This post is inspired by a previous discussion on FaceBook annoyances...
Identify your sin as I list them, pray for forgiveness and promise not to do that chit again!!!
FB Sin #1:- Those damn status updates
A lot of you are guilty of this one. I do not need to know that you just took a dump, or that you just had a great and marvelous orgasm but thanks to FB, I be assailed with this foolishness. 'Abiola just took a great big shit', 5 mins later..'Abiola is wiping her ass'. Like really?
Stop the madness peoples.
I must confess that I stay hating on people who constantly update us with their travel tales. 'Chinemerem is in Jamaica', 'Chinemerem is on her way to China'. If you aint bringing me no gifts from your little vacay then I don't want to know, world traveler!!!
FB Sin #2:- 'Photo albums'
I put Photo albums in quotes because you really can not create some album with 5 pictures and call it a cat damn photo album. Put that chit in your profile pics or something, or better yet wait till you compile about 15 more pictures then you may now create a real photo album. Imagine
me happily balancing to view pics only to cut short at pic #5...? I'm just saying...
FB sin #3:- Burning my cable
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies. Y'all need to STOP burning my cable on FB. Do you not be reading wedding websites when awon boys dey yarn say dem meet wifey on top facebook? It is not a game o. I can not take a picture with some random dude without some oversabis coming to comment with an 'Awwwwwwwwwww'. Chei! Na in bobos go see this 'awwwwwww' and now think that me and ole boy in the pic are an item, not knowing that ole boy got his wifey at home and I'm just borrowposing. If bobo had been scoping me, this 'awwwwww' will not make him take 2 steps back and my love story in the making will be wrap! Abeg o, I carry God bed una...stop burning my cable.
FB sin #4:- Uploading pictures senselessly.
What is up with folk who do this? Just be uploading pictures without even looking through them all for the sake of having 1 million albums on facebook. And of course the scapegoats like me have to suffer for this. It was cool that you took the pic of me nodding off and drooling or the one where I woke up and I had the dried crust on my mouth but do you really have to put that chit on FB just for the sake of having an album up AND have the nerve to tag me? Take your time o! A word is enough for the wise.
FB sin #5:- Those damn applications.
Why do you have all the cat damn application on your page? Don't you know that that chit is unneccessary and just plain foolish? Be there acting like one Johhny just come wey never see internet before. Oh and you really really need to stop inviting me to add the applications too. What the hell is a Vampire application? Or which Harry Potter broom are you? Y'all need to stop!
FB sin #6:- Those damn events in Mississipi
...or Cancun, or Lagos or wherever. I understand that promoters are lazy and they just wanna invite everyone on thier lists but seriously? I look like I live in Mississipi?? Stop that chit, it annoys me. And you decline the yeye event, yet somehow these folk stay blowing up your inbox on some countdown chit...talking about '5 more days till the biggest event of the year'. Lawdy Lawd...make it Stop!
FB sin #7:- Those stupid names.
You know the names... Abiola 'Letmeupgradeyoubaby' Oyegbami or Chinemerem 'Nooneonthecornergotswaggerlikemine' Okoro. I mean...seriously?!?!?!?!
FB sin #8:- Individuals with zero social skills.
...or maybe I'm just extra polite, but if I add you to my friends list, especially if I haven't seen you in a long long while, I always make it a point to say something like 'Hi, hello'. Shoot, you will add me and I will still say hi, hello but no o...Individuals with zero social skills no fit even reply the hi, hello. And you know they be on FB cos they be writing on erryone's walls/commenting on erry pic. So you add me to your list ni? Oohhhh I get it, you just want to look at my pics yeah? Oya now, I get your drift, no shakings...
FB sin #9:- Writing all kinds of foolishness of my wall.
C'mon folk! It's a wall for crying out loud, how you gon' come up in there with all this public information? What happened to my message inbox for privacy's sake? Some people really lack the desired number of brain cells. I'm just saying...
FB sin #10:- You no tact having negros/negras.
Uh uh, you sabi una selves o. Always commenting on people's pictures on some 'you added weight o, what happened, you used to be fine'. Infact recently, I read a comment where someone had said 'You need to stop eating those hamburgers' and I really was like WTF. Infact I am the self appointed, voltron and defender of the people who are subject to these comments so If i catch any of y'all na to put you on blast. Uh uh!
And while we are on the topic of Facebook, may I add that it absolutely amuses me how people wan do love in tokyo on top facebook on some Chimamanda is in a relationship with John, complete with pictures, wall to wall sex and what not. Check back 2 weeks later and tori don change...Hahahahahahah! Ok, let me stop before someone accuses me of being a jealous hater. :-D
Have a good week darlings.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The different perspectives on Wedding websites.
Chai! How can I explain the fact that I went for an entire month without blogging? It's not like I've been busy or like I no get internet. Na just LAZINESS.But the good book tells us to forgive and forget so forgive me. :D
Now on to the topic at hand....
Wedding websites! You knowarramean!!! They are the new rage, they are everywhere, we all stalk Omosewa's blog to get our weekly fix (The yeye girl no too dey on par with the updates sef...hisss!), we all wanna read the 'how we met' stories and look at the pics of the couple. Sometimes the proposal stories have us wondering why we never ran into such a dude in our life time i.e. proposing with a brand new car, flying her to Dubai and Bahamas, all that intricate and romantic stuff. Those kind of proposals have us thinking that if it was formerly acceptable for bobos to take us to PF Changs and do a simple proposal, these genge proposals finna have us wanting the bobos wey go even carry us to Naija, South Africa and Rome all in one weekend sef...hehehehe.Yup, yup...wedding websites are the thing right now and you know you love it!
But one day after running into a friend's ex-boyfriend's wedding website, I had to stop and think. The fact be say, this world na very small place and now it's no longer a case of you randomly stumbled across some random couple's site. These days you be randomly stumbling across the wedding website of someone you know.
Hence my inspiration for this post; The different perspectives on wedding websites. Oya grab ya nkwobi and odeku while you try and figure out which category you fall into.
Category 1:- The Innocent onlooker: Most of us fall into this category. You randomly came across the site; you've never even coughed within 20 miles of the couple. You read their story, ooohed and ahhed over their romantic tale and forwarded the site to your friends.
Category 2:- The Shakara woman: Oh yes! You know yourself! The bobo toasted you die but you made shakara. He blew up your phone, tried to wine and dine you but no o! ‘He’s too short’, ‘He’s too fat’, ‘He doesn’t drive a BMW’. You nexted him for those reasons. And then, he got the message and moved on. You didn’t see him again until Lo and Behold, your friend forwarded you his wedding website and your first thought was like DAMN! Bobo don lose 30 lbs, looks like he ate some beans and grew taller and cat damn, he proposed to his wife by flying her to the Bahamas and buying her a BMW. Internally, you just wither! You’re mentally kicking yourself like ‘O girl, you don eff up serious one o’. If only you had shaken bodi small, maybe na you for dey enjoy with a brand new beemer and a fresh tan from you vacay in the Bahamas, not to mention the blinding rock that would have been on your finger. Oh well, oh well…
Category 3:- The Ex:Once again, most of us fall into this category. Most, if not all of us have exes (Unless you’ve been living under a rock or you just lucked out and married the first man you dated). It doesn’t matter how things ended, could have been on a sour note or a good note but you run into his wedding website and you start to remember how good things were between you two. How he showed up at midnight on your doorstep with flowers in an effort to apologize for an argument y’all had, how he used to beat the nana realllll good during the make up kpansh session, how he went down south and stayed down south in the backseat of his ride that random night that y’all was feeling extra frisky, how he…..Ya dig! :DYou remember all these things, think about how the new wifey is gonna enjoy that for her lifetime and you sigh and move on.
Category 4:- The Other woman who aint know she was the other woman: Unfortunately, some of us do fall into this category. You met him on July 4, 2007 at the Naija reunion, he stepped to you and his game was tight. You were swayed and y’all got it on and poppin’. 1yr and a half later, he gave you some bullsheet reason for not wanting to carry on and it was the end of you and him. You’re still kinda salty about the way ish went down and whenever his name is mentioned, you still roll your eyes. One day, you randomly stumble across Omosewa’s blog and his wedding website is among the list of featured sites. You click on it and dammit! You can’t believe what you are reading. His how we met story says that he met his fiancée on that same July 4, 2007 and they have dated ever since.You are SPEECHLESS and very much saddened by the trifling nature of men in this present day and age…
And there you have it. I think I have covered the 4 main categories but if any others spring to mind, feel free to add.
Mgbeke is bizack!!!
PS:- Shoutouts to the Illmatic one for kinda, sorta inspiring this post.
Now on to the topic at hand....
Wedding websites! You knowarramean!!! They are the new rage, they are everywhere, we all stalk Omosewa's blog to get our weekly fix (The yeye girl no too dey on par with the updates sef...hisss!), we all wanna read the 'how we met' stories and look at the pics of the couple. Sometimes the proposal stories have us wondering why we never ran into such a dude in our life time i.e. proposing with a brand new car, flying her to Dubai and Bahamas, all that intricate and romantic stuff. Those kind of proposals have us thinking that if it was formerly acceptable for bobos to take us to PF Changs and do a simple proposal, these genge proposals finna have us wanting the bobos wey go even carry us to Naija, South Africa and Rome all in one weekend sef...hehehehe.Yup, yup...wedding websites are the thing right now and you know you love it!
But one day after running into a friend's ex-boyfriend's wedding website, I had to stop and think. The fact be say, this world na very small place and now it's no longer a case of you randomly stumbled across some random couple's site. These days you be randomly stumbling across the wedding website of someone you know.
Hence my inspiration for this post; The different perspectives on wedding websites. Oya grab ya nkwobi and odeku while you try and figure out which category you fall into.
Category 1:- The Innocent onlooker: Most of us fall into this category. You randomly came across the site; you've never even coughed within 20 miles of the couple. You read their story, ooohed and ahhed over their romantic tale and forwarded the site to your friends.
Category 2:- The Shakara woman: Oh yes! You know yourself! The bobo toasted you die but you made shakara. He blew up your phone, tried to wine and dine you but no o! ‘He’s too short’, ‘He’s too fat’, ‘He doesn’t drive a BMW’. You nexted him for those reasons. And then, he got the message and moved on. You didn’t see him again until Lo and Behold, your friend forwarded you his wedding website and your first thought was like DAMN! Bobo don lose 30 lbs, looks like he ate some beans and grew taller and cat damn, he proposed to his wife by flying her to the Bahamas and buying her a BMW. Internally, you just wither! You’re mentally kicking yourself like ‘O girl, you don eff up serious one o’. If only you had shaken bodi small, maybe na you for dey enjoy with a brand new beemer and a fresh tan from you vacay in the Bahamas, not to mention the blinding rock that would have been on your finger. Oh well, oh well…
Category 3:- The Ex:Once again, most of us fall into this category. Most, if not all of us have exes (Unless you’ve been living under a rock or you just lucked out and married the first man you dated). It doesn’t matter how things ended, could have been on a sour note or a good note but you run into his wedding website and you start to remember how good things were between you two. How he showed up at midnight on your doorstep with flowers in an effort to apologize for an argument y’all had, how he used to beat the nana realllll good during the make up kpansh session, how he went down south and stayed down south in the backseat of his ride that random night that y’all was feeling extra frisky, how he…..Ya dig! :DYou remember all these things, think about how the new wifey is gonna enjoy that for her lifetime and you sigh and move on.
Category 4:- The Other woman who aint know she was the other woman: Unfortunately, some of us do fall into this category. You met him on July 4, 2007 at the Naija reunion, he stepped to you and his game was tight. You were swayed and y’all got it on and poppin’. 1yr and a half later, he gave you some bullsheet reason for not wanting to carry on and it was the end of you and him. You’re still kinda salty about the way ish went down and whenever his name is mentioned, you still roll your eyes. One day, you randomly stumble across Omosewa’s blog and his wedding website is among the list of featured sites. You click on it and dammit! You can’t believe what you are reading. His how we met story says that he met his fiancée on that same July 4, 2007 and they have dated ever since.You are SPEECHLESS and very much saddened by the trifling nature of men in this present day and age…
And there you have it. I think I have covered the 4 main categories but if any others spring to mind, feel free to add.
Mgbeke is bizack!!!
PS:- Shoutouts to the Illmatic one for kinda, sorta inspiring this post.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Quintessence of Me
These kind of encouraging notes never get old to me. And I just had to post this one 'cos it's an original one, written by a dear friend of mine.
Enjoy!
Don’t Ever Forget That You Are Special… Don’t ever forget that you are unique. Be your best self and not an imitation of someone else. Find your strengths and use them in a positive way.
Don’t listen to those who ridicule the choices you make. Travel the road that you have chosen and don’t look back with regret. You have to take chances to make your dreams happen. Remember that there is plenty of time to travel another road – and still another in your journey through life. Take the time to find the route that is right for you. You will learn something valuable from every trip you take, so don’t be afraid to make mistakes.
Make friends who respect your true self. Take the time to be alone, so you can know how terrific your own company can be. Remember that being alone doesn’t always mean being lonely; it can be a beautiful experience of finding your creativity, your heartfelt feelings, and the calm and quiet peace deep inside you.
Be open minded, "shamelessly" copy whatever qualities/character/style/swag you admire (cos in the end no ones gon say 'hey, you got that from Elle magazine'; i love your style is the only punishment you'd probably be getting!) Be careful not to loose yourself, pick out the good and be disciplined enough to discard the bad. Sow seeds of time to your endeavors; you are guaranteed to get results, always remember that time wasted can never be regained. Learn from the mistakes that those around you have made, make up your mind not to follow the same path.
Don’t tell your problems to just about any ear that cares to listen, only share it with those who will be part of the solution, give you good counsel, or who truly and genuinely care about you. Learn to heal yourself in private, forgive and move on.
No1 priority-my heart must always be at peace, if it isn’t, find a way to fix it, life is too short. Give of yourself, compliment freely, and eXpRess yourself cos unexpressed feelings never die (4real sha, they’re a pain in the neck!). Don’t get it twisted, love is a beautiful thing....:o), you’re never too old for butterflies…Make your home your sanctuary, let it exude warmth, my bed is the best place on earth...
True values are priceless. No amount of gain can make up for the loss of values. The most precious things in life are things that money just can’t buy. People with character, integrity and values are not for sale....
Most ImPoRtantly; Never leave home without a word from God, prayer and praise is ALL you need to achieve anything... AnyThinG!!
Enjoy!
Don’t Ever Forget That You Are Special… Don’t ever forget that you are unique. Be your best self and not an imitation of someone else. Find your strengths and use them in a positive way.
Don’t listen to those who ridicule the choices you make. Travel the road that you have chosen and don’t look back with regret. You have to take chances to make your dreams happen. Remember that there is plenty of time to travel another road – and still another in your journey through life. Take the time to find the route that is right for you. You will learn something valuable from every trip you take, so don’t be afraid to make mistakes.
Make friends who respect your true self. Take the time to be alone, so you can know how terrific your own company can be. Remember that being alone doesn’t always mean being lonely; it can be a beautiful experience of finding your creativity, your heartfelt feelings, and the calm and quiet peace deep inside you.
Be open minded, "shamelessly" copy whatever qualities/character/style/swag you admire (cos in the end no ones gon say 'hey, you got that from Elle magazine'; i love your style is the only punishment you'd probably be getting!) Be careful not to loose yourself, pick out the good and be disciplined enough to discard the bad. Sow seeds of time to your endeavors; you are guaranteed to get results, always remember that time wasted can never be regained. Learn from the mistakes that those around you have made, make up your mind not to follow the same path.
Don’t tell your problems to just about any ear that cares to listen, only share it with those who will be part of the solution, give you good counsel, or who truly and genuinely care about you. Learn to heal yourself in private, forgive and move on.
No1 priority-my heart must always be at peace, if it isn’t, find a way to fix it, life is too short. Give of yourself, compliment freely, and eXpRess yourself cos unexpressed feelings never die (4real sha, they’re a pain in the neck!). Don’t get it twisted, love is a beautiful thing....:o), you’re never too old for butterflies…Make your home your sanctuary, let it exude warmth, my bed is the best place on earth...
True values are priceless. No amount of gain can make up for the loss of values. The most precious things in life are things that money just can’t buy. People with character, integrity and values are not for sale....
Most ImPoRtantly; Never leave home without a word from God, prayer and praise is ALL you need to achieve anything... AnyThinG!!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
At this moment...
...I'm curled up in bed listening to my Love Jones soundtrack. (I can't get enough of this album)
I'm clean. I smell like Johnson's baby lotion.
I'm thinking that I am tired of putting any form or manner of effort into this thing called dating. I just want to be.
I'm Okay.
I'm adding more songs to my 'happy days' playlist. My favorite song on this playlist is 'Just dance' by Lady Gaga. It really makes me wanna drop everything and...just dance.
I'm contemplating buying that dress off the old navy website. Nyeh..maybe not.
I'm reliving the weekend and thinking that I had a blast.
I feel kinda optimistic about the future.
I'm re-evaluating some relationships.
I'm replaying Xscape's 'In the rain' for the 3rd time.
I'm wondering what destination I'll pick for my next vacay trip.
I'm thinking that i should unpack. But I don't feel like it.
I'm nursing a slight headache.
I'm missing my sister dearest.
I'm missing my heartbeat.
I'm wishing both of them were closer to me...geographically.
I'm making a mental note to blog more often.
:-)
I'm clean. I smell like Johnson's baby lotion.
I'm thinking that I am tired of putting any form or manner of effort into this thing called dating. I just want to be.
I'm Okay.
I'm adding more songs to my 'happy days' playlist. My favorite song on this playlist is 'Just dance' by Lady Gaga. It really makes me wanna drop everything and...just dance.
I'm contemplating buying that dress off the old navy website. Nyeh..maybe not.
I'm reliving the weekend and thinking that I had a blast.
I feel kinda optimistic about the future.
I'm re-evaluating some relationships.
I'm replaying Xscape's 'In the rain' for the 3rd time.
I'm wondering what destination I'll pick for my next vacay trip.
I'm thinking that i should unpack. But I don't feel like it.
I'm nursing a slight headache.
I'm missing my sister dearest.
I'm missing my heartbeat.
I'm wishing both of them were closer to me...geographically.
I'm making a mental note to blog more often.
:-)
Friday, October 3, 2008
'A God Fearing Man'
Typical question:- 'What are you looking for in a man?'
Typical answer:- 'He must be tall, handsome, God fearing.....'
Which leads me to ask. What is a God fearing man? Is a God fearing man= A Born again christian?
And I only ask because half the Individuals that be requiring God fearing men don't necessarily appear to be God fearing women themselves. So you want a 'God fearing man' that will fear God and still be kpanshing you every night?
I mean...I'm confused.
Then again, I've been accused of approaching the matter of religion in a strictly black or white way. There are no gray areas for me. It is what it is...
For instance, when people ask me why I don't go to church...this is always my reply---> I don't see the point of going to church if you're not a born again christian/do not plan on giving your life to christ any time soon. Very black POV, I imagine but like I said...it is what it is.
I mean, you go to church on sunday and you praise God, pray for forgiveness, dance and show off your new shoe and bag. Go home and fall into your same ol', same ol' routine and round and round we go. What's the point?
Make I kuku sleep in on sunday morning na....
Oh yeah, people have tried to counter that lil argument of mine with 'Going to church uplifts your spirit and you just never know, you might be touched that day and turn your life over to God'...True that! I can't argue that..it could happen.
So as you can imagine..a 'God fearing man' has never been my top 10 of must have characteristics in a man if God fearing indeed= Born again Christian which I only imagine that it can.
The end.
Typical answer:- 'He must be tall, handsome, God fearing.....'
Which leads me to ask. What is a God fearing man? Is a God fearing man= A Born again christian?
And I only ask because half the Individuals that be requiring God fearing men don't necessarily appear to be God fearing women themselves. So you want a 'God fearing man' that will fear God and still be kpanshing you every night?
I mean...I'm confused.
Then again, I've been accused of approaching the matter of religion in a strictly black or white way. There are no gray areas for me. It is what it is...
For instance, when people ask me why I don't go to church...this is always my reply---> I don't see the point of going to church if you're not a born again christian/do not plan on giving your life to christ any time soon. Very black POV, I imagine but like I said...it is what it is.
I mean, you go to church on sunday and you praise God, pray for forgiveness, dance and show off your new shoe and bag. Go home and fall into your same ol', same ol' routine and round and round we go. What's the point?
Make I kuku sleep in on sunday morning na....
Oh yeah, people have tried to counter that lil argument of mine with 'Going to church uplifts your spirit and you just never know, you might be touched that day and turn your life over to God'...True that! I can't argue that..it could happen.
So as you can imagine..a 'God fearing man' has never been my top 10 of must have characteristics in a man if God fearing indeed= Born again Christian which I only imagine that it can.
The end.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
The reception...
The reception was ummm.... quite interesting.
That person with the sense of humor upstairs decided to pull one final one and strategically place Ex #1 and Estelle at the table right next to the bridesmaids. Ex #2 and his wife were at the table right next to them and Ex #3 and his fiance were seated at the table right next to my friends who I happened to randomly stop by and check up on. I mean...fancy that!
By this time, I had downed my H2O, cleared my head and i had my gameface on. I mean, i was looking extra cute that day anyways so kini big deal? When the MC announced the bridal party and we had to dance in, best believe that I danced well and I looked good doing it. Haba! I wasn't about to let no damn 3 exes and thier wives ruin my day of fun.
Like my friend said after the fact, 'Mgbeke, you are a Beassssssst'. *Takes a bow*
So I danced in and noticed that Ex#1 and Estelle were seated at the table right next to me. I guess at this point I should give y'all the headsup that the this reception gist was really about them 2 lovebirds; or to be more specific...Estelle herself... and not the #2 (Not significant) or #3 (Seated farther away from me, thankfully).
I might not have been phased but I was pretty aware of them in my space..as is only natural.
I bet this awareness must have been mutual 'cos your girl Estelle stared me down like practically all night. Or was it?
Why? She couldn't have been checking out the competition, could she? I mean...she got her man back and I 'lost out' so I definitely wasn't no damn competition.
Or was she checking to see his taste? If she was going by me then I bet she must have given him an A++. I'm just saying....
Was she threatened by my presence? *Raised eyebrow*
What exactly was the problem 'cos I kid you not when I say that Ol' girl stared me down all night. I mean, we'd have instances when my eyes would gravitate towards them 2 and like say na magic, she would happen to be checking me out. This happened like ummm...3 times? I come talk say ok, I'm not gonna look at ol' girl anymore so I made a conscious decision not to.
I was pretty busy anyway...picking up the dollar bills that off the ground from generous individuals making it rain on the couple, hanging out swag bags to guests so I kinda sorta stayed away.
But then it was time for dance, dance and even more dance and you know your girl was in the building. Any chance to dance and act a fool is always cool in my book. I hopped on the dance floor with my homegirls and us girls started to do it up. Looking back, that was one FUN wedding.
Aniwoos your girl was dancing and minding her business and small by small, I'd get comments from 1 or 2 homegirls who knew the drill...'Na wa o, that Estelle chick has been staring at you', 'Why is she looking at you?'...
Wetin consain George Bush with Okada. Me I was there dancing away and secretly liking the fact that Ol' girl was checking me out. See me see wahala o, apart from the shoutouts I gave Mr. Ex at during the intermission, I had done a good job of staying away from the foolishness so why you wan dey chook eye for my side?
Oya now...since she wanted to be doing luku luku like Lucozade, I decided to increase her viewing pleasure and added some extra jara to my dancing. LOL!
To sum this tori,
She finally hopped on the dance floor after checking me out from her little corner on her table and even while dancing with her boo, she was shooting me some quick glances. (I had my girls scoping that stuvvs for me, plus me kwa...I decided to engage in some looking of my own). :D...shey na free world? Do me I do you back, God no go vex.
At one point, my friend wanted to grab her hand and draw her closer to our circle because of the level of Luku Luku-ism that she had displayed but I quickly shut that idea down. Only grab?
Sooo somewhere along the course of the night, Oga Ex#1 finally decided that he'd introduce us. I was dancing/picking money up off the floor and he tapped me...
'Mgbeke meet Estelle'
I feigned surprise. 'Ooooh, you are Estelle huh?'...Nice to meet you.
Nice, to meet you too. She said...and that was that and back to the luku-ism. Hahahaha....
And speaking of that Ex of mine, let's not start on HIS own level of luku-lukuism 'cos I certainly peeped him. Infact i suspect I'm the star of the show in his little webcam that he was using to record the reception events. I'm just saying...
Exes and thier babymama's or not, I had a great time all in all. I remember waking up the next morning with a body quite sore from all that dancing and a smug smile on my face. Pleased to have intimidated you sweetie, please check back again.
It aint easy at all.
The end.
That person with the sense of humor upstairs decided to pull one final one and strategically place Ex #1 and Estelle at the table right next to the bridesmaids. Ex #2 and his wife were at the table right next to them and Ex #3 and his fiance were seated at the table right next to my friends who I happened to randomly stop by and check up on. I mean...fancy that!
By this time, I had downed my H2O, cleared my head and i had my gameface on. I mean, i was looking extra cute that day anyways so kini big deal? When the MC announced the bridal party and we had to dance in, best believe that I danced well and I looked good doing it. Haba! I wasn't about to let no damn 3 exes and thier wives ruin my day of fun.
Like my friend said after the fact, 'Mgbeke, you are a Beassssssst'. *Takes a bow*
So I danced in and noticed that Ex#1 and Estelle were seated at the table right next to me. I guess at this point I should give y'all the headsup that the this reception gist was really about them 2 lovebirds; or to be more specific...Estelle herself... and not the #2 (Not significant) or #3 (Seated farther away from me, thankfully).
I might not have been phased but I was pretty aware of them in my space..as is only natural.
I bet this awareness must have been mutual 'cos your girl Estelle stared me down like practically all night. Or was it?
Why? She couldn't have been checking out the competition, could she? I mean...she got her man back and I 'lost out' so I definitely wasn't no damn competition.
Or was she checking to see his taste? If she was going by me then I bet she must have given him an A++. I'm just saying....
Was she threatened by my presence? *Raised eyebrow*
What exactly was the problem 'cos I kid you not when I say that Ol' girl stared me down all night. I mean, we'd have instances when my eyes would gravitate towards them 2 and like say na magic, she would happen to be checking me out. This happened like ummm...3 times? I come talk say ok, I'm not gonna look at ol' girl anymore so I made a conscious decision not to.
I was pretty busy anyway...picking up the dollar bills that off the ground from generous individuals making it rain on the couple, hanging out swag bags to guests so I kinda sorta stayed away.
But then it was time for dance, dance and even more dance and you know your girl was in the building. Any chance to dance and act a fool is always cool in my book. I hopped on the dance floor with my homegirls and us girls started to do it up. Looking back, that was one FUN wedding.
Aniwoos your girl was dancing and minding her business and small by small, I'd get comments from 1 or 2 homegirls who knew the drill...'Na wa o, that Estelle chick has been staring at you', 'Why is she looking at you?'...
Wetin consain George Bush with Okada. Me I was there dancing away and secretly liking the fact that Ol' girl was checking me out. See me see wahala o, apart from the shoutouts I gave Mr. Ex at during the intermission, I had done a good job of staying away from the foolishness so why you wan dey chook eye for my side?
Oya now...since she wanted to be doing luku luku like Lucozade, I decided to increase her viewing pleasure and added some extra jara to my dancing. LOL!
To sum this tori,
She finally hopped on the dance floor after checking me out from her little corner on her table and even while dancing with her boo, she was shooting me some quick glances. (I had my girls scoping that stuvvs for me, plus me kwa...I decided to engage in some looking of my own). :D...shey na free world? Do me I do you back, God no go vex.
At one point, my friend wanted to grab her hand and draw her closer to our circle because of the level of Luku Luku-ism that she had displayed but I quickly shut that idea down. Only grab?
Sooo somewhere along the course of the night, Oga Ex#1 finally decided that he'd introduce us. I was dancing/picking money up off the floor and he tapped me...
'Mgbeke meet Estelle'
I feigned surprise. 'Ooooh, you are Estelle huh?'...Nice to meet you.
Nice, to meet you too. She said...and that was that and back to the luku-ism. Hahahaha....
And speaking of that Ex of mine, let's not start on HIS own level of luku-lukuism 'cos I certainly peeped him. Infact i suspect I'm the star of the show in his little webcam that he was using to record the reception events. I'm just saying...
Exes and thier babymama's or not, I had a great time all in all. I remember waking up the next morning with a body quite sore from all that dancing and a smug smile on my face. Pleased to have intimidated you sweetie, please check back again.
It aint easy at all.
The end.
Monday, September 8, 2008
3 exes and a wedding.
That day I knew that someone up there must have been cracking up at my expense....
The day was a nice spring-ish day. My friend's sister was getting married and she asked me to be in the bridal train. I agreed. Free dress, free accesories, all I had to do was just show up. I imagined it would be a pretty uneventful wedding as per I didn't expect to know anyone there. Uneventful my right foot.
Oh it started out uneventful enough. Ya know the deal..walked down the aisle and played my role as one of the cute bridesmaid. Time for church to be over and us folks to walk out na...I'm walking out and I dey use my side eye to scan the crowd small and who do I see sitting right there at the end of the aisle shining his 32? Ex #1. I almost tripped in surprise, but I played it off pretty nicely. I mean..I was surprised. What was he doing there? He doesn't even live anywhere close to my hood.
So brushing that off and making a mental note to catch up with him later, we got outside and pretty much were standing around waiting for the part where we whore ourselves out for the cameras so that the lovely couple could have a bunch of beautiful pictures to show thier kiddies and grandkiddies, and who taps me on my shoulder? Ex #2. Side note:- Technically, I don't consider him to be an ex, we never had a relationship per say. Sure he was trying to holla and we went on a couple of dates but for purposes of making this tori sweet pass, I go call am Ex #2.
But back to the tori...
*Gasp*I immediately went into catch-up mode..Gave him a big hug (I hadn't seen him in like what? 1 year or so?) OMG, what are you going here, it's been ages blahblahblah. He told me that he moved to another city. I said wow! So you came to spend time with family? He said nope, that he came with his wife who happened to be someone's cousin.
Hold-up! Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Wi gini?
'Whaaaat? Did you just say wife?'He smirked at me and said 'I sure did' and then proceeded to turn around and point her out. Of course she was hovering somewhere real close to. I mean, I don' blame her. When you see some chick all enthusiastically gushing over your hubby, you best get into that FBI mode...young trifling hoochies of nowadays..LOL!I was in shock but I quickly remembered to take a step or 2 back. Married men have always been a no-no and I promise y'all I was just being friendly. Hehehehehe....
We exchanged a few more catch-up tidbits and I quickly found my square root and told him I'd catch up with him later.
In retrospect, I think he was all too happy to point his wife out seeing that I made some serious shakara for him when he used to toast me. Hahahahaha!
Meanwhile we still had Ex #1 that I had to go say hello to o. I mean..what was he doing there? It was a little intermission/mix and mingle thing while the wedding folk set up the reception hall and there was a bunch of people standing around and mingling. I made a beeline for the people carrying suya around on trays and armed with my 2 sticks of suya, I was on a mission to find that Ex of mine.
As I made my way through the all the girls posing in corners with thier short dresses and the guys posing against walls checking the ladies out, my eye fell on him, him, HIM. I repeat, someone up there was cracking the heck up at my expense. WTF was HE of ALL people doing here? Him being Ex #3. I pinched myself and took a big bite of suya hoping that I was hallucinating but no o..pinches and suya no gree for me. I sho as heck wasn't seeing things. It was Ex #3. Mind you I hadn't seen ol' dude in like what? 3 years or so? Last time I checked he lived in another hood and apart from our random catch-up convos now and then, I didn't know much of what was going on with him. I guess he could feel my eyes boring into his being 'cos he turned around and saw me.
*Activate catch-up mode*
Hoh Hem Gee. Fancy this... I said. He was like indeed, it's been what? how many years?
I asked him who he knew and he said the groom and him had gone to Law school together. Shoulda figured that was the connect. Meanwhile from the corner of my eye, I noticed some chick hovering in the background. Close enough for me to know that they came together so I kinda gave her a pointed stare and he was like 'Oh yeah, meet my fiance ****'
Fia whaaaaaat? Oh Jesus. I need a glass of water.
But I quickly composed myself and put my gameface on. 'You're kidding...you? You're engaged?'He was like 'Yeah, yeah... a lot of things have changed'. They shoooooo have. I mean throughout the time that we dated, he always insisted that he would NEVER get married and was damn serious about it. So me kwa, I figured ish wouldn't come to much and peaced out only to come and find out that Ol' boy don engage himself finish. Ewooooo! Yep, things don changed indeed.
But aniwoos back to my tori...I made nice with the fiance, made small talk with both of them and for the second time that day, found my square root. My mind was spinning...Looking back now, that was one funny day!
But yo, it wasn't over o. That person up there wasn't over and done with the jokes. Just when I thought that I was finally digesting all the info and getting used to being in the same space with 3 exes and 2 significant others, who do I run into? The much sought after ex #1...and no, there was no woman hovering in the background 'cos trust me I did a quick scan. We hi-hi'ed it up. (I had seen him within the last 12 months or so, so I didn't have to go too much into the catch up mode). Asked him what he was doing at the wedding, caught up on some random gist and I promised to catch up with him later.
So I walked out and was chilling with my homegirls in the cut, you know staying out of the way of the 'razzi's and all that media attention when I noticed him walk around my way with a woman on his arm. Oh I was all eyes and ears (UnderG of course)...he walked over to the group of girls standing behind us and introduced her.
'Meet Estelle** (For purposes of this tori)
I stood very still for that nano-second as I quickly put 2 and 2 together.
Estelle? That same Estelle? No really, the same Estelle?? WOW! No blame am o, her role in the interruption of me and him was pretty innocent and in retro, they had wayyyyyyyy too much history for me to even try to hold a torch to alladat. I mean, they are married now....But wow, that was the final straw for me and at that point I really did take a time out session to escape somewhere and down a tall, cool, glass of H2O while I asked the person up there if he/she had any more jokes up thier sleeve.
I mean damn! The reception hadn't even started yet....
The day was a nice spring-ish day. My friend's sister was getting married and she asked me to be in the bridal train. I agreed. Free dress, free accesories, all I had to do was just show up. I imagined it would be a pretty uneventful wedding as per I didn't expect to know anyone there. Uneventful my right foot.
Oh it started out uneventful enough. Ya know the deal..walked down the aisle and played my role as one of the cute bridesmaid. Time for church to be over and us folks to walk out na...I'm walking out and I dey use my side eye to scan the crowd small and who do I see sitting right there at the end of the aisle shining his 32? Ex #1. I almost tripped in surprise, but I played it off pretty nicely. I mean..I was surprised. What was he doing there? He doesn't even live anywhere close to my hood.
So brushing that off and making a mental note to catch up with him later, we got outside and pretty much were standing around waiting for the part where we whore ourselves out for the cameras so that the lovely couple could have a bunch of beautiful pictures to show thier kiddies and grandkiddies, and who taps me on my shoulder? Ex #2. Side note:- Technically, I don't consider him to be an ex, we never had a relationship per say. Sure he was trying to holla and we went on a couple of dates but for purposes of making this tori sweet pass, I go call am Ex #2.
But back to the tori...
*Gasp*I immediately went into catch-up mode..Gave him a big hug (I hadn't seen him in like what? 1 year or so?) OMG, what are you going here, it's been ages blahblahblah. He told me that he moved to another city. I said wow! So you came to spend time with family? He said nope, that he came with his wife who happened to be someone's cousin.
Hold-up! Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Wi gini?
'Whaaaat? Did you just say wife?'He smirked at me and said 'I sure did' and then proceeded to turn around and point her out. Of course she was hovering somewhere real close to. I mean, I don' blame her. When you see some chick all enthusiastically gushing over your hubby, you best get into that FBI mode...young trifling hoochies of nowadays..LOL!I was in shock but I quickly remembered to take a step or 2 back. Married men have always been a no-no and I promise y'all I was just being friendly. Hehehehehe....
We exchanged a few more catch-up tidbits and I quickly found my square root and told him I'd catch up with him later.
In retrospect, I think he was all too happy to point his wife out seeing that I made some serious shakara for him when he used to toast me. Hahahahaha!
Meanwhile we still had Ex #1 that I had to go say hello to o. I mean..what was he doing there? It was a little intermission/mix and mingle thing while the wedding folk set up the reception hall and there was a bunch of people standing around and mingling. I made a beeline for the people carrying suya around on trays and armed with my 2 sticks of suya, I was on a mission to find that Ex of mine.
As I made my way through the all the girls posing in corners with thier short dresses and the guys posing against walls checking the ladies out, my eye fell on him, him, HIM. I repeat, someone up there was cracking the heck up at my expense. WTF was HE of ALL people doing here? Him being Ex #3. I pinched myself and took a big bite of suya hoping that I was hallucinating but no o..pinches and suya no gree for me. I sho as heck wasn't seeing things. It was Ex #3. Mind you I hadn't seen ol' dude in like what? 3 years or so? Last time I checked he lived in another hood and apart from our random catch-up convos now and then, I didn't know much of what was going on with him. I guess he could feel my eyes boring into his being 'cos he turned around and saw me.
*Activate catch-up mode*
Hoh Hem Gee. Fancy this... I said. He was like indeed, it's been what? how many years?
I asked him who he knew and he said the groom and him had gone to Law school together. Shoulda figured that was the connect. Meanwhile from the corner of my eye, I noticed some chick hovering in the background. Close enough for me to know that they came together so I kinda gave her a pointed stare and he was like 'Oh yeah, meet my fiance ****'
Fia whaaaaaat? Oh Jesus. I need a glass of water.
But I quickly composed myself and put my gameface on. 'You're kidding...you? You're engaged?'He was like 'Yeah, yeah... a lot of things have changed'. They shoooooo have. I mean throughout the time that we dated, he always insisted that he would NEVER get married and was damn serious about it. So me kwa, I figured ish wouldn't come to much and peaced out only to come and find out that Ol' boy don engage himself finish. Ewooooo! Yep, things don changed indeed.
But aniwoos back to my tori...I made nice with the fiance, made small talk with both of them and for the second time that day, found my square root. My mind was spinning...Looking back now, that was one funny day!
But yo, it wasn't over o. That person up there wasn't over and done with the jokes. Just when I thought that I was finally digesting all the info and getting used to being in the same space with 3 exes and 2 significant others, who do I run into? The much sought after ex #1...and no, there was no woman hovering in the background 'cos trust me I did a quick scan. We hi-hi'ed it up. (I had seen him within the last 12 months or so, so I didn't have to go too much into the catch up mode). Asked him what he was doing at the wedding, caught up on some random gist and I promised to catch up with him later.
So I walked out and was chilling with my homegirls in the cut, you know staying out of the way of the 'razzi's and all that media attention when I noticed him walk around my way with a woman on his arm. Oh I was all eyes and ears (UnderG of course)...he walked over to the group of girls standing behind us and introduced her.
'Meet Estelle** (For purposes of this tori)
I stood very still for that nano-second as I quickly put 2 and 2 together.
Estelle? That same Estelle? No really, the same Estelle?? WOW! No blame am o, her role in the interruption of me and him was pretty innocent and in retro, they had wayyyyyyyy too much history for me to even try to hold a torch to alladat. I mean, they are married now....But wow, that was the final straw for me and at that point I really did take a time out session to escape somewhere and down a tall, cool, glass of H2O while I asked the person up there if he/she had any more jokes up thier sleeve.
I mean damn! The reception hadn't even started yet....
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