in advance for a post that kept you reading for 1-2 extra minutes? I don't quite get it...
If you don't want to read and are on blogger to strictly look at pictures, then hop on over to the fashion blogs/gossip blogs/video bloggers and allow man pikin o jare.

That's why I like that troublemaker called Culture Cynic with her friggin' epistles and long tales. I mean ol' girl can raaaambleee but I actually loves it sha :-p. She sabi go on and on and she makes no apologies for it, those who wan read go read, and those who lose interest after the 2nd paragraph no go read. No disclaimers there...(save for one. Teeheehee)

Aniwoos na the matter wey I dey ponder on o, and I blogs it as I observes it. And abeg before pesin comes and accuses me of 'ranting', as I typeth I am listening to my Lily Allen album (Great album BTW) and sipping on my H2O. I just dey cool like a freezer, just dey chill like chili, dey maintain to sustain like a plantain. No be me again? Abeg o, nurrin do me!

I hail una!