Monday, June 30, 2014

The Splitting Etiquette and other Money-Related Musings

The other day, I hung out with a couple of coworkers. We went to this spot for happy hour, during which 2 of the girls ordered steaks and a couple of the guys ordered plenty plenty drinks including 2 rounds of shots for the whole table. Me I jejely respected my small appetite for that night and ordered a side of fries and 2 drinks on the happy hour menu...which came out to about $18. So tell me why at the end of the night, when that almost $400 bill came, the girls casually threw out the "Do you guys just wanna do an even split?" and I had to give them the slow blink like...NAWL. I mean, that proposed even split was going to be like $45 a person, a whole $27 difference from my original bill. Nope. Nah. Nawl. Can I list all the things that an extra $27 in my pocket can do for me? Oooh let me count the ways:

1. Go thrifting and pick up like 6 baffs. Looking like a bag of money without spending a bag of money, Kimon!

2. A fresh to death pedi
3. Bunch of stuff I don't need from my beloved Target
4. 1.5 tubes of MAC lipsticks (since them clowns raised lipstick prices to $16 now), or like 5 NYX lipsticks...even better yet, an entire collection of Wet 'n' Wild lipsticks.

Errr....need I go on?

I could sense that the girls weren't exactly feeling my response, because there was some talk and mumbling of “I totally understand and wouldn't want folks to carry additional costs that they didn't incur but I really dislike the process of manually calculating everybody’s individual costs”. Eziokwu? Who are we forming for here kwanu? I mentally yimu’ed at alladat and continued to sip my drink. If I had wanted a steak, I would have ordered one but please please, $45 for some basic ass french fries and 2 drinks on the happy hour menu is plain ridiculousness. Meanwhile, on the other hand, one of those guys was pained at the idea of having to pay for his individual costs of the million drinks that he ordered for himself because according to him, “It should have been a split since he and one other guy bought 2 rounds of shots for the table”. I literally choked at that. Na who send am to buy shots for the table kwanu? Yimu on a hundred thousand trillion bro.  

Hey, maybe some thoughts of “see this cheapskate” or “Dang, just an extra $27…not that serious sis” crossed some minds but in the end, we paid for our individual purchases and all lived happily ever after. No lele.

So here's my stance on splitting: I’m not anti a reasonable even split if it falls into a very reasonable range but camaaan guys, I ain't finna pay almost $30 more than what I actually spent in the name of your convenience or me looking like it's no biggie, when it actually is. I just think that when presented with situations like that, there is no shame and game in speaking up. Worst case, you won’t be invited to the next planned outing at some expensive Steakhouse because folks think that you’re cheap, but in the end, your money remains in your pocket and you’ll be all the happier for that. 

Please, if you're one of those #teamsplit, abeg do it within reason or do it with people who won't blink at an additional $30 tacked ontop their bill. It's also really annoying when you #teamsplit huff and puff at people who aren't down for the split like they are cheap. Not cool, darlings. 

In other musings....
Recently, there was that big hullabaloo around Simi (Dr. Sid’s fiancĂ©) and her Vegas Bachelorette party that happened but aint really happen. Some folks on Twitter were mad, talking about “why would she plan a party in Vegas and put all that pressure on her friends to attend from Naija” and my response to that is: Why not? I believe that everybody is entitled to their dream destination location for any event that they plan to host, and I am also entitled to say no if my budget doesn’t agree with it. I am all for traveling and would try my best to attend a fabuloso destination wedding in some exotic zones but if tickets to your exotic location are out of my range, then it will have to be a no. By the time I spend like 2 grand on a ticket, how much will I now spend on food, a hotel, transportation etc etc? It will have to be an automatic decline, sorry. I think that all the drama surrounding Simi and her supposedly failed Bachelorette getaway could have been avoided if those flaky friends had simply said “Babe, Vegas sounds awesome but I won’t be able to make it because I can't afford it”. It could have been that simple, and awon "Sidney and I have excommunicated you" could have been avoided, but dah wellz. 

If more people weren't shy to decline or say no to things that are not in their budget, things would be so much simpler. If you're my people, I will do my best to show up and show out for you, and my peoples definitely gotta know that I'm no cheapskate by any means but I have my limits for everything and when things are out of my limit or just not on my radar, then it ain't happening. That's how some guy recently invited me to his upcoming cookout and asked me to bring a bottle of Ciroc or Grey Goose...I said "you mean those $50 drinks? You have serious jokes sha" and he quickly backtracked on some "Just bring whatever you can afford". As it should be! No be small Ciroc or Grey Goose like say I be P.Diddy. Na me dey host the cookout? 

Abeg no long thing for here. The moral of this entire cool tale is...Just say no. It won't kill you and it most certainly will not kill your wallet.

The end. 


Simply bellz said...

heyyyyyyyyy. i missed you!!
ok, il go back and read your post. just had to post that as soon as I saw you on my feed.

taynement said...

loool. I keep saying it till i am blue in the face. Nigerians are allergic to saying "no". They'd rather say yes and die inside when it's not by force. Totally with you on Team Split.

See you next month when i bully you to post again :D

Anonymous said...

Totally agree with you...27 bucks is not chicken change o.

HoneyDame said...

Ko jooo!!!! Which kain even split from hell is that?!! You know, this is one of the reason I used to decline outings while I was in the States. Me and my broke ass will that we can all gist and eat on thing I are tryna throw some 20 dollars on my well calculated expense. That's a quarter of 1-month unlimited nyc metro pass....not happening, fam!

Molara Brown said...

So with you on team split, used to detest it when I lived abroad. I also agree with Simi on her stand with her friends abi na ex-friends, just say no and the babe for no waste her money and time.

neuyogi said...

Totally identified with this! we missed you.

CherryWine said...

Lol! This was uber refreshing! A whole #4320 extra all in the name of even split. As my father is DaRocha abi? People are unable or unwilling to stay in their lanes and actually ADMIT to staying in their lanes. You will show out and now be drinking secret garri with a side of tears...I don't think so! Nice post jare.

Berry Dakara said...

GURL! The truth is what thou has spoken. Why would I go out and drink water with an appetizer and pay the same as people that ordered all the cocktails in the world + mains + dessert?!? No o, ees not like dat, and never will be!

As for Simi's friends, they're mean for not telling her up front that they couldn't go. But she herself should have collected a deposit before booking anything.

I do think that Nigerians have a problem saying no. I felt bad recently when I had planned an outing for a loooong time, and 2 hours before said outing, my friends came out to confess that they were broke and hadn't known how to tell me - like, will I kill somebody because they're broke? Everybody has down times (okay, not the Dangotes and Gates of the world, but you get what I mean). If you're friends you should be able to say "hey, no can do right now," without fear.

Ebs said...

I almost did a backflip when I saw you had a new post. My sister, I taya for Nigerians and their inability to say no.

As for those Sidi's so-called friends,they're not friends plix cos that kind of trip is not something she will tell them on tuesdat when the gig is on friday. Naaah they knew well ahead of time and should have either 1) planned for it or 2) Jejely tell the babe "Babygurl, u know I luh you,bhet I won't be able biko. How about we throw it down at Pravada (or the latest Lagos hotspot) before you jet off to Lagos"

I believe at this age,people are well into adulthood, abeg act it. Stay in your lane biko.

mizchif said...

Seeing a post from you is now a reason to sing and dance.

Foolishness all around. RE: The Simi bachelorette matter. In my opinion the babes involved are definitely not her friends. Yes Vegas is a great expense but it's for somebody to invite you and for you to say no, and say it loud, clear and early so that the hostess can know what she is doing with herself. Then for them to not show up and now be spreading the gist on blogs? Tueh!

I learnt a long time ago to eat according to my pocket/bank account wherever i go. I have no shame in my salad/starter and water game. Why should i pay for your steak? Did i tell you i didn;t see it on the menu before? Shift please.

Toinlicious said...

Lmaoo lai lai. I'll even offer to do the calculations for you, no worries!
Nonsense and ingredient. I Don't know why people would put other people in that kind of precarious situation.

Anonymous said...

I have 2 theories on the bachelorette fiasco: either no one wanted to admit that they couldn't afford the trip( in the spirit of Lagos fakeness); or they decided it was an extravagance and colluded to do her 'strong tin'( in the spirit of fake friendships).

Anonymous said...

A couple of years ago, one of my colleagues at work came to us for advice on a dilemma: his gf wanted 100k for her bridesmaid apparel at a friend's wedding. Apparently it was to be a high society wedding and the bride wanted the bridesmaids' dresses from Harrods.
Now said 100k was about 70% of boyfriend's salary, but girlfriend did not want to be the only one to admit that she couldn't afford the dress, so pressure-mounting began.
I don't know how it ended but I refused to put mouth in man and woman matter biko.

LohiO said...

LMAO!!1 I missed your blog!!! Goshhh!! Forreal though, if more people just said no.

Nutty J. said...

Well said

Just say no... act right

And everyone lives happily ever after

Fluffycutething said...

i once attended a bridal shower at a restaurant where we were all to split the bill. One chick i remember brought 2 extra chicks( Naija syndrome of not attending party alone)...

I and a friend had already had lunch so we just ordered chapman. The others had lunch rice n sauce, now cause there were a lot of people the food wasnt in large quantity etc.

To split bill now they said equal share, of course me n d chick said no and paid for our chapman then added a bit to cover the bride's food....

Nonsense people.... chop awooof wan come make another person pay Mcheeeewwww

Hyperfashun said...

You always speak the truth my sister.xoxo

air-mecca said...

When I was a newbie in the game, I took a couple of friends out for a sunday lunch, 3 to be specific.

During the lunch, my guys invited 2 chicks to join. See where these folks (male and female) were ordering food like it was the last supper. I didnt blink since na me go find trouble. The bill came, dem look am, blow whistle and passed it to me. In the spirit of Love and Christianity (Jizos fed 5000 people for free abi?), I paid the bill without shaking.

Fast forward 1 week later, one of dem boiz invited me for lunch, I stuck to my small diet, afterwards home boy just dropped his part of the bill. That was the day the scales fell from my binoculars. Say What!

Team Split keh? I am Team "On your own". I am very very good at Maths, I can even calculate simple interest, tips and square root mentally. If we go out as a group, u better hold your side. Order according to your wallet, shikena!

When the trumpet sounds on the last day, we are not going to share transport to heaven. When I invite people to come chop nowadays, I do like Drake and yarn them upfront, "No New Friends". Plus, If you order like it is your last supper, I will put an asterisk next to your name for future invitations. Jizos said feed the poor and hungry, not the stingy and greedy.

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Coy~Introvert said...

Ahh $27 is just too much extra. I'm always team split oh, I can't shout biko. I can't eat veggies and pay for your rack of ribs and alcohol, e hungry me too but pocket no reach so pay for your meal please.