Is What He Sees Really What He's Gonna Get?

I have a friend who was practically harassed by an ex-boyfriend to confess her “number". She said that the harassment started when she started pulling some tricks inna di bedroom and the guy would be interviewing her and asking JAMB questions such as “where did you learn how to do that?” and eventually his judgmental attitude towards her bedmatics led to the end of their relationship. So as a once bitten, twice shy babe, she has sworn that in her next relationship, she is going to roll up to that bedroom forming the ultimate innocent “holy nweje” like she doesn’t know NADA.

I could definitely see where she was coming from on that p, as I’ve had/been privy to a couple of discussions where men casted pure judgment on women based on their behavior/personalities. Let me give some examples:

1. A male friend once told me that one of his friends passed up on marrying an otherwise great girlfriend because he was uncomfortable with the advanced levels and skills that she had in administering “bolaji” aka blowjob. This is a very true story.

2. I was having a convo with a friend about women going to strip clubs and how men view this. Ordinarily, I didn’t think that it should be an issue but like my friend pointed out, it could be one of those things were you go with your homeboys and they don’t care ‘cos they aren’t trying to make you the one. But let wife material enter the equation, and you will see how the story will drastically change. In fact as someone else so wisely pointed out, you might think that it’s nothing going to a strip club with your male friends, till one of their eligible bachelor friends who might have been winking at you visits from out of town and dem boyz casually mention that they went to the skrip club with you, and you will see how quickly that wink will disappear.

3. Even the most basic things like being the turn-up chick who knows how to knock back shots of patron/hennessy/ogogoro and is the life of the party is all well and good until men start looking for wife, and those same lively traits will collect a big red X as such tinz won’t a good wife, make.

Like I said… men are a very interesting set of individuals. You would think that it would be nothing but simple science for a man to be attracted to a woman who for the most part mirrors his interests and activities i.e. If he likes to enjoy the occasional night at the strip club, he would gravitate towards a woman who enjoys the same thing. But apparently not, as we can see that when it comes to some men and their mentality, what is good for the goose is not good for the gander and they will judge a woman who shares such proclivities.
Isn’t it pure hilarity when you meet some confirmed turn-up masters who spend practically every weekend in the club but will open their mouths to say that you can’t find wifey material in the club. So it’s husband material that is chilling there abi?
And I think that the most baffling statements are from those men who frown on certain sexual activities and claim that they would never engage in such with their wife and the mother of their kids as it would be demeaning to her. To which I always ask that if you aint gonna do that with your wife, then who exactly will you do it with kwanu? The convenient side chick abi? I'm getting you brothers.

The interesting thing about some of these men who pass up on a “lively” or even “worldy” woman for the demure wifey type is that down the line they start to complain. I know of 2 men that fall into this category. Totally by-passed women that would have gelled with their outgoing, turn-up nature and went for the quiet, wifey type (in their words). Now years down the line, these same men are complaining that their wives are boring, anti-social, not interesting and blahblah. I’m like abegi, save those #firstworldproblems for people who care. As you make your bed, so shall you lie in it so biko carry your sob story to the gods.

The way I really see it is that in this man’s world that we live in, there is absolutely no winning for us women. I’ve always been a firm believer in “be yourself” and “what he sees is what he should get” but please don’t take my advice sha as I can’t say that being myself has greatly helped me in the relationship department. I feel like the real winners out there are women who know how to (temporarily??) modify and conform to what they think that men want to see.
If he says that he doesn't like a turn-up babe, please don't listen to my opinionated (and quite single self) as I insist that you continue to go out and have fun, and please hang up your mini skirt + retire the Ruby woo (for now...*snicker*).
If he says he wants a quiet girl who won't stress his paroles while he camps out at the club every weekend, just get with the game and form "stressfree" and "go with the flow"...again, for now.
Infact, e get this girl wey I dey silently hail as someone who has the formula downpat. Her fiancée is the type who likes to go up and down turning up in everybody’s club, as in every weekend he dey mark register…and he loves the fact that she never stresses him or bugs him about how he doesn’t take her anywhere. But as I dey look the girl, I see a sharp babe that will give him some 180 degree character turn-about after marriage. When bobo gets up like “I’m going out with the boys”,she will flex muscle and say “Oh yeah? I’m coming along too”. And then he’ll be like “where is the woman I married?”…she probably was right there all along bruv.

A leopard can’t hide its spots forever so ultimately a woman’s true self will come out but shoutouts to women who have mastered the strategy of “I’m going to form A and then reveal B after I have guaranteed my spot in this situation”. I can’t even be upset at your deception because I do think that some men bring it upon themselves. I mean, in 2014 when some men will overlook a woman’s great traits such as her great personality, good looks, excellent credit, caring nature etc etc and dismiss all of that based on “She parties too much so I aint gonna wife that” or "she's way too advanced with her skills inna di bedroom", e reach to be coding some aspects of your personality until further notice. All is fair in this game of trying to get chose.

And that is all she said.

Peazeeeeee.

How Much Investigative Journalism Do You Do?

These days the concept of "investigative journalism" has gone beyond making verbal inquiries about potential candidates in your dating pool to taking matters right into your very hands and doing the research yourself.  One of my good friends is a certified pro at investigative journalism. She meets a guy and goes to research him on social media, google, and even her State’s Judiciary website to see whether he has any outstanding cases open or closed that she should be aware of (i.e. previous marriages, credit card liens etc). She pretty much doesn’t like to surprise herself and in this day and age where men be pulling James Bond stunts from out of the blue, I aint mad at her tactics at all.
And then I have another good friend is also great at investigative journalism. She knows how to read between the lines on social media. She is probably the reason why some people padlock their Twitter accounts because home girl be on her job with tracking conversations, who liked what and who followed who, who subbed who and who deleted their accounts...I mean, the girl is a pro at putting two and two together. Like I said, I no dey vex at such tactics.
As for me, I do believe in the idea of investigative journalism. I admit to googling men…shoot I occasionally google myself so why should any man be exempt? I will pretty much try to gather as much information out there that I can…after all its all public records innit?

And then beyond researching and trying to gather information about a man who is yet to make the cut, there is also the type of journalism which involves staying in the loop and staying informed about men who have already made the cut i.e your boyfriends or husbands. So now we gotta discuss the other angle to investigative journalism which involves checking phones, emails, etc. This is a topic that has come up a million times for discussion on social media and my stance remains the same – I will check a man’s phone every now and then. Knowledge is power! 

 During a recent cycle of the wash, rinse and repeat Twitter discussion on checking a man’s phone, someone I follow stated that she used to do a weekly sweep of all her man’s devices in her relationship, and I got a very good chuckle out of that. On my part, my approach is this…I won’t always go out of my way to snoop look through a man's phone and similiar devices but if a bruv leaves his phone in my line of vision, I’m definitely going to go through it every now and then and satisfy my curiosities. If I sit down and see an email inbox open, I will take a quick glance through it. There is no shame in my game.

In fact, as some of you may remember, I once blogged about an ex whose email I happened to stumble across (and in this case, I didn’t set out to check, I logged on and he was still signed in), and thanks to my quick sweep of the inbox, I discovered some very incriminating deets including an email professing serious love for a female that he had known for an century and some...as in some "I have always loved you and I will never stop loving you". Hian! based on those findings, I quickly exited the budding relationship and you know, down the line, the bruv actually apologized to me and confessed that he had been fooling himself all along thinking that he had moved on from that girl. He eventually moved across oceans to be with the girl and today they are married. See how investigative journalism saved my heart and my ego? I would have been there playing second fiddle to another woman if I hadn’t stumbled across all of that. Needless to say, I have been a firm believer in seizing opportunities to investigate a bruv ever since then because if you ask me, that was a God-sent opportunity and my Lord did save me from a life of playing second best to another woman.

On the flip, I know some women who are definitely not about the investigative journalism life and I can understand their stance too. The thing fit give pesin HBP when your eye come nack the thing wey you never see before, but I personally would rather be aware and informed than to live in blissful ignorance. And even if a bruv has nothing to hide and the search comes out clean, at least I know that I saw and confirmed that with my korokoro eyes.

And, as usual...that is all she said.

Happy Independence Day Nigeria!

Have a great rest of your week y'all.