The bride price formula...

This past weekend I: Sat on my bed and finished a mini tub of Edy's Drumstick Icecream...all 1000+ calories of it, watched 3 movies- I love you man, Obsessed (TOTAL waste of my brain cells) & Confessions of a Shopaholic, Hit up Barnes & Noble for some material, went shopping for household goods and watched the VMAs yesternite while I stalked all the FB statuses about Kanye's foolish behavior and Lady Gaga's madness. That woman needs Jesus but I absolutely love it! Lmao
How was your weekend?

PS:- I STILL need a personal masseuse on call 24/7.
PPS:- I have found a new blog boo...David someboribobo (That is how I read his name and I kid you not), the man can bake meatpie. Need I say more? (He doesn't know that he's taken yet, but he is...all husband snatchers should instantly take note and back off)

Speaking of which...A man who knows how to cook = An asset. I gosta teach my sons how to cook o...I will insist that they come into the kitchen and watch me throw down so that when they grow up women will not be making shakara for them + for each dish that they can make, the amount of brideprice that they will pay will decrease. Abi now... :-D
Oh y'all aint know that I have my brideprice formula? Aight...let me edumacate somebody up in this piece.

Mgbeke's Official Brideprice Calculator:

• The woman sabi cook (Let's add $5,000)
• If she sabi cook more complex dishes that transcend beyond the typical Egusi, Jollof Rice...i.e Isi ewu aka Goat head, Ugba aka African salad, Ofe Owerri and even international dishes for some diversity (We go add an additional $5,000)
• Can she bake? (Extra $5,000)
  
• Does she have a Bachelors degree? ($5,000)
• What kind of degree did she get? If it's something random like Early Childhood education (We no go add moni...abeg my ECE majors no stone me abeg :-D), Anything in the business field ($5,000...make it $10,000 for Accounting and Finance...LOL), Engineering, Computer Science and 'em techie stuvvs ($15,000)
  
• Does she have a Masters degree? Double the amount for all the categories...if na Law school we go triple am and if na Med school, we will triple am + 1 Hummer and 1 Ferrari each for both parents. Is it a beans to go to Med school?
  
• How exposed/well traveled is she? If her idea of taking an annual vacation is going to the Nigerian Reunion on a yearly basis...we no go add moni. If she has been to a variety of places/been exposed to a bunch of cultures...we go add an additional $3,000
• For every additional language that she can speak apart from English, we go add $2,000 each...after all even in the Corporate world, it is an asset for one to be bi-lingual. PS:- For such purposes, Pidgin = A Language. Lmao!

All this moni na on top of the regular amount of brideprice wey man go pay because hin see one fine correct babe wey hin wan marry. After all, we don conclude say e no easy to pluck a flawa from one's garden...abi I lie?

Now, for my dudes...make una heart no beat too fast as una don analyze this my list. I trust say some of una don observe this list, plan on how you go waka home and break up with your long term girlfriend of 4 years as per you no wan collect cardiac arrest on top of paying bride price. Abeg o, chill first...I no send una. When dem send Shekpe on top ya head, you go tok say na Mgbeke cause am.
Calm your beating hearts down 'cos I gotchu! The bride price wey una fit pay go reduce if and only if:

• Can you cook? If so, we go reduce the woman's bride price by $2,000. So in the end na $3,000 wey you fit pay. You still gosta pay moni because odds are that the woman will take up majority of the cooking in the marriage so you gosta pay moni for that sweat wey she go sweat on top the hot stove.
  
• Can you cook the complex dishes mentioned above? If so, we go reduce the bride price by $1,000.
• Do you have a Bachelor's degree? *Ahem*...we shall only reduce the B.P if you majored in the sciences/techie/some areas of business so abeg if na Psychology, the above mentioned Early Childhood education, Social work and such fields...in fact we go even add an additional $5,000 on top the Bride price wey you go pay because it is absolutely NOT manly for you to go to school and not major in Medicine, Law, Engineering, Accounting or Computer Science. LMAO. *Tongue in cheek*
• Masters/Advanced degree? We go reduce am too and if you go Med school/Law school and are guaranteed a starting salary of at least $200,000/year (after residency and such things), then we go cancel out the entire bride price wey you suppose pay sef and na we wey go come pack dowry on top your head...after all as women, we are encouraged to chase down the dokitas so that we can live in a nice big house with a white fence, send our kids to private schools only and drive the 2020 Mercedez Benz wey you go park for garage. *Winks*
• Are you well traveled and bi-lingual? We go negotiate with the village heads and come to a decision on how much we wan reduce the bride price we you go pay.

Hehehehe, so you see my dudes. I got covered y'all too didn't I?
So *ahem*...it's not too late guys...go and learn how to cook. And if you are in any kind of Major where every Christmas, you visit Nigeria and someone asks you 'Chinedu what are you studying' and you have to engage in a 10 minute conversation in an attempt to explain what the heck you are studying then I suggest that you drop out of school and re-enroll with a career path in Medicine...(it might cost you $1M in student loans, but you will save a substantial amount of money on the bride price..LMAO), plus...when you go to Nigeria and they ask you 'Chinedu, what are you studying?'...you can proudly puff out your chest and simply answer 'Medicine' while you watch for the appreciative glint that will suddenly appear in the asker's eyes.

Thank me later.

The end.

3 exes and a wedding.

That day I knew that someone up there must have been cracking up at my expense....

The day was a nice spring-ish day. My friend's sister was getting married and she asked me to be in the bridal train. I agreed. Free dress, free accesories, all I had to do was just show up. I imagined it would be a pretty uneventful wedding as per I didn't expect to know anyone there. Uneventful my right foot.
Oh it started out uneventful enough. Ya know the deal..walked down the aisle and played my role as one of the cute bridesmaid. Time for church to be over and us folks to walk out na...I'm walking out and I dey use my side eye to scan the crowd small and who do I see sitting right there at the end of the aisle shining his 32? Ex #1. I almost tripped in surprise, but I played it off pretty nicely. I mean..I was surprised. What was he doing there? He doesn't even live anywhere close to my hood.
So brushing that off and making a mental note to catch up with him later, we got outside and pretty much were standing around waiting for the part where we whore ourselves out for the cameras so that the lovely couple could have a bunch of beautiful pictures to show thier kiddies and grandkiddies, and who taps me on my shoulder? Ex #2. Side note:- Technically, I don't consider him to be an ex, we never had a relationship per say. Sure he was trying to holla and we went on a couple of dates but for purposes of making this tori sweet pass, I go call am Ex #2.
But back to the tori...
*Gasp*I immediately went into catch-up mode..Gave him a big hug (I hadn't seen him in like what? 1 year or so?) OMG, what are you going here, it's been ages blahblahblah. He told me that he moved to another city. I said wow! So you came to spend time with family? He said nope, that he came with his wife who happened to be someone's cousin.
Hold-up! Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Wi gini?
'Whaaaat? Did you just say wife?'He smirked at me and said 'I sure did' and then proceeded to turn around and point her out. Of course she was hovering somewhere real close to. I mean, I don' blame her. When you see some chick all enthusiastically gushing over your hubby, you best get into that FBI mode...young trifling hoochies of nowadays..LOL!I was in shock but I quickly remembered to take a step or 2 back. Married men have always been a no-no and I promise y'all I was just being friendly. Hehehehehe....
We exchanged a few more catch-up tidbits and I quickly found my square root and told him I'd catch up with him later.
In retrospect, I think he was all too happy to point his wife out seeing that I made some serious shakara for him when he used to toast me. Hahahahaha!

Meanwhile we still had Ex #1 that I had to go say hello to o. I mean..what was he doing there? It was a little intermission/mix and mingle thing while the wedding folk set up the reception hall and there was a bunch of people standing around and mingling. I made a beeline for the people carrying suya around on trays and armed with my 2 sticks of suya, I was on a mission to find that Ex of mine.
As I made my way through the all the girls posing in corners with thier short dresses and the guys posing against walls checking the ladies out, my eye fell on him, him, HIM. I repeat, someone up there was cracking the heck up at my expense. WTF was HE of ALL people doing here? Him being Ex #3. I pinched myself and took a big bite of suya hoping that I was hallucinating but no o..pinches and suya no gree for me. I sho as heck wasn't seeing things. It was Ex #3. Mind you I hadn't seen ol' dude in like what? 3 years or so? Last time I checked he lived in another hood and apart from our random catch-up convos now and then, I didn't know much of what was going on with him. I guess he could feel my eyes boring into his being 'cos he turned around and saw me.
*Activate catch-up mode*
Hoh Hem Gee. Fancy this... I said. He was like indeed, it's been what? how many years?
I asked him who he knew and he said the groom and him had gone to Law school together. Shoulda figured that was the connect. Meanwhile from the corner of my eye, I noticed some chick hovering in the background. Close enough for me to know that they came together so I kinda gave her a pointed stare and he was like 'Oh yeah, meet my fiance ****'
Fia whaaaaaat? Oh Jesus. I need a glass of water.
But I quickly composed myself and put my gameface on. 'You're kidding...you? You're engaged?'He was like 'Yeah, yeah... a lot of things have changed'. They shoooooo have. I mean throughout the time that we dated, he always insisted that he would NEVER get married and was damn serious about it. So me kwa, I figured ish wouldn't come to much and peaced out only to come and find out that Ol' boy don engage himself finish. Ewooooo! Yep, things don changed indeed.
But aniwoos back to my tori...I made nice with the fiance, made small talk with both of them and for the second time that day, found my square root. My mind was spinning...Looking back now, that was one funny day!
But yo, it wasn't over o. That person up there wasn't over and done with the jokes. Just when I thought that I was finally digesting all the info and getting used to being in the same space with 3 exes and 2 significant others, who do I run into? The much sought after ex #1...and no, there was no woman hovering in the background 'cos trust me I did a quick scan. We hi-hi'ed it up. (I had seen him within the last 12 months or so, so I didn't have to go too much into the catch up mode). Asked him what he was doing at the wedding, caught up on some random gist and I promised to catch up with him later.
So I walked out and was chilling with my homegirls in the cut, you know staying out of the way of the 'razzi's and all that media attention when I noticed him walk around my way with a woman on his arm. Oh I was all eyes and ears (UnderG of course)...he walked over to the group of girls standing behind us and introduced her.
'Meet Estelle** (For purposes of this tori)
I stood very still for that nano-second as I quickly put 2 and 2 together.
Estelle? That same Estelle? No really, the same Estelle?? WOW! No blame am o, her role in the interruption of me and him was pretty innocent and in retro, they had wayyyyyyyy too much history for me to even try to hold a torch to alladat. I mean, they are married now....But wow, that was the final straw for me and at that point I really did take a time out session to escape somewhere and down a tall, cool, glass of H2O while I asked the person up there if he/she had any more jokes up thier sleeve.

I mean damn! The reception hadn't even started yet....